Kommandante Kyla

Wednesday, August 26th, 2009 by Vanity Kills

Tags: achtung playtime, Division LS I, Fetish, military chic, post apocalyptic fashion, vanity kills
Posted in Lethal Style |

Kommandante Kyla

And so the year 2083, came to pass. A shroud of chaos, hopelessness and despair had befallen mankind. Societal paradigms shifted to the crackling tune of broken vertebrae.

You see, in 2053 a rogue military research scientist Dr. Aven carried out an ill fated clandestine operation in an underground laboratory rumored to be located somewhere under Rochester, NY. Aven obsessed with James O’Barr’s comic and subsequent 1994 movie, The Crow, sought to genetically engineer a race of humanoids born with ghostly pallor, a psychic mind link to corvids and an infinite lifespan. He experimented with unwilling participants harvested from a local nocturnal hot spot. The captive hosts were injected with a mutagenic Corvax virus. Aven hoped that exposure to his viral creation would reconfigure the DNA of the test subjects at hand. It did. He didn’t factor in unpleasant side effects such as a rabid affinity for questionable wardrobe choices and voracity for human flesh that came as a result of altering the host’s genetic code.

Disaster struck when research specimens were accidentally released into the general populace, which slowly caused a worldwide epidemic that claimed millions of lives and decline of good taste.

Civilized society collapsed into barbarity, cities crumbled into dust and famine spread through all lands. Hordes of cannibal mutants (Failus stylus) lurked in the bowels of derelict buildings. Recognizable by their mousy brown hair highlighted by strands of bright yellow and black caution tape which had been haphazardly tied in as well as clumps of dirty neon fur strapped to their weathered footwear of inferior quality. Feasting upon anyone who did not exhibit likewise physical characteristics, wanton tribes of poorly outfitted man eating savages proved to be a true plague upon the continuously dwindling group of survivors.

With time small cells of Fashionista Resistance began to form. A valiant and highly esteemed resistance fighter known exclusively by her code name, Kommandante Kyla, managed to unify the dispersed local leaders and form a centralized, highly secretive organization that came to be known as Division LS. Spearheading the rebellion against bloodthirsty apparel challenged predators, this fierce and fearless warrior takes no prisoners or on off the battlefield.

She shall know no rest, no peace and no love until the last yarn hair fall has been obliterated from existence and the last flesh forager has perished.

Until that day comes she shall fight in the frontlines for fashion’s sake.

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Your style mission should you choose to accept it:

Division LS I Schultz’s Stretch Poplin Long Sleeved Snap Up Top in the green/blood colorway is an essential uniform staple for battle ready beauties everywhere. Pair with a camouflage underbust corset to protect your precious innards from the teeth of hungry zombies who are always far beyond eager to snack on your intestines.

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Iron cross armband cannibalized from Achtung Playtime Chick’s Militia Shirt in the candy apple red/black colorway shows your opponents that you mean business. At least when it comes to the fine art of obsessively accessorizing your deliciously dangerous military garb.

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If succumbing to loss in battle appears to be imminent it is still one’s duty to leave a sharply dressed corpse in the wake of an untimely demise. Under Kommandante Kyla’s “Death Before Fashion Dishonor Act of 2080”, female soldiers of the Fashionista Resistance must attire themselves in Division LS I Servitude Skirt in the blood/green colorway to strike the perfect balance of fetish and utilitarian chic.

Black platform boots of epic proportions cause one to project the illusion of greater stature, which has been proven to be a successful enemy intimidation maneuver.

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For Fall Out Shelter Chic Falls:

- Throw out all your yarn falls. This is non negotiable.

- Gather your hair into a high ponytail on top of your head. This is imperative. Nothing is sadder than a limp hair fall just chillin’ near the base of your skull, because you confused the “tie my hair back before I go to the gym” ponytail with “I need to support a pound of plastic shit on top of my head” ponytail.

- Twist hair into a bun(think Princess Leia).

- Pin the shit out of the above mentioned bun with bobby pins. When you think you’ve pinned it enough, add 10 more pins.

- Lean forward.

- Grab the fall by the lace that is attached to it’s base and proceed to wrap said lace around the bottom of the bun.

- Pin it down some more.

- Throw your head back.

- Add more pins for good measure.

- Grab a loose dread and wrap around the base of the now fall covered bun in order to hide the tell tale pins.

- Sneak in a few more covert pins to secure the dread you just wrapped around the whole contraption.

Think your hair can withstand a night of oontz oontz?

Let’s see, shall we?

Step 1: Put on Feindflug

Step 2: Punch and kick like an idiot with all your might for the duration of the track. You can actually pretend that this makes you look cool.

If your hair is still in the same spot it was in 5 minutes ago, you’re good to go. If it migrated then you clearly didn’t listen to me and didn’t pin your fall within every inch of it’s life like I instructed you to do in the first place. DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200.

And now for a Lethal Style PSA:

CAUTION TAPE IS A STRETCHY, PORTABLE WARNING SIGN CREATED TO PREVENT ONE FROM ACCESSING AREAS THAT CAN PROVE THEMSELVES TO BE POTENTIALLY HAZARDOUS. IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE WORN IN YOUR HAIR.

Liven up the gloomiest of gloomy post apocalyptic landscapes with daring greenish gold lids and bold burgundy lips! Matching your lipstick to your epaulets being an utmost necessity.

General Prep Work

You will need:

Moisturizer ,Primer, Concealer, Liquid Foundation, Foundation Brush, Translucent Powder, Powder brush, Eyeshadow primer

Wash your face with a cleanser formulated especially for your skin type. Rinse thoroughly and pat dry with a soft cloth. Prep your skin with moisturizer before applying concealer in order to ensure a smoother, flake free application. Before proceeding any further allow your skin to properly absorb the moisturizer. This should take about 10 minutes. Since foundation worn alone often has a nasty habit of settling in the fine lines around your mouth, near your eyes and on your forehead, I highly recommend using a primer after you’ve moisturized your face. Utilizing a small amount of primer helps to fill in unflattering expression lines, pores and scars, thus allowing foundation to actually do its job! Nix blemishes and skin discoloration by gently patting concealer over the trouble area. Follow by blending with your ring finger.

Apply a liquid foundation that best matches your skin tone to your face and neck with a foundation brush (A full dome shaped brush works beautifully). Start by applying small dots in the center of your face and then moving outward]. Set everything in place by finishing off with a thin coat of translucent powder. Use a full, round shaped powder brush for optimal results.

Prep your lids with eyeshadow primer, whose job is to neutralize the colour of your lids which in turn makes for brighter more vibrant shadow. It also prevents said shadow from creasing.

Eyes:

You will need:

Shimmering emerald green eyeshdow, Frosted gold eyeshadow, Pearly beige eyeshadow, Small fluffy eyeshadow brush, Blending brush, Eyelash curler, Black mascara

Greens look simply stunning on blondes! Using a blending brush add a generous helping of shimmering emerald green eyeshadow to the outer crease of your eye and bring it down to the outer corner of your eyelid. Your meticulous creation should be in the shape of the letter “V”. I always say that if you shave and draw your brows on you can extend the shadow past your crease and onto the lower part of your browbone, since you obviously have more room to work with. Note: This does not work for everyone, but feel free to experiment! Clean your blending brush. Starting at the inner corner of your eyelid swipe some frosted gold eyeshadow outward toward the “outer V” where the shimmering emerald green eyeshadow sits. See Figure 1.

Figure 1

Blend both shades into each other at their meeting point. When you’re done, the outer part of your eyelid (and some of your browbone if you’re eyebrowless) should be shimmery shade of emerald green, while the inner part should be a frosty gold color. Light shimmery shadows placed directly under the eyebrow’s arch really help to bring your whole eye makeup together. So yet again clean that blending brush and after you’ve done so, highlight your browbone with pearly beige eyeshadow, which should be placed directly under your eyebrows[regardless if they’re fake or natural]. Blend the pearly beige eyeshadow into the two colors that you’ve blended into your lid and crease. Namely the shimmering emerald green and the frosted gold. See Figure 2.

Figure 2

For a sexy, fresh alternative to tired black eyeliner, apply the same shimmering emerald green eyeshadow you used on the outer “V” of your eye to your lower lashline using a small fluffy eyeshadow brush. Start at the outer corner of your eye, slowly making your way toward the inner corner. Curl your eyelashes with an eyelash curler and top off with 2 coats of black mascara.

Face:

You will need:

Blush brush, Pink blush, Bronzer

For hot curiously sharp cheekbone action, contouring is in order! Swipe some pressed bronzer onto your blush brush. Starting mid-cheek, going towards your ear apply the bronzer into the hollows of your cheeks using short, up-and-down vertical strokes. As I’ve mentioned in the previous editions of Lethal Style, darker shades have the tendency to give you those coveted slightly gaunt cheekbones, since they give the illusion of the hollows of your cheeks receding. Using the same technique add pink blush to the apples of your cheeks, which will cause them to protrude. Make sure to blend it well in order to avoid harsh lines which can make your face look tacky and contrived.

Lips:

You will need:

Berry colored lip liner, Burgundy crème lipstick

Use a berry colored lip liner to fill in your lips starting at the center of your natural lip line and moving toward the outer corners. This will keep your lipstick where it should be. Burgundy lipstick that matches the cuffs and epaulets of your sleek Division LS I shirt perfectly? Yes, fucking please! Beginning in the center of your upper lip gently press the tube into the flesh of your lip and then proceed to roll it over the entire top lip area, working toward the edges. Repeat the process on your bottom lip. See Figure 3.

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Being spotted with lipstick on your teeth is considered a major beauty blunder! Prevent potential slippage by placing a finger in your mouth, closing your lips around it and then removing said finger. This will remove any excess lip junk.

Nails:

You will need:

Black nail polish (which you really ought to know how to apply lest you want thine goth card revoked)

Nails are painted an obligatory black to conceal dried mutant blood under your fingernails.

Soldier on, Kommandante Kyla, soldier on!

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