The Reaper
Wednesday, December 30th, 2009 by Vanity Kills
The Reaper
(Or “Reaper Stripper” if y’all please)
The name’s Candy. When I first entered the adult cabaret biz, I tried goin’ by Licorice and work the whole dark ‘n’ delicious angle, but my boss couldn’t spell none of ‘em big college words over five letters, so I was christened “Candy”.
see full size in gallery below
Walkin’ into my former place of employment, the Shake N’ Squeal (just a spittin’ distance from Goose Creek, Kentucky) was like fallin’ headfirst into a Jerry Springer episode after a weeklong meth bender.
Sister-on-sister chicken grease wraslin’ every last Friday of the month?
Check
Sixteen year olds in their third trimester liquored up on Wild Turkey rollin’ around on the stage?
Check
Multi-generational granny-mother-daughter triple threat “feature dancers”?
Check, check, and check.
Let’s say that my childlessness, lack of Tony the Tiger caliber stretchmarks on my rear and my unwillingness to swap spit with my blood relatives for a shiny new penny always made me the odd woman out.
I spent nearly ten years of my life entertainin’ the crème de la crème of the Bluegrass State who happily pissed away their welfare checks either in this here ole’ dump or at the racetrack. Sometimes the high rollers who just got done holdin’ up a 7-11 in town would pass through our humble gates. It would always be a glorious day for all us hard workin’ gals, since we’d actually be seein’ cash money that day. Nearly daily someone would try to pay us in WWE ticket stubs(“Come on baby…they’re good till next July”) and deer jerky. My greatest admirer even tried to gift me his dentures, before passin’ on to the great NASCAR track in the sky this past summer.
see full size in gallery below
There had to be more to life than Cletus Toothless III shouting “Hey Elvira, I’ll give you 5 dollars for a l’il extra sumfin’ sumfin’” in my general direction. And if that don’t bother you none, just imagine the local preacher stumblin’ in come Saturday night, tryin’ to give you grief for not bein’ a frequent visitor to the house of worship on Sundays. Tryin’ to scam free lap dances, since he’s a man of God ‘n’ all. Yes, Jesus himself told him that it was his moral duty to exorcise the demons out of me in the privacy of his pickup. I was pushin’ 30 and here I spent the best years of my life grindin’ on hill jacks reekin’ of Jim Beam and failure in a peach-colored lace thong. A quarter does not a sufficient tip make, and a girl can stand hearin’ the details of Billy Bob’s latest ploy to rip off worker’s comp, by means of fictitious injury, only so many times before bein’ driven to madness. Could you shake your ass to Lynyrd Skynyrd four times a week while some inbred yokel named Bubba tossed nickels and dimes at you?
So wouldn’t ya know, one day I decided that the grass here just ain’t blue ‘nuff no more and I did what so many folks done did when their bar tab climbed too high – skipped town. So, I had never really been too far from town before and I must admit, the country was lookin’ mighty fine to me. I had nowhere to go, so I just plain drove the ol’ ’83 pickup ‘til she couldn’t drive no more. Eventually, she conked out lazily on the side of one of them back roads (how can ya tell ‘em apart?). Seems that lady luck was smilin’ her golden smile on me that day ‘cause what-da-ya-know, there was a couple o’ nice old-lookin’ shacks, or remnants thereof, not far from the road that hadn’t been lived in for years. This seemed like as good a place as any for a retired exotic dance professional to set up shop.
They say you can take a girl out of Kentucky, but you can never take Kentucky out of a girl. Well I’d let you know how true that is, if I could ever manage to get out of here. I thought I’d be able to live the nice quiet life in my shack, alone, but you know how these parts are. All the Billy Joes and Cletuses just can’t seem to mind their own damn business.
see full size in gallery below
See, one day I’m sittin’ on the porch scrapin’ mud and spider guts off my heels when I notice a couple of good ol’ boys approachin’. These didn’t appear to be any of my dear ‘fans’ per say, but they looked as broken-down and depraved as they come. I imagine that they came out this way in search of some poachin’, or perhaps just a bit of gropin’ each other’s genitals out-of-sight to get ‘em roused up for stickin’ in one of their foul-smelling hogs later. The sight of these greasy, half-retarded bumpkins made my blood boil.
I knew that if they saw a woman their jaws would go slack, dripping saliva and god-knows-what-else as they fantasized about bending my fine ass over next ta’ one of those aforementioned piglets. Ugh. Well, shit, I don’t need ta take anymore comments nor stares from worthless sacks a’ horse dung anymore. I told you that I was staying in a shack. What I didn’t mention was that the previous resident was some kind’a butcher o’ sumthin’ ‘cause they left all these big hooks and pitchfork lookin’ things everywhere. I fig’er if it can waste a cow, it can end a braindead, moonshined-up ‘man’…
It didn’t take long, but they spotted me. I could’ve written the whole conversation before it played out, because it was so nauseatingly typical. “Hey there hunny, whatcha doin’ out here by ya lonesum?” “Wouldn’t you like sum company? You look like a stripper or sumthin’, I bet you could show me a reeel good time”. Oh, and what a time I would show them.
I acted lady-like enough to convince them to drag themselves into the innards of the shack, nearly as dilapidated as the men entering it. After that, well you know how that rage gets ya’ acting like you ain’t even the same person no more. “Hey boys, how much do ya like hooks?” Figure I could lure ‘em in with the promise of sum’ a dat ‘kinky shit’. They were practically foaming at the mouth at that premise. Well, I led them into my ‘special room’ and let the fun began.
see full size in gallery below
I let the bigger one, I dubbed em Cletus A, sit in an old wooden chair and tied him down with grubby rope. I was even so kind as to let the other one, Cletus B, watch as I took a giant meathook to his friend’s face. It was like Hellraiser in 3D. His mottled skin peeled off like an orange peel, or like the wrapper of a condom. Blood shot out everywhere like one of them big geysers. I guess his friend was so gone from years of moonshine that he thought this was some kind of magic trick. He hooped and hollered and even gave a little clap at the demonstration.
His crooked teeth and the reek of pigshit were infuriating enough, but this last bit put me over the edge. I grabbed one of the heels I had just finished cleaning and jammed it right into one of his dead-fish-like bulging eyes. With a sudden ‘pop’ sound, the blissful hooping mutated into shrill screaming. He was on the floor sputtering jibberish and vomiting what was probably raw deer meat, while his friend was sputtering up the last bits of blood and mucus that would ever pass through his filthy body.
I was tired of this yokel crawling and grimey-ing up my floor, so I reached up and found some sort of weighted club waiting for me. It looked like something they used to bash in the heads of cows before people cared about that ‘humane death’ shit. Well, unfortunately for Cletus B, humane death didn’t live here, and so the bashing begin. Some number of minutes later I noticed that the far wall had a lot more chunks on it than usual. I was surprised to find that any living matter came out of his head. I wondered: if I left this here would a stray deer maybe wander it and eat this up? That sure would be a time saver. I had to get my shoes cleaned up.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, but the brothers Cletus weren’t the only ones dumb enough to venture out here. Fortunately, a girl can really get used to killin’, especially when everyone reminds her of past clientele. I’ve done lost count by now, but I’ve used almost every implement in the shack. But there are still some untainted cleavers which beg to cut again.
The name’s Candy.
But you can call me “The Reaper”.
see full size in gallery below
Embark on a wave of brutal butchery…without becoming a fashion victim yourself.
Notorious Hollywood franchise villains come complete with a signature look; Michael is a fan of Shatner chic, Freddy has been rockin’ the Christmas- sweater- and – Dick Tracy- headwear combo since the year I was born while Pinhead prefers shopping for accessories at Home Depot. Even when a girl is busy converting her town’s redneck population into ground hamburger she needn’t look like she just pilfered Jason Voorhees’s wardrobe. Lest not forget that you’re a lady first & foremost, and that “style” makes up 50% of “execution style” indeed.
Beauty meets beast in ultra feminine tops, contour-hugging pencil skirts, extreme waist reduction and footwear likely to earn the seal of approval of Vlad the Impaler himself.
Get hooked on Lady is a Tramp II One for My Baby Stretch Poplin Cap Sleeve Top in the red/black colorway. The juxtaposition of the seemingly wholesome retro- flavored “girl-next-door” cut of the shirt, paired with traditionally “adult” fabrics like PVC is a seductive mix of sweet and dirty. Who doesn’t love a good girl doing bad things?
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The addition of a perennial fetish favorite, like a black PVC underbust corset, spices up almost any outfit, instantly transforming it from so-so to supersexy.
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When it comes to the fine art of showcasing your assets without lettin’ everyone and their half-retarded cousin Bud ogle what you’re working with, don’t skirt the issue. Gangsta Pranksta Bettie Bruiser mid length skirt in the black/white colorway is right on the money, honey.
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Sleaze up the pencil skirt’s conservative silhouette with fence net stockings for that authentic “I moonlight at the gentlemen’s club to pay the bills” feel.
Stripper shoes, modded with killer spikes, guarantee that wasted fratboys will be less likely to get fresh with you, as none will be too eager to be on the receiving end of a groin kick from one of these puppies. Bonus points for being the most popular girl backstage at a Gwar show. Provided you can actually walk in them.
Maniacal Mane
Gravity defying tresses that splice Nikki Sixx with Nivek Ogre.
I confess. My hair arrived in a tan colored standard shipping envelope directly from Hong Kong. Alas, fear not. You‘re only a few steps away from rockin’ the frazzled rooster look yourself. Provided that you meet the following conditions:
-Your hair is cut into choppy layers ( No amount of teasing will make layers magically appear on top of your head).
-You’re not one of ‘em hippie granola types who worry about strippin’ the Earth of its ozone layer. Or cry about the insects that will meet an untimely end upon landing on your ‘do after you’ve shellacked it into submission.
Alright, let’s get this show on the road:
1) Despite seeming somewhat counterintuitive, straighten all of your hair using a flatiron.
2) Apply a good quality root lifting spray directly to your scalp.
3) Alright! Time to divide and conquer! Separate the back of your hair into sections. Then proceed to grab any of the sections on the top of your head, spray it with a liberal amount of hairspray and proceed to backcomb the ever-loving fuck out of it. No, this isn’t good for your hair in the slightest. Tease your hair starting at the ends all the way to the roots. Secure with freezing spray.
4) Continue upon this path of teasin ‘n’ sprayin’ until you look like a pissed off porcupine.
(You might want to leave the front alone. Just sayin’. That way you can sweep your pin straight bangs over your eyes for that ever popular Old English Sheepdog look all the “alternative” kids are sportin’ nowadays)
DEATH BECOMES HER
The 80s gave rise to two very important cornerstones of popular culture: high-impact, boldly-colored makeup and slasher films with minimal character development, over the top kills and gratuitous nudity. Give nod to iconic camp that defined the decade of excess with technicolor eyes, maximum cheek definition and Barbie-pink lips slicked with more gloss shinier than a mirrored strip club stage.
General Prep Work
You will need:
Moisturizer ,Primer, Concealer, Matte liquid Foundation, Foundation Brush, Translucent Powder, Powder brush, Eyeshadow primer
- Wash your face with a cleanser formulated especially for your skin type. Rinse thoroughly and pat dry with a soft cloth. Prep your skin with moisturizer before applying concealer in order to ensure a smoother, flake free application.
- Before proceeding any further allow your skin to properly absorb the moisturizer. This should take about 10 minutes.
- Since foundation worn alone often has a nasty habit of settling in the fine lines around your mouth, near your eyes and on your forehead, I highly recommend using a primer after you’ve moisturized your face. Utilizing a small amount of primer helps to fill in unflattering expression lines, pores and scars, thus allowing foundation to actually do its job!
- Nix blemishes and skin discoloration by gently patting concealer over the trouble area. Follow by blending with your ring finger.
- Apply a matte liquid foundation that best matches your skin tone to your face and neck with a foundation brush (A full dome shaped brush works beautifully). Start by applying small dots in the center of your face and then moving outward.
- Set everything in place by finishing off with a thin coat of translucent powder. Use a full, round shaped powder brush for optimal results.
- Prep your lids with eyeshadow primer, whose job is to neutralize the colour of your lids which in turn makes for brighter more vibrant shadow. It also prevents said shadow from creasing.
Eyes:
You will need:
Eyeshadow Primer, Eyeliner that matches your hair color if you draw your eyebrows in, Makeup sealer (optional), Teal eyeshadow, Shimmery medium purple eyeshadow, Frosty off-white eyeshadow, Eyeshadow brush with a round/tapered edge, Blending brush, Fluffy eyeshadow brush, Eyelash curler, Black Mascara.
Prep your brows by filling them in with a pencil and softening the lines with a small brush or drawing them in if you don’t have them. Eyebrowless ladies like myself should make sure to use a pencil that matches their hair color. After you’re satisfied with the shape of your brows, feel free to seal them with a single coat of a makeup sealer. Last but not least, lightly coat your entire eyelid area with an eyeshadow primer, to build a smooth base for your shadows, pigments and liners.
Using a brush with a round/tapered edge apply teal eyeshadow across your entire eyelid from lashline to crease. See Figure 1.
Figure 1
- Hold down your lower eyelid. Using the same brush dot the teal shadow you applied in Step 2 directly underneath the eyelash line of your lower lid, beginning at the outer portion of the eye. Apply shadow to the outer three quarters of your eyelid, only. Otherwise you run the risk of making your eyes appear smaller than they actually are. This defeats the purpose of puttin’ on makeup to make yourself appear prettier.
- With the help of a blending brush add some shimmery medium purple eyeshadow to the outer crease of your eye and bring it down to your lashline on the outer corner of your eyelid. This is also known as the “outer V”. Continue contouring the crease of the eye by blending more purple shadow up into the lower portion of your browbone and into teal eyeshadow from Step 2. See Figure 2
Figure 2
- Sweep some frosty off white shadow directly under your eyebrows [doesn’t matter if they’re drawn on or natural] with a small fluffy brush. Blend the frosty off white shadow into the shimmery purple shadow that you contoured your crease with that Step 4.
- Curl your eyelashes with an eyelash curler and top off with 2 coats of black mascara.
Cheeks:
You will need:
Blush brush, Rose-red blush , Bronzer
To achieve faux capillary dilation:
- Swipe some pressed bronzer onto your blush brush .
- Starting mid-cheek, going towards your ear apply the bronzer into the hollows of your cheeks using short, up-and-down vertical strokes.Darker shades will give the illusion of the hollows of your cheeks receding.
- Now using the same technique add a rose-red blush to the apples of your cheeks, which will cause them to protrude. Use translucent powder to blend between the two colors in order to avoid obvious lines.
Lips:
You will need:
Shimmering light pink lip liner, Most obnoxious shade of pink lipstick you can get your hands on(preferably a color favored by cock rock groupies of the 80s), Small tapered lip brush, Iridescent pink lip gloss.
- Filling in your entire lip area puts an end to fading, blurring and feathering lip color. Use a shimmering light pink lip liner to fill in your lips starting at the center of your natural lip line and moving toward the outer corners.
- To get lost in the neon glow of electric pink lipstick apply the color to the center of your lip and then proceed to distribute it over the entire lip area with a small tapered lip brush.
- Finish off with a coat of iridescent pink lipgloss.
Credits
Photography:
Model
Location:
Abandoned building in Otisville, NY.
<3
Vanity Kills
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