Archive for February, 2010

Hey Fashion Freaks,

It’s been a CRAZY few weeks for us here at the Lippy camp, with 3 back to back trade shows and lots of travel time, but I have survived and am back to report some of the highlights to you.

After The Halloween & Party Expo in Houston, I headed off to London for The Edge trade show with fellow sales Rep Anjuli, and former sales rep now customer service agent Joana. This show is always fun and fills 2 floors of the convention center with the world’s best in alternative fashion. Add in roaming performers and stage shows for entertainment and the air is filled with creativity!! As always, we were slammed all day long on day 1 with the 3 of us writing none stop orders for the current LS line as well as the upcoming Summer and Fall 2010 lines. As expected our Steam Punk lines were a crowd favorite with the new men’s shirt, vest, Jacket and trousers being a big hit! (see photo of me with mannequin).

@ Brittish Boot Company - see full size in gallery below

We did get 1 free day to cruise around and, of course, we headed straight for Camden town and the best shopping in London! My personal highlights include a visit to the new Cyberdog store insane with giant chrome robots on either side of the entrance, and my visit to the British Boot Company which has been there for 130 years and is the official George Cox Creeper distributor! For those in the know, George Cox invented “Creepers” in 1949, and later made them for the “Robot” company, if you are truly “Old School” you know the difference between the real “Gummy sole” creeps and new plastic cheap crap that’s around today! As far as I know my customer and long time Lip Service buyer Poser on Melrose in Hollywood is the only one left in LA maybe California who sells them. I got to meet one of the family at the store who helped my with my Purchase and told me the history of the Cox family and creepers! This was an unexpected pleasure and made for an enriching experience. My choice was the black shiny leather pointed toe lace ups which I think I got the last pair in the store! The store also features the biggest best selection of Doc Martins in London!

Service Collection in a good home - see full size in gallery below

Another highlight was searching for an authentic London Biker store to find a home for the new Service menswear line in Camden town. We found Victory Bikes who have a vintage euro moto shop and also sell clothes. This place was RAD, and I got to see some of the most awesome and rare vintage Triumph, Moto Guzzi and BMW’s I’ve ever seen! They loved our Service line and agreed to carry it at their shop and online store. All in all the day was a blast and I want to give a shout out to my homies Matt from Rock Rebel and Adam from Steady clothes for being my Partners in crime and tearing up the town on more than one occasion!!

The Edge throws a party on the first day of the show that is always fun and this time was no different, with all the coolest people you could get in one place from all the clothing companies from Europe letting it all hang out with free booze all night!! And CHARGE!!! Became the word of the night!!

Back home for only 3 days and we loaded up the truck and crew to make the trek to Vegas for the M.A.G.I.C trade show and, after a long drive and set up, we were ready to sell, sell, sell!! This show the Street section was moved to the Mandalay Bay convention center and, although closer to Project, it was separated from Pool at the LV convention center and some people complained about having to drive from place to place. It was a great show for us and an increase in sales from the last couple of shows, which has us hopeful that the economy is slowly improving.

Some of our new groups which sold well and the ones you should keep your eyes out for are, of course, the Steam Punk styles. The Spats for shoes are dope! And with a few accessories like a messenger style bag and purse the group is sure to please! Our new HR Geiger influenced printed mesh/cotton group is awesome, and our 25 year anniversary classic LS style group is great with dagger print leggings, some commemorative t-shirts, and a real silver dagger necklace that is such a cool collectable every true Lippy Addict will have to get one! I Love the new Wool/Fur coats for Fall with the guy’s coat looking something like a circus ring leader meets dandy Goth Tim Burton style! Of course the new Service designs are great we have now added Service of Hell, Pain, Vice, Valor, Ink, and Speed!

Well I gonna wrap it up for this week but I’ll have some more show stories and news on Summer and Fall LS styles next week! Hope your winter is wrapping up nicely and you’re ready for Spring! We are and we’ve got the new clothes to help you do it with style!!

Fashion+Music=Life
Mickey Finn

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We just can’t help but want to dress as much of our world in Lippy style as possible! Is a desktop wallpaper enough? Hell no! You can’t see if while you’re surfing the web, so how can that be adequate?

Well, we took care of that! Now, through the magic of Firefox newly-developed “personas”, you can dress your browser in Lippy, too! Choose from the cyber chic of Circuit City, classic dagger pinstripes, and Blacklist brocade … for now. As always, there will never be enough Lippy style for us, so expect more to come soon (as well as wallpapers and skins for all your favorite devices!)!

To apply the persona, first you need to have the Firefox browser (that’s pretty damn important). Then go to the main personas page to get the add-on. Once you have the add-on, you can get your Lip Service personas!

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At last the departure guide updated and cheers of joy permeated the air. The luminescent phrase behind this commotion was “Original Cult Airways: 9:30am Gate H”. This one-of-a-kind, ultra-exclusive flight was a one way trip for East Coast Lippy Addicts to venture right to the heart of their true love (a.k.a. some unmarked warehouse in Los Angeles). But the true pay off of this trip was the gold which lay buried in that warehouse; for there was precious cargo carried on board of this particular airplane — prototypes of Lip Service’s most sought after upcoming “Holy Grail” lines such as Step In Time II, Das Bunker, and Brocade Piracy. This was going to be the only public display of these items until the official street release in Fall 2010.

The plane itself was nearly worth the cost of the trip; one view of the interior and a patron may believe they had died and been resurrected in Shamballah. For non Buddhists, they would instead feel like they have traveled back in time to what should be named “The Golden Age of Flying” – you know, back when taking a trip on an airplane was still something of a mystical feat, steeped in glamour and intrigue. The stewardesses were, of course, only the most fashionable of Lip Service models, and it seemed they had all recently gotten their BA in customer service. The ladies whose job was to remind you to fasten those seatbelts and put those trays in the upright position wouldn’t be caught dead in shapeless lima bean green pantsuits and blaher-than-blah brown jackets. You’d think the aisles in this flying machine were the runways of the sky. Sleek head-to-toe black paired with hats inspired by the hides of only the most exotic beasts were the standard here. Nearly all luxuries that could be brought aboard an airplane were at hand, and it was guaranteed to be a trip to remember.

Unfortunately, due to lax airport security, trouble was afoot. Due to bizarre and unforeseen circumstances, the fairly proficient magician known as The Great Ramon was scheduled to be aboard this flight in order to make a last-minute show in a nearby suburb of LA, performing at a small child’s 7th birthday party. Sadly, The Great Ramon would be unable to showcase his prized Grizzly Bear “Grizmo” at the aforementioned affair, for he was busy being tied up in the women’s bathroom at JFK airport. Even more unfortunate is the fact that he was not tied with women, but instead by their pantyhose. The culprit was none other than the infamous criminal mastermind Ramon “el Jamon” Perez, who had sneaked stealthily by the snooping security and boarded the plane under the guise of being Great.

Ramon, having his fingers firmly to the pulse of the crime world, knew that he must obtain these mystical prototypes in order to clothe his many voracious wives, ever hungry for the latest unattainable fashion. Through the grapevipe of misdeed he was able to hear of the last minute addition of the magician to the flight’s patronage, and was able to get one of his inside men to add a large dose of PCP to the bear’s tranquilizer. Once the flight begins, the bear should awaken in an angry stupor and disrupt the plane enough so that he may sneak down to the cargo hatch and parachute out of the hold with the stolen goods. Unfortunately for him, he was not counting on the cunning of the venerable stewardess Meagan.

***

The flight was proceeding as planned; lots of booze and memory-foam pillows were being doled out to the passengers. The skies were clear and giggles of anticipation filled the air. Ramon curled his 20s-ringmaster styled mustache and awaited the inevitable. No sooner had he begun twirling, there was an audible crash from the storage below. His grinned wildly as the upcoming scenario unfolded in his head. There was another, louder smashing sound as the hatch leading from the storage space to the fuselage tore open . The deranged bear, hungry for blood and meat, slashed through the main door into first class, all the while bellowing a terrible cacophony. Ramon clapped quietly as he heard the screams and thudding footsteps of those trying to outrun ol ‘Griz. He quickly rose from his seat and made his way toward the cockpit. He moved with unexpected swiftness through throngs of passengers curled in the fetal position and the disarray of ravaged carry-on luggage. Without significant ado, he entered the cockpit. Despite the obvious panic, he was still questioned by the pilot as to ‘what the hell” he was doing there. He began to fabricate a tale of a suitcase containing a tranquilizer to subdue the raging animal, but just as he was completing his thought, a gust of wind knocked askew his ringmaster mustache and his real 70s-porn star ‘stache was revealed!

The pilot gasped in awe…”wait a minute, you’re not the Great Ramon at all! You’re… El Jamon!” Sensing that the pilot had caught wise to his devious ploy, he attempted to re-create a move he had seen Jackie Chan perform in Drunken Master and kick the pilot in the head. He was slightly distracted because moments before, the sound of angry passengers had vanished, resulted in a mis-timed kick that went straight into the control board instead. He clutched his foot in agony and cursed the designer of such sharp altitude gauges. In his confusion, the ever-vigilant flight attendant Meagan had appeared from the writhing mass of chaos that was first class, and employed a move that will forever be known as the “Don’t Tase Me Bro”. Using her quasi-legal combination mace/taser gun, Meagan was able to pacify the villainous Ramon while maintaining her perfect vintage updo. “You may have stopped me, but that bear will bring down this plane anyway!” Ramon hissed. “Actually, the bear is in the back sleeping quietly. I gave it some of our best kobe beef laced with enough Xanax to incapacitate a bear on PCP” Meagan replied coolly. Ramon sighed and resigned himself to being taken back to the PMITA NJ State Maximum Security Penitentiary.

After a brief celebration, Meagan realized that something was still amiss. It appeared that the pilot had been roughed up in the scuffle and his right hand might be sprained. Unable to use both hands to steer the plane, the future of alternative fashion was uncertain. Meagan quickly jumped into action and shoved the temporarily crippled pilot aside. She was well versed in calibrating instruments and steering, as she had had quite a bit of intimate time with her husband, a less wussy pilot who could fly a plane with not but his teeth, in a similar cockpit. She made the necessary adjustments and guided the plane on a rapid but meticulously guided descent as she asked for clearance from the tower at the Los Angeles International Airport.

At last the ravaged plane, with its cargo intact, had arrived at its fateful destination where another adventure would begin shortly. As consolation, the first 100 passengers to disembark got to have their picture taken with Meagan and the bear, which would later be hand-signed by both. The rest got to punch “el Jamon” in the gut as they walked by.

Fashion Takes Flight

Stewardess style has never looked hotter. Cure your fear of flying once and for all with a look that’s one quarter easy breezy. Three quarters kitschy cool with high-flyin’ fashionista written all over it.

Meagan is ready for takeoff in her Lip Service *snap front poplin shirt in the black colorway. The double buckled black PVC belts push the traditional boundaries of professional attire by infusing this classic top with a smattering of fetish.

*Hot Topic version is shown.Get the original Looks That Kill Corporate Fukker Poplin Shirt!

Form and function converge in the shape of the Smashin’ Fashion Knee Skirt in the black colorway. This knee length retro Lippy number features a covered zipper which runs up the entire center of the garment’s front, thus allowing you to control how much skin you feel like showin’ at any given time. Perfect for a quick romp in the lavatory of an aircraft.

Note: Lethal Style does not condone nor condemn in-flight bathroom sexual intercourse.

Work some animal magnetism into your otherwise monochromatic ensemble with a pinup inspired zebra pillbox hat.

Infuse your attire with some mid-century flair and harken back to a time when accessories were dainty and ladylike by experiencing the power of glove with a standout vintage white pair.

Sheer nude thigh highs camouflage the bad (like the aftermath of a leg shaving massacre) without upstaging the good(like your fabulous ink).

Sky’s the limit in these classic comfy cute suede black wedge peep toe heels.

For a vintage inspired ‘do that’s JUST PLANE SEXY!

1. Dampen your hair.
2. Spray damp hair with setting lotion.
3. Roll dampened sections of your hair with long sponge curlers.
4. Allow hair to dry COMPLETELY (this is key!)
5. Remove the curlers.
6. Finger brush the curls (smoothing with fingers helps to battle the wonky curls!)
7. Roll and pin up hair ends to create a “bob”.
8. Spray liberally with a medium hold hairspray.

Siren of the Friendly Skies

Accentuate your eyes with hints of gilded glamour mixed with no-nonsense neutrals. A juicy raspberry hued pout reminds the boys that you’re a first class gal and should be treated as such.

General Prep Work

You will need:

Moisturizer ,Primer, Concealer, Matte liquid Foundation, Foundation Brush, Translucent Powder, Powder brush, Eyeshadow primer

1. Wash your face with a cleanser formulated especially for your skin type. Rinse thoroughly and pat dry with a soft cloth. Prep your skin with moisturizer before applying concealer in order to ensure a smoother, flake free application.
2. Before proceeding any further allow your skin to properly absorb the moisturizer. This should take about 10 minutes.
3. Since foundation worn alone often has a nasty habit of settling in the fine lines around your mouth, near your eyes and on your forehead, I highly recommend using a primer after you’ve moisturized your face. Utilizing a small amount of primer helps to fill in unflattering expression lines, pores and scars, thus allowing foundation to actually do its job!
4. Nix blemishes and skin discoloration by gently patting concealer over the trouble area. Follow by blending with your ring finger.
5. Apply a matte liquid foundation that best matches your skin tone to your face and neck with a foundation brush (A full dome shaped brush works beautifully). Start by applying small dots in the center of your face and then moving outward.
6. Set everything in place by finishing off with a thin coat of translucent powder. Use a full, round shaped powder brush for optimal results.

Eyes:

You will need:

Eyeshadow Primer, Brown eyeshadow(for the brows),Small angled brush, Makeup sealer(optional), Gold eyeshadow, Eyeshadow brush with a round/tapered edge, Neutral nude eyeshadow, Blending brush, Black liquid eyeliner, Eyelash curler, Black Mascara.

1. Dab some brown eyeshadow onto a small angled brush. Tap off the excess. Starting at the widest part of the brow, near the nose, and using short strokes, apply brown eyeshadow directly to the natural hair of the eyebrow. Repeat on the other side. Make sure to use a shade that matches your hair color (in Meagan’s case brown was used since she is a blonde). After you’re satisfied with the shape of your brows, feel free to seal them with a single coat of a makeup sealer. Last but not least, lightly coat your entire eyelid area with an eyeshadow primer, to build a smooth base for your shadows, pigments and liners.
2. Using a brush with a round/tapered edge apply gold eyeshadow across your entire eyelid from lashline to crease.
3. With the help of a blending brush add neutral nude eyeshadow to the browbone area directly under your eyebrows. Blend the neutral nude shadow into the gold shadow that you applied in Step 2.
4. Starting at the inner corner of your eye, rim your upper lashline with liquid black eyeliner. Extend the line upward as you approach the outer corner of eye. This produces the much sought after winged “cat eye” effect.
5. Curl your eyelashes with an eyelash curler and top off with 2 coats of black mascara.

Cheeks:

You will need:

Blush brush, Peach blush

1. Swipe some peach blush onto your blush brush.
2. Apply the peach blush to the apples of your cheeks for a healthy, natural glow.

Lips:

You will need:

Mid-tone pink lip liner, Raspberry pink lipstick, Small tapered lip brush, Clear lip gloss.

1. Filling in your entire lip area minimalizes fading, blurring and feathering of lip color. This greatly reduces the amount of time you’ll spend re-applying lip products and leaves more time for important things, such as blowing kisses to cute boys. Use a mid-tone pink lip liner to fill in your lips starting at the center of your natural lip line and moving toward the outer corners.
2. With a small tapered lip brush apply raspberry lipstick to the center of your lip and then proceed to distribute it over the entire lip area.
3. Finish off with a coat of clear lipgloss.

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Credits:

Photography:Umbriel Finite Images

Model:Meagan Kyla

Location: Buffalo, NY

<3

Vanity Kills

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Hola internet dwellers,

It was a wicked fun and freezing tour, but now it is all over. Our last few stops were bloody amazing as well if I do say so myself. After our demo in New Hampshire, which happened to have one of the best picnic table to handrail set up ever, we ended up stayin at BK’s parents house. We partied the night away, which was wicked fun; thank you Mr and Mrs Kennedy for havin all of us over and have a killer party. The parks in Ohio were rad as well and I got to see my buddy Tim.

In Wisconsion we ended up havin two demos in one day! After the demos the locals brought us over to the Dust bowl where we skated for a few more hours. I ended up meetin a Madison punk rocker who hooked it up with a local zine and a demo tape of this band, the Aemobas.

Overall, the tour was a huge success and we all had a really good time. On our way back we picked up my lady babe in Arizona so we could hang out for a few days and after that I’ll be hanging out between San Francisco and San Diego skating a bunch, goin to shows and prolly buyin way too many records!!!

Until next tour…666

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Issue #29 of Gothic Beauty Magazine features a 2-page article/pictorial on the Summer 2009 Lip Service Fashion Show.  Held at Bar Sinister in Hollywood, the event showcased three iconic themes: Cyber/FutureGoth, Victorian/Gothic, and Fetish.

Gothic Beauty is currently available on news-stands nationwide and at retailers including: Hot Topic, Barnes & Noble, Hastings, Borders, Waldenbooks, FYE, and even Blockbuster Video!

Issue #29 features cover model Loriel Andre’a from Sacramento.

For more info check out GothicBeauty.com

Check out our ad with Metal Sanaz in the Jan/Feb Issue of Revolver Magazine!

Hellllllllllllooooo!!!

Sorry it’s been so long since my last blog, between being internet-less and breaking my iPhone while I was skating, I have been unable to blog! On the other hand the skating has been rad! We went to North Carolina where the park was in an enormous shed which didn’t provide any heat. The park ruled and the locals were wicked nice and they even had veggie burgers for the starving vegetarian on the trip!

Next we started driving up to Maryland where we got caught in that crazy snow storm and we got stuck on the highway for 3 hours! It was actually pretty fun though, we wandered around on the highway havin snowball fights between all the other cars that were in a dead stop. We had to skip our Maryland stop and go straight to New Jersey and skate one of my favorite parks on the trip at garden skate. After the demo, the shop owner introduced me to Mike Judge who was the lead singer of a late ’80s hardcore band, Judge, which if you haven’t heard you need to check out!

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To check out all the photos go to 1031 Skates Tour Page

Tune in next week To hear about the last leg of the trip!
666

Yep, it’s that time again … time to look forward to putting away the stuff of Winter and getting ready for Spring. And we’re here to help with that. Get your new Lippy style on with fresh new wallpapers featuring hot upcoming Lip Service styles. You may have to wait just a little longer, but at least your computer can rock the hottest new Lippy gear!

To download, just select the size you want from each mini-gallery (sizes are: Left – 1280x1024px; Center – 1024x768px; Right – 800x600px), click the icon to view full size (if it is clickable), then right click to “Save As”.

Circuit City

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Fallout

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Lolita Candy

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Blacklist

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Step In Time

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Ghoul School

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Ghoul School Graphics

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Hello and welcome to the first ever Valentine’s edition of THE DEVIL INSIDE.

I know some people get all fussy about V.D. (Ha!) so Chad Cherry and I put together our top picks for the holiday. So whether you’re snuggling up to that “someone special” or just flying solo, these movies should put you in the mood for love!
** psst … And, don’t forget, my sexy, new site, Goddess of Gore: Nos, is officially launching on Valentine’s Day!**

Nos’ Picks

Nekromantik 2

So last year on my SCARS blog I mentioned NEKROMANTIK as one of my favorite Valentine’s Day films. I’m still holding  to my tradition of watching it this Sunday – however it’s sequel is pretty damn amazing too! After Rob’s tragic end in the first film, a young nurse digs up his corpse  and has her way with him. Her boyfriend is a little (understandably) freaked out by this and the couple must learn to compromise….

The end is utterly gut wrenching and wicked hot.

May

Poor little has been an outcast since childhood… her only friend being a doll named Suzy. Just when things start looking up in her adult life, she fears her doll Suzy has become jealous.  May’s world starts to unravel as she desperately searches  for a true friend and ultimately decides to make one of her own! It’s a pretty fucked up little story about self love … which is the type of love you should really be focused on this V.Day.

Metropolis

There’s nothing I could really say that would do this movie justice. It’s simply one of the most beautiful things ever captured on film. True it’s a little more SiFi than horror but I think horror fans can appreciate it just the same! For those who haven’t had the pleasure of watching; Metropolis was made in 1927 and depicts the year 2026 in a breath taking neo Gothic landscape …made ENTIRELY from real miniatures. (No gross C.G.I. here!) It’s a classic tale of the “haves” and the “have nots” with a beautiful love story woven in.

Dracula

There are many fine editions of the Dracula tale… but in honor of love day I’m gonna have to go with 1992 Coppola version! True Keanu Reeves kinda stinks it up a bit but the presence of Tom Waits more than makes up for it! And then you have Gary Oldman in one of his finest performances … he truly makes a gorgeous Count. This version also has some excellent gore, something I feel the other Dracula films tend to lack.

Chad’s Picks
HELLO HELLO LOVERS!!!!
What better way to say “BE MINE” on St. Valentines Day then with Chad Cherry’s take on this fantastic day specifically made for lovers. And for this hallmark holiday filled with hugs and kisses, chocolates, candy hearts, shiny gifts, cute shaped cards and the whispers of sweet nothings in to your main squeezes ear, I bring you some of the most romantic couples in the history of love.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

First off we have the ever so handsome Leatherface and his one and only. I could’ve never imagined how long this relationship has lasted. To me it’s beyond love. They have something that most couples only wish they could have.

Friday the 13th

This stunning couple has had there ups and downs, but all in all they will always come back to each other no matter how many other sharp jagged objects of temptation get in his way. They will always know that they are made for each other.

Halloween

This is a true blue romance that just keeps blossoming as the years roll on. You hardly ever see them apart…. They are so good for each other.

House of 1000 Corpses

Otis and 45.magnums sittin’ in a tree……. Fuck it, you know the rest. “SHUT YER FUCKIN’ MOUTH”!!!!

Reanimator

A match we all know that was made in heaven. A man and his green shit that brings dead things back to life.

Sleepwalkers

A boy and his mother. She might be lil’ stern at times but it just enhances the passion in the bedroom. Keep it in the family, incest is best. That’s just sexy……… Right?……

Otis

To truly show you love somebody……. Keep them locked up in the basement.

Maniac

I always thought Frank could do better, but he finds something in her that completes him. Anyway who am I to judge his commitment.

Nosferatu

Nosferatu + Type 0 negative

Frankenstein / Bride of Frankenstein

It still surprises me that they can somehow stay out of the tabloids.

What better way to say “I love you” then though cinematic blood shed. Enjoy the inspiration of these couples that really know the meaning of love. And hopefully on V-day you can get a chance to have sex with somebody besides yourself…. Cuz that’s what its really all about.
XO
“I’M YOURS”,
Chad Cherry…. Expert on love.

Ahhhh, can you just feel the flop-sweat stench of forced romance in the air? Almost hear the anticipation of millions of cash registers? That can mean but one thing … the whole frick’n world is about to get VD yet again this year.

Oh fucking joy!

Don’t get me wrong, the seedlings of the holiday started out with some fabulously dirty, dirty roots. How can one not get a little, back of the throat naughty chuckle out of Lupercalia … check this out … a festival beginning with eligible young Roman men running about wildly, flogging thrilled (soon-to-be-fertile) women and maidens alike with straps of goat hide dripping with blood? I mean, DAMN, those Romans could really throw themselves a proper holiday!

And we’re not done yet!

The young men would then, in the awesome pagan version of a 70′s swingers’ key party, pull girls’ names out of an urn. They would then couple up for the remainder of the festival … in some historical reports, the whole year. Those fuckers had some GAME!

So, I ask you, how the hell did this kick-ass hedonism-and-fertility-fest turn into a mealy-mouthed, guilt/obligation-gifting, bullshit red letter day? Once again, please don’t get me wrong. <sarcasm> I abso-fucking-lutely adore a day when my beloved is led on a Bataan Death March/Trail of Tears of “romance” by Hallmark, Teleflora, and whoever makes those ghastly heart-boxes of ass-chocolate you see in every place with a cash register. </sarcasm> We can blame the old Roman Catholic Church, with their zeal to wipe out all fun in the ancient world, for the first strike. But, like many of the post-Roman “cleanings up” of that time, everyone sort of dropped the holiday after a while … and can you blame them? Let’s see … whippings and fertility and pagan key parties or emulating the saint you pull from the urn … or just letting it quietly die the death the crap new holiday deserved? Not a tough call, eh?

But, like many once-fun pagan celebrations, a goodly time later the commerce and consumption juggernaut picked up the torch.

Now it’s a frenzy of buy me this and if you loved me, you would get me … overpriced and overcrowded … fear and secret loathing. As a true romantic, in the most perverted sense of course, I am bound each year to find a better way.

And this year, I choose to share my bounty with you all, in hopes that you will rediscover the true quirky vice behind the travesty lovely Lupercalia has become.

First, I was doing a bit of scoping around and found an interesting coincidence …
Did you know that Spay Day is the last Tuesday of February? Does anyone else find it interesting that BOTH holidays centering on emasculation fall so close in calendar proximity? … Just saying …

Maybe there is a more romantic holiday, right in the same month, we could rally around instead?

Let’s see … there’s Working Naked Day on Feb. 1 … sounds VERY promising! Unfortunately, it’s not quite as juicily sexy and vice-laden as it sounds; it’s about working independently outside the corporate structure. While I must say that not having a corporate overlord is sexy in it’s own subtle way, not quite what we were looking for. Though, maybe we could … let’s keep getting naked in the cubicle on the table for next year … if Lupercalia can get nabbed, maybe we can take this one back instead!

Hmmm … Liberace Day on the 4th? Maybe a bit too quirky. Perhaps, let’s put this on the back burner and see how we might save the day we’ve got.

Or, at least, have a really good laugh at its expense. Here are a few samples of the hilarious collection to be found in Cap’n Wacky’s Gallery of Unfortunate Valentine’s Cards. (By the way, he’s got a whole range of such galleries which are just as much snarky fun. I tip my hat to the Cap’n wicked sense of humor and persistence in the collection of the disturbingly funny.)

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Well, even if we can’t do away with VD altogether (and who doesn’t want that?), we can at least bring back some of the quirky, sexy, and (let’s face it) some of the downright silliness of the original!

In the dirty, dirty, pervy camp (MY PEOPLE!), we have a lovely gifting suggestion from our once-kinda-clean friends at low-brow malls everywhere, Spencer’s (Remember them, oh dear readers of a certain age, where we teens of the Reagan years used to sneak over to check out the silly booby bachelor party gag gifts?). According to their site, “The 7 Pc Restraint Kit comes with everything you’ll need to playfully restrain or submit to your lover. It comes with wrist tethers, a detachable leash and blindfold. Perfect for a little kinky fun!” Well, it’s not quite a whipping with bloody goat hide thongs, but it is naughty fun from a vanilla source … always good for a laugh before you pull out the REAL toys, anyway.

Maybe your sweetheart goes more for … well … the “hearts” vs “flowers” approach? How about a Plush Beating Heart by Think Geek for the weird girl who has everything? Yeah, I now, even the girl in their own promo pictures doesn’t seem to be anything less than sporting a look that says, “Either he’s a serial killer or he’s way too much of a dork for me. Either way, I’ve got a seriously uncomfortable situation on my hands here. … Wonder if I can make it through the dinner date we’ve planned? Even a weirdo is better than sitting at home watching Thelma and Louise yet another time while the rest of the planet is coupled up in something other than a suicide pact. … Then again, what does this frick’n loony have in mind with a psychotic Valentine’s Day present like this … ”

Yeah … got to admit, it’s a bit (no, a LOT) weird in a strange and über-dysfunctional Disney Rom-Com meets Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer kinda way …

Here’s something more in line with the traditions of Lupercalia, a Blood Bath Shower Curtain + Bath Mat from Perpetual Kid! Whee! You can always do the whipping right there in the bathroom and spray them with more blood … who’d notice the difference? Or, if you’re really feeling sassy … and you’re even funkier than those old Romans, you can always re-enact the Psycho shower scene or something equally romantic.

Not quite your scene? Want a little something a bit more about the coupling aspect of Lupercalia?

Perhaps Hand Huggers – The Fleece Glove for Two by Smitten Mittens is right for you? Hey … wait a second here … Actually, the supremely emphatic pair-bond statement of, “We’re so attached to each other, we can’t even bear to have separate mittens!” is a bit too VD for my taste. Hell, the site photos alone made me want to go punch cupid in his porky, little face, so I’m pretty sure those are out.

Ahhh! Here’s something a bit more weird … yet … sexy? … *scratching my head on this one* … Fundies – Underwear for Two! No … no … sorry … just not seeing it. Seems a bit “interesting” in a weird game-of-undie-Twister sort of way … if you’re into that. And there’s nothing wrong with that, really. Is there?

Oh, yes! I believe I’ve found it! The intersection between sex and weirdness! The Sculpa Sutra! I’ve got to say, I cannot stop staring at this in wide-eyed disbelief of just how strangely, disturbingly weird this is, yet I’m compelled to try to figure out what may be it’s appeal to those who have championed its cause. Well, it is about sex. And it is weird, even though in a claymation-models-fucking sort of way, which I just can’t wrap my brain around. I guess some people might be able to stop laughing at their bug-eyed mini claymation doppelgangers long enough to try a naughty position or two …

Well, no matter how you celebrate your Lupercalia, just try to steer clear of the VD. Your VICES deserve better than that sad excuse of a crap holiday.