… Happy VD to you, too! Screwing the Roses & Finding Lupercalia VICE in Valentine’s Day!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010 by Mich Masoch

Posted in Lip SerVICES |

Ahhhh, can you just feel the flop-sweat stench of forced romance in the air? Almost hear the anticipation of millions of cash registers? That can mean but one thing … the whole frick’n world is about to get VD yet again this year.

Oh fucking joy!

Don’t get me wrong, the seedlings of the holiday started out with some fabulously dirty, dirty roots. How can one not get a little, back of the throat naughty chuckle out of Lupercalia … check this out … a festival beginning with eligible young Roman men running about wildly, flogging thrilled (soon-to-be-fertile) women and maidens alike with straps of goat hide dripping with blood? I mean, DAMN, those Romans could really throw themselves a proper holiday!

And we’re not done yet!

The young men would then, in the awesome pagan version of a 70′s swingers’ key party, pull girls’ names out of an urn. They would then couple up for the remainder of the festival … in some historical reports, the whole year. Those fuckers had some GAME!

So, I ask you, how the hell did this kick-ass hedonism-and-fertility-fest turn into a mealy-mouthed, guilt/obligation-gifting, bullshit red letter day? Once again, please don’t get me wrong. <sarcasm> I abso-fucking-lutely adore a day when my beloved is led on a Bataan Death March/Trail of Tears of “romance” by Hallmark, Teleflora, and whoever makes those ghastly heart-boxes of ass-chocolate you see in every place with a cash register. </sarcasm> We can blame the old Roman Catholic Church, with their zeal to wipe out all fun in the ancient world, for the first strike. But, like many of the post-Roman “cleanings up” of that time, everyone sort of dropped the holiday after a while … and can you blame them? Let’s see … whippings and fertility and pagan key parties or emulating the saint you pull from the urn … or just letting it quietly die the death the crap new holiday deserved? Not a tough call, eh?

But, like many once-fun pagan celebrations, a goodly time later the commerce and consumption juggernaut picked up the torch.

Now it’s a frenzy of buy me this and if you loved me, you would get me … overpriced and overcrowded … fear and secret loathing. As a true romantic, in the most perverted sense of course, I am bound each year to find a better way.

And this year, I choose to share my bounty with you all, in hopes that you will rediscover the true quirky vice behind the travesty lovely Lupercalia has become.

First, I was doing a bit of scoping around and found an interesting coincidence …
Did you know that Spay Day is the last Tuesday of February? Does anyone else find it interesting that BOTH holidays centering on emasculation fall so close in calendar proximity? … Just saying …

Maybe there is a more romantic holiday, right in the same month, we could rally around instead?

Let’s see … there’s Working Naked Day on Feb. 1 … sounds VERY promising! Unfortunately, it’s not quite as juicily sexy and vice-laden as it sounds; it’s about working independently outside the corporate structure. While I must say that not having a corporate overlord is sexy in it’s own subtle way, not quite what we were looking for. Though, maybe we could … let’s keep getting naked in the cubicle on the table for next year … if Lupercalia can get nabbed, maybe we can take this one back instead!

Hmmm … Liberace Day on the 4th? Maybe a bit too quirky. Perhaps, let’s put this on the back burner and see how we might save the day we’ve got.

Or, at least, have a really good laugh at its expense. Here are a few samples of the hilarious collection to be found in Cap’n Wacky’s Gallery of Unfortunate Valentine’s Cards. (By the way, he’s got a whole range of such galleries which are just as much snarky fun. I tip my hat to the Cap’n wicked sense of humor and persistence in the collection of the disturbingly funny.)

Well, even if we can’t do away with VD altogether (and who doesn’t want that?), we can at least bring back some of the quirky, sexy, and (let’s face it) some of the downright silliness of the original!

In the dirty, dirty, pervy camp (MY PEOPLE!), we have a lovely gifting suggestion from our once-kinda-clean friends at low-brow malls everywhere, Spencer’s (Remember them, oh dear readers of a certain age, where we teens of the Reagan years used to sneak over to check out the silly booby bachelor party gag gifts?). According to their site, “The 7 Pc Restraint Kit comes with everything you’ll need to playfully restrain or submit to your lover. It comes with wrist tethers, a detachable leash and blindfold. Perfect for a little kinky fun!” Well, it’s not quite a whipping with bloody goat hide thongs, but it is naughty fun from a vanilla source … always good for a laugh before you pull out the REAL toys, anyway.

Maybe your sweetheart goes more for … well … the “hearts” vs “flowers” approach? How about a Plush Beating Heart by Think Geek for the weird girl who has everything? Yeah, I now, even the girl in their own promo pictures doesn’t seem to be anything less than sporting a look that says, “Either he’s a serial killer or he’s way too much of a dork for me. Either way, I’ve got a seriously uncomfortable situation on my hands here. … Wonder if I can make it through the dinner date we’ve planned? Even a weirdo is better than sitting at home watching Thelma and Louise yet another time while the rest of the planet is coupled up in something other than a suicide pact. … Then again, what does this frick’n loony have in mind with a psychotic Valentine’s Day present like this … ”

Yeah … got to admit, it’s a bit (no, a LOT) weird in a strange and über-dysfunctional Disney Rom-Com meets Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer kinda way …

Here’s something more in line with the traditions of Lupercalia, a Blood Bath Shower Curtain + Bath Mat from Perpetual Kid! Whee! You can always do the whipping right there in the bathroom and spray them with more blood … who’d notice the difference? Or, if you’re really feeling sassy … and you’re even funkier than those old Romans, you can always re-enact the Psycho shower scene or something equally romantic.

Not quite your scene? Want a little something a bit more about the coupling aspect of Lupercalia?

Perhaps Hand Huggers – The Fleece Glove for Two by Smitten Mittens is right for you? Hey … wait a second here … Actually, the supremely emphatic pair-bond statement of, “We’re so attached to each other, we can’t even bear to have separate mittens!” is a bit too VD for my taste. Hell, the site photos alone made me want to go punch cupid in his porky, little face, so I’m pretty sure those are out.

Ahhh! Here’s something a bit more weird … yet … sexy? … *scratching my head on this one* … Fundies – Underwear for Two! No … no … sorry … just not seeing it. Seems a bit “interesting” in a weird game-of-undie-Twister sort of way … if you’re into that. And there’s nothing wrong with that, really. Is there?

Oh, yes! I believe I’ve found it! The intersection between sex and weirdness! The Sculpa Sutra! I’ve got to say, I cannot stop staring at this in wide-eyed disbelief of just how strangely, disturbingly weird this is, yet I’m compelled to try to figure out what may be it’s appeal to those who have championed its cause. Well, it is about sex. And it is weird, even though in a claymation-models-fucking sort of way, which I just can’t wrap my brain around. I guess some people might be able to stop laughing at their bug-eyed mini claymation doppelgangers long enough to try a naughty position or two …

Well, no matter how you celebrate your Lupercalia, just try to steer clear of the VD. Your VICES deserve better than that sad excuse of a crap holiday.