Section: Lip SerVICES

see full size in gallery below

You’ve done the living room parties, you’ve trolled the same-ol’ same-ol’ club scene, and you crave something different, something funkaliciously new to ring in the new year. Can’t blame you. There’s nothing more suck than starting a fresh, new year with a snooze-fest.

Well, I’m here to help you find the freaky New Year’s Eve of your fevered fantasies!

Let’s start with LUSTFUL fun, since … well … that’s my favorite kind of kicks.

London, UK
Toture Garden New Years Eve Ball
How does a kinky fetish party with stage performances, naughty installations complete with cages and pole dancing podium, and what the organizers refer to as the Budoir Dungeon sound? Pretty yummy, eh?

Los Angeles
The Black & White Masquerade Ball
Our friends at Bar Sinister never fail to come up with a fab night of dark debauchery. This one has goth charm, alongside fetish fun, with play stations to start the year with a bang (or at least a nice crack or slap).

see full size in gallery below

Miss Kitty’s 2010 New Year’s Eve: A Space Sex Odyssey
Oh, fuck yes! Want to party like Barbarella on a dirty bender? Well, this is just the place for it. Miss Kitty’s has set up a futuristic disco brothel, complete with live erotic interplanetary shows, interactive pleasure stimulation areas, and … HOT DAMN! … male and female sex-bots!

Toronto, CA
SubSpace
Sure, every place has its own fetish New Year’s bash. But SubSpace has a pretty yummy one with a killer rep. Want tp get your freak on in the Toronto area? This is probably the most sexy place to do it.

Miami
Vivid’s Sex Sells
Want to rock in 2010 with some porn stars? Mega-porn giant Vivid and Opium at the Seminole Hard Rock have your perfect New Year’s Eve all ready for you!

see full size in gallery below

Nude Year’s Eve
Want to let it all hang out … I mean, literally, let it ALL hang out? Then the weekend butt-naked extravaganza at South Florida’s most well-known clothing-optional beach might just be your thing. Be warned, though, not all naked is created equal … some sights make you really grateful for the existence of clothes … just sayin’ …

Speaking of clothes, there are a few tasty options in the “fancy dress” category …

Alton, IL
Bubby & Sissy’s, an open-minded kinda place
How the fuck can you beat a fabulous drag show for unbridled fun? You can’t! This looks like a wonderful island of fab, sparkly sanity in the midst of what seems a pretty rural area so, if you’re anywhere nearby, maybe their New Year’s Eve party is just the thing to kick the ear off with some dragalicious kicks!

see full size in gallery below

Edinburgh (South Queensferry), Scotland
The Loony Dook
Okay, you’ve got me, Loony Dook is actually a New Year’s Day event, but it is part of the New Year’s weekend Hogmanay party/drunkfest so is fair game. Besides, how can one NOT love the hell out of a whole fuckload of Scots getting all dressed up in fancy dress costume, parading their asses down to the Firth of Forth in the cold, then plunging into the water for a frolic? Tell me that’s not a polar bear event with fucking killer style!

Speaking of love, how else do you think Venetians would celebrate the New Year?

Venice, IT
Love 2010
Sure, there’s a big, wonderful concert, dancing, and festivities but Love 2010 takes it up a notch on the LOVE. According to their website, “Once again, the New Year celebrations will culminate in a vast, communal kiss between over 60,000 people.” Pucker up!

There’s also some really great themed parties out there, ones that go well above and beyond to give you a night and experience you’ll not soon forget. Here are just a few examples of funky fun for the more adventurous …

Austin, TX
Welcome to the Freak Show
Like your fun with a circus freak edge to it? Welcome to the Freak Show might be right up your alley.

see full size in gallery below

London, UK
Gypsy Hotel
How can you resist anyplace that refers to themselves and their event as a, “Bourbon Soaked Snake Charmin Rock’n'Roll Cabaret and Freaky Side Show?” Easy, you fucking can’t!

Los Angeles, CA
NYETwentyTen – Space Odyssey
Super-futuristic with a frick’n geodesic dome? New Year’s Eve funkadellic WIN!

Newport, RI
New Year’s Murder Mystery at Astors’ Beechwood Mansion
What better way to have a killer night than spending the night with a killer? In the gorgeous Beechwood Mansion, you join the Astors for a night a theater, cut short by an untimely death, and get to try to solve a murder case.

Your taste even more exotic?
How about a night of sumptuous Indian cuisine, henna tattoos, and fabulously infectious music? You can get your festive Bollywood on at Brompton, Ontario’s New Year ’s Eve Bollywood Extravaganza or, if you’re here in Cali, you can do New Year’s Eve Bollywood Style at Junnoon in Palo Alto.

Now that we’ve explored the rational vice-y options for your New Year’s Eve, want to hear the most fucked up NYE package, ever? Of course you do.

What would you say to round-trip air from NY to Miami with 5-star accomodations, a cheuffer-driven Rolls to the three hottest shows and parties in town (Lady Gaga, John Legend, and Brody Jenner) for the mere paltry sum of $100,000.

What if I told you that it also includes a fucking boob job? Told you it was a fucked up package.

Speaking of fucked up, I must share something really funny I came across in my searching for tasty info for this article. Please enjoy the beautiful insanity that is Google …

click for full size and a good laugh

And, one last parting shot …

I hear, according to tradition in Bolivia, you really want to choose your NYE and New Year’s Day undies with care. Apparently, the color of your drawers will determine your fate in the coming year. Red will give you love & passion, yellow is happiness and money, green prosperity, pink for friendship, and white for hope.

Wonder what it means if you fly commando …

Whatever the new year brings, hopefully it’s all good!
It’s been a kickass year, sharing all the news of Lip Service with you all. 2010 looks to be an even more exciting year, with lots and lots of killer events and goodies to celebrate our 25th year.

Thanks for helping us get there and being part of our Original Cult of Fashion Freaks!

Mich
your friendly neighborhood webmistress

Well, it’s been a fun, freaky, and fabulously sexy year. We’ve had some firsts, some highs, and quite a lot of entertaining lows. Here are a few of my favorites!

Most Awesomely Ridiculous Contest - The World Air Sex Championship
What a landmark for this year, the very FIRST World Championship of Air Sex! Yep, that’s right, air sex. It’s silly, it’s geeklicious, it beats the crap out of that air guitar foolishness. It is a mountain of epic win. What more can I say … I mean, this shit speaks for itself!

Most Unfortunately Named Infomercial Product – The Slap-Chop
Can I just say HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Vince Schlomi was picking up steam. The Sham-wow and its absurd commercials had become a cultural fixture, giving him quite a lot of notoriety. He had a new product just launching … he was ready to move into Billy Mays or perhaps guy-with-the-bow-tie infomercial infamy … the Slap-chop was about to take off. Then, after a goodly number of girlie drinks, Vince picked up and proceeded to get into a violent altercation with, a hooker. Slap. Chop. *cue Laughter*.

Best Tasteless Twitter (actually, this is probably the all-time winner) – by Orion at Cinevolve Studios
“Now can we put Baby in the corner?” Yea!

Biggest Douchebag/Most Repeated and Embarassing Dropping of F-Bombs – Christain Bale
Can any garden-variety snit compare to the f-bomb barrage rage-fest by Chrisian Bale on the set of Terminator: Salvation? Pity for Christian that he couldn’t blame the crap showing of the not-so-blockbuster movie on the poor lighting guy, too, eh? We’ve all heard the original, “unplugged (or should I say, unhinged)” version, but have you heard this fabulously catchy re-mix? I’m bopping, how ’bout you?

Sex Tapes We Would Rather Gouge Out Eyes Than Be Forced To Endure – (tie) Carrie Prejean, David Letterman, Silvio Berlusconi
The retrograde Miss Califoria USA can keep her she-bop to herself … really. Same with talk of masturbation and such between über-creepy Italian PM Berlusconi and his hooker. But … and I’ll state this gently in the hopes of not giving you any mental pictures … David Letterman … fucking … GYAH! NO! And, worst yet, the “act” was done all over the studio building, captured on security tapes. Imagine coming across THAT view (or … yikes! NOT) while minding your own not-needing-brain-bleach business at your job. Geezer, geek boss nailing young underlings in the nooks and crannies of the building. Ewwww! I just gotta move on before I feel compelled to take some steel wool to my mind’s eye.

Most Surprising Freak: Tiger Woods
Who’d have thunk that, behind that chill exterior, our man Tiger was … well … a fucking tiger?!? At this point, am I the only woman in the Continental US who hasn’t fucked the rather prolific Mr. Woods? Look out Wilt … Tiger’s on your tail, man. The man not only has a killer swing, he’s a swinger. Good for you, Tiger. Golfers need to keep those nerves all relaxed and I can’t think of better way to tame whatever yips may come.

Most Funny Yet Really Fucked Up News Story – Oops: Teacher Accidentally Gave Self-Made Sex Tape to 5th Graders
Yes, you read that right. Some teacher, while compiling a DVD of class memories, accidentally inserted bits of naughty, naughty sex tape. She referred to it as “a horrible mix-up”. I’m pretty sure it’s more like a major jump-start on puberty for a class of 11 year olds. See what I mean, laugh your guts out funny, yet really very fucked up. The question I have, and pardon me for the lack of the more obvious outrage, but why in the hell is this woman keeping dirty evidence clips in the same place on her machine as nice, clean moments of her 5th grade class? It’s all a bit Tyler Durden to me … *shudder*

Most Likely Burning in Hell Now: (tie) Robert Novak and Billy Mays (maybe me someday)
Among the losses of beloved figures, there are always those who we kinda don’t so much mind that they’ve slipped the mortal coil. In some cases, very special cases, we harbor a little sly smile. Was there a bigger dick in the punditry class that Novak? Maybe a few squeekers, but he was the pinnacle of douchebaggery. Are some people just too fucking annoying to die? And, perhaps I’m going to hell for this (worth it, really), but all I could think when they said Billy Mays was dead was, “Thank Fucking Christ! Will he finally stop yelling at me?” Well, Mr Mays has had his last laugh, at least for now, as his grating, loud-ass voice is still yelling at us all from beyond the fucking grave.

On a serious and respectful note … R.I.P. to some groovy people …

Ricardo Montalbán – The most sauve bastard I’ve ever seen and one of the coolest villains, ever.

David Carradine – Two words … Kung Fu … that is all.

Farrah Fawcett – Her nipples straining against that bathing suit sprang a whole generation or two into sexual adulthood. Remember when smut was so sweet and nice?

John Hughes – He was our teen years.

Les Paul – He gave the world the soul of rock.

Oh, sure, there will be lots of lists all over the damn place about what all the boring-ass vanilla super-sunshiney people are thankful for coming into tomorrow’s show-thanks-by-stuffing-your-face fest. But who fucking cares about some asshole gushing over the kids they shove up your Facebook stream every fucking day anyway or the oft-posted-in-all-his-cutesy-pet-glory Mr. Fuzzy or what the hell ever … or *GYAH! … the endless meanderings about how very thank-fuuuuuuulll we should be for whatever mundane bullshit.

Well, I AM thankful … but for (at least I think) a slightly more interesting, eclectic, and … well, naughty list of fabulousity.

Warren Ellis

If you have not been introduced to the King of graphic novel jaded cynicism and glorious vulgarity (not to mention the weirdly funny and nasty one-frames “Edison Hate Future” and “Watson Hates Holmes“) go check him out immediately!  His Twitter stream has become so infamous, there is now an actual Warren Ellis twitter generator. (Arse eels to all involved!) This is also the genius who created Transmetropolitan’s Spider Jerusalem and gave him awesome lines, like: There was a time when I liked a good riot. Put on some heavy old street clothes that could stand a bit of sidewalk-scraping, infect myself with something good and contagious, then go out and stamp on some cops. It was great, being nine years old. His latest project, being the kick-ass human being he is, is FreakAngels, with free updates every Friday.

William Shatner

Is there a finer examplar of unbridled and unapologetic cheeztasticness in all the world? I think NOT! From the original gloriousness of Rocketman, to the god-awful TV shows, to his recent game show in which he ordered models over to poles to DANCE and OF COURSE the commercials, Shatner has a fine sense of humor about himself and the cult of personality which has grown around him and is a hero of epic proportion to any and all who can’t get enough ham-fisted, bloated semi-acting on a grand scale. Oh, and the “singing”! Enjoy this lovely tidbit of Shatnerificness lent to Jarvis Cocker’s “Common People” with Joe Jackson.

John Waters!

What self-respecting dirty stinking perverted freak does NOT adore the King of the Fringe, Baltimore’s Pride and Joy (or not … depending on who you’re talking to), John Fucking Waters. Beside his awesomely freaky movies, the man I like to think of as The Perverted Uncle I Never Had has also done some really fantastic spoken word. This Filthy World is equal parts insight, hilarity, and (of course) filth. Check out everything you could possibly want to know about the man and his work at Dreamland.

Larry Flynt

Ah, Larry, the patron saint of perverts and cranky bastards everywhere! I fucking LOVE this man! Not only has he built an impressive empire of awesome smut, he’s been there all along the way to fight for your right to see and read whatever the fuck you want. He’s hoisted holier-than-thou douchebags on their own sordid petards. And, all the while, he’s done it with quirky panache! Thanks Larry!

Finding everything you need for photo shoots 1 block away

How can a freak, especially one who likes to shoot lots of of sexy and gory photos, not absolutely love having latex, zesty mint blood, fangs, and everything else one could possibly want in walking distance? Add to that, a remarkably knowledgeable staff, who know everything one could ask about pretty much everything they carry, and you have a shop you never take for granted! Thanks Hollywood! Here’s a taste of some of the lovely stuff we did recently with goodies from our favorite toy store (photos by the Circus Hooker Smut Regime … painless decapitation by Wicked Illusions)…

Last but not least … how could any article of mine be complete without some lovely, naughty images to send you on your naughty way into this holiday weekend?

The Resurgence of Pin-Up!

Any and all of us sick to fucking death of seeing an endless array of starvation victims masquerading as hot babes can thank our lucky stars for the re-awakening of pin-up style. Curvy girls in saucy poses, a wink and a smile, and the lovely suggestion of invitation was something missing in other eye candy. Some of us want to be seduced, intrigued, lured … not bludgeoned with obvious and gratuitous. Thanks to The Pin-up Files for these gorgeous images of some of the classics and a few artists we may not have disovered otherwise. Check out their impressive 3-part gallery of some of the best pin-up art the web has to offer!

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Well, there you go … stuff to be thankful to have as a mental escape from the spectacle of being forced to watch Uncle Skeeter ask some poor schmucky kid to “pull his finger” one more damned time.

Happy Thanksgiving to US freaks and … well … Happy Thursday to all of you outside our food-coma-addled borders!

LA freaks, come by Bordello Bar Saturday night to join the WebMaster and I as we catch some bad-ass psychobilly, compliments of Mickey Finn and his new band, Cold Blue Rebels!

Okay, I will have to plead guilty to being an unabashed fan of the darkly tinged art our resident gore whore, Nos, and her photographic collaborator, Wicked Illusions create with staggering frequence. So much so that, when given the chance to play in their sandbox, both I and the WebMaster jumped in with both feet. Our friend, writer R.H. Stavis, checked out the gory goodness on My Zombie Pin-Up and wanted to submit some photos for their calendar contest.

side note: Make sure to vote for Rachel’s submissions at My Zombie Pin-up and help get a fellow Lippy Addict into their next calendar!

Of course, that meant we only had a week to prepare. And we’ve never shot anything even close to this complicated. And we don’t exactly have a mess of cash burning a hole in our pockets.

Yet, we said, “Fuck it! Let’s do this thing!”

Arts n Crafts! See full size in gallery below

Undaunted and filled with giddy anticipation, we forged ahead with the killer cool concept Rachel brought to the table. She wanted to bring to life a character from a short story who awakens from plastic surgery to find she now has a killer rack in the wrong sort of way. This is the story of how to pull off a zombie pin-up photo shoot with no time and virtually no budget.

The first step, after deciding on a concept, was to determine how in the hell we were going to pull it off without resorting to heroic levels of photoshopping. Now, it seemed, all those lame grade-school art projects would not have been in vain. Rather than try to build out something the day of the shoot with liquid latex, I dragged out an old LA Weekly and a flour/water mixture to go with paper mache. This was not only great for saving prep time, but would give us a prop which could be used again if needed for a reshoot.

So, step one: Get some flexible wire and build out frames to use as the base of the paper mache piece.

clever drying rig - See full size in gallery below

Of course, all those old craft projects being WAY in my past, I kind of forgot how fucking insanely long paper mache takes to dry. Even after an initial blast with the blow dryer and sitting in an airy space all night, our critical FX pieces were downright gunky and awful. SHIT!

Helpful Tip: If you have FX pieces with extended drying times, try to make them as far ahead of the shooting day as possible (unlike big dumb-ass me).

Fortunately, the WebMaster is as clever as he is yummy. Using a couple of spare fans, he created a drying rig that had our paper mache completely set up and ready for painting in just a few hours.

Step two: Apply paint/latex/etc to FX props.

The paper mache concept appeared really late in the game, much later than the WebMaster’s trip to the lovely Hollywood Blvd costume/make-up store. So, we improvised. I had a mess of light and white colors of nail polish for French manicure, so used that to cover the newsprint and provide a deathly pallor for our killer rack.

WebMaster makes lighting SEXY - See full size in gallery below

Fabulously gothy black polish gave us a nice gaping mouth, and several reds provided the blood-covered lips.

Now it was actually time to start the real shooting prep.

Step three: Get your lighting set up.

Once again, the WebMaster was there with some MacGyver quality resourcefulness. Using a large job site light rig we got years ago from that home center place, we had the overall brightness we needed in the room, but not the effect we wanted. So, my clever husband pulled the stand out from under his keyboard, set it on its side, and used it as a base for clip-on spot lights.

Step four: Prep your model

Gaping Zombie Mouth Boob - See full size in gallery below

We had it pretty easy, really, to get Rachel ready for her zombie pin-up photos. Outside of makeup and hair, which called for nothing too extensive (just pin-up with a touch of gothy goodness), we just needed to get the killer zombie boobs in place. With some strategic tearing of her shift and a bit of spirit gum adhesive, we were in business. All that remained was adding some blood … lots and lots of blood (and, added bonus, zesty mint blood … Mmmmm!).

Helpful Tip: If you are using a spatula, spoon or (in our case) chopstick to fling blood in a spatter pattern, do it on a covered or non-porous surface and away from anything you don’t want to permanently look like it came from a crime scene.

Fake/stage blood is awsome shit but it does have its funky drawbacks. It is sticky as hell and will quite possibly stain porous things. It will also tend to get everywhere if you’re not careful. We didn’t put down cover on the floor and are still finding little bitty bits of sticky on the wood floor quite apart from where I was flinging it.

Zesty Mint Blood! See full size in gallery below

Step five: Shoot some kick-ass photos!

One thing we’ve learned in our dabblings into photo and video shoots, the best time to think about the shot you want is NOT when the model is ready and waiting.

Helpful tip: Know what you want and make a plan on executing your shoot ahead of time.

The model will most likely also have some great ideas, but always know the shots/poses you want before you start shooting. If you’ve not done a particular style before (as we hadn’t done a pin-up of any style), look around and see what body positions, facial expressions, and angles you think will work for your model and shoot. If need be, be ready to show that to them, too.

Okay, that’s the extent of the shooting. But if you’re like us, you’re certainly not done yet!

Step six: The post!

There will generally always be some little tweaks and retouching to a photo, whether it be tinkering with lighting effects, adjusting the levels, blowing out or blowing up the color, you name it. But, with a zombie pin-up, that’s just the beginning of all the wonderful things you can do to enhance your shot.

In this case, I really wanted to keep Rachel’s natural beauty intact, so didn’t play with filtering and the like. Instead, I used my photoshop time to add some nasty teeth and a darting togue to make the killer zombie boobs look truly lethal. Then I added a soft lighting effect to create the look of a floodlight spotting our zombie heroine.

Well, that’s it, really. Our very first zombie pin-up shoot. With a little creative MacGyver-ing, it’s really not as daunting as it seems to get something pretty solidly cool. We won’t be meeting the level of Nos and Wicked Illusions, but we had so much fun it really didn’t matter in the end. We have a cool set of photos and Rachel will have some deadly submissions for the My Zombie Pin-up contest.

To put an end to the FULL story, we were so jazzed after our zombie pin-up shoot, we set up a gore shoot (starring ME) immediately afterward. Perhaps I’ll share those with you another time.

Until the next time …

R. H. Stavis: Zombie Pin-up - click for full size

the photo after effects - click for full size

Okay, I know. Halloween can be all about slinking into that naughty, sexy costume with the hemline, neckline, revealing cut-outs, or whatever that you wouldn’t normally wear. It’s like trying on a new you for a few hours and letting yourself do and say something outrageous … “No, it was the naughty nurse who said that … *giggle* … *wink* …”

Nos by Wicked Illusions in Bizarre Magazine - click for full size

But for some of us, kicks are a bit further out there on the shock and awe scale. A bit of vinyl is fun, but add a few gallons of faux blood, maybe some hanging intestines, facial decay … epic win! Yeah, I’m talking about one of the hotter trends in the alternative modeling world, zombie and gore pin-ups. And, I must say, I’m damn happy and proud to have one of the brighest lights in that edgy edge of things right here as part of our disturbed, little ‘zine group.

You get to read the musings of our favorite gore whore, Nos, every other week here in the ‘zine in The Devil Inside. But you may not have seen her in all her fabulous, slinky, sexy, gory glory. Here is a cool shot published in Bizarre by also fab photographers (and killer artists) Wicked Illusions (who were responsible for the über-hot werewolf Nos pics in last week’s feature). We’ve also got a great Wicked Illusions pic of Pandora Genocide in our gallery below. If you want to see some kick-ass dark photos, click through to their MySpace albums. You’ll not be disappointed.

Nos has also shot with the always-awesome Chad Michael Ward, whose photographic art makes a Marilyn Manson video feel like a trip through It’s a Small World. But there is an ethereal beauty in the dark images, something creeping in and tugging at the hanging bits of your soul … compelling you to delve further. We wanted to give you a small sampling (and none with the naked ladies because … well … you can click through and see ‘em yourself), but you REALLY want to go to his site and check out his complete collection of creepily erotic imagery.

If dark-tinged gore is perhaps not your thing, maybe some nice, wholesome pin-ups are more like it? Or some ZOMBIES! Or maybe some ZOMBIE FUCKING PIN-UPS! Yea baby! Leading the braaaaaaains contingent is My Zombie Pin-up, with a killer calendar of undead cheesecake. WOOT! Or, if you want to check out a dazzling array of zombie sexy, take a little trip over to Zombie Pin-ups and get all the rotted eye candy you can ever hope to see all in one place. Or perhaps you might like Ghoul Girls … There’s no limit to the yummy braaaaaaaaaaaain-chomping beauties out there!

Or, if smooth, sensual zombie sexy with a hypnitically ethereal soundtrack is more your thing, check out this killer video by photographer (and webcam diva) JJ Bonde.

Okay, so maybe blood and hangy guts (or braaaaaaaains *hee hee*) are not your bag … how’s about some ROBOT BABES!!

For my money, the leader of the robot pin-up pack has got to be Jeffery Scott of Factory 1019. Not only are his beauties mesmerising, in his digital artist perfection, he creates the world around the characters he creates. Sure, images of women spliced with machinery can be a little disturbing, but when they’re this dead-on sexy, we can live with it!
If Factory 1019 doesn’t sate your hunger for robot babes, never fear … there’s MORE! You can check out some hot robots, as well as some wicked fantasy digital art in Michael O’s gallery. Or you can take a peek at the sexy future as envisioned by Benedict Campbell. Or perhaps human dolls is your thing? You can get your Barbie-lovin’ engine running with some cool digital art by Alex Sandwell Kliszynski.

And … OH YEAH! There are aliens too! If you want to create your own funky Pinups from Outer Space, I’ve got just the tool for you! Pin-Ups From Outer Space (hard to forget that, eh?)

Or … if you happen to make your way to Osaka, maybe you’d like to live out the alien abduction of your naughty dreams at the Hotel Loire. *heh* Happy probing!

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Well, that’s lots of food for naughty thought of how to spice up your Halloween in some rather funky ways. Until then …

It was that kind of night. The kind of night that skulked in the corners of your mind, waiting to strike. The boredom crawled on me like a disease. There was that bottle, some rotgut whiskey itching to take a bite out of my will. That bastard was not getting my head again.

I had to escape this mouldering death, the funk wallowing in the stillness of the quiet. But how?

Then I saw her. She was sitting there like the promise of a sweet, delicious treat. I eyed her up, not wanting to fall victim to her charms, not that easily. Play it cool, I thought, you have all night.

Slowly, I made my way across the room, not too eager. She just sat there, all dressed in red like Christmas wrapping waiting to be torn open. I would part that red jacket of hers and dive right in … after a good, stiff drink.

I always like a sip before I crack the cover on a new Spillane.

————

Ah, damn, I love pulp! Like a lover, it creeps into your head and gives you ideas that the underbelly ain’t so bad after all … if you can stay cool, that is. And nobody stayed cool like the original pulp heroes, the hard-boiled dicks who followed the penny dreadfuls, dime novels, and spicy adventure stories to lead the way for a whole new class of steamy, seamy fiction.

And the private dick wouldn’t have such a time of it without the dames. There are two kinds of dames, the ones who need saving and the ones beyond redemption. Both got their share in the pulps … in spades!

Pulp dames are always getting themselves in some kind of jam.

And then there’s the other kind. Call them hussies, harlots, babes, it doesn’t really matter worth a damn. They’re not in trouble, they are trouble.

Sometimes the jitterbug gets in people’s heads, making them lose their cools. Take the beats and swingers, they’re off the edge.

Some of them, they start early, real early. You see the kids on the corner and you know. They’re up to no good and it’s just just a matter of time. They got the joint written all over them, got a reservation on their number.

Once they get a taste of the party life, the dark side of the street, there’s no coming back.

Thanks to several incredible online resources for vintage paperbacks for their work in collecting these awesome images for us to enjoy. We have not even scratched the surface of their collections. Check them out, but make sure you have some time to spend because, like a life of sin, it will suck you right in and not let you go easily.

Vintage Paperbacks
Book Scans – The goal of the Bookscans Project is to provide a visual catalog of ALL vintage American paperbacks (for my purposes, this is roughly the first 20 years of paperback-sized books; especially those printed before 1960 and/or having a 25¢ or 35¢ cover price). Collectors will probably declare this goal so lofty as to be impossible. They’re right, of course, but even at its conception, Bookscans is the largest site of its type in the world. With the help of others, we just might come close to making it complete; and it’ll be totally within the public domain (i.e., its free).

A great place to shop for vintage paperbacks at great prices with most cover art available to view
Hooked On Books

See you next time – I’ll be back with more sin and debauchery on October 14

Continuing in the series I like to think of as “Get to Know a Degenerate”, this week our subjects are the comedians of Jokerz Internet Radio. We’ve all seen stand-up, but what goes on when stand-up comics get together and talk? What do they think about their craft and the other comedians who share the stage? I wanted to know and thought you might too.

The Jokerz are:

Jim Fredrick (who you already know as the twisted bastard behind Billy the Corpse, the horror tale in our Spellbinders section)

Jim is a novelist as well as a comedian. He dabbled in comedy in the 90s before hanging it up to focus on his career in marketing and public relations. Unable to completely disengage from the stand up experience, he first put his energies into a fiction novel with a stand-up protagonist (A Cross to Bare, available on Amazon.com and BarnesandNobel.com), before returning to the stage in September of 2006. Within a few months, he qualified for a competition at the Miami Improv, and then began to seek out every possible stage opportunity like a junkie in desperate need of a fix.

Jim Fredrick – Stand-Up from Lip Service on Vimeo.

Richy Lala

Richy (Richard Leis) is a happy-go-lucky native Philadelphian whose surprising dark side shocks audiences up and down the East Coast. On stage he agily jumps from sincerity to sarcasm, dry wit to up-roaring energy! Crowd after crowd love this uniquely semitic, hard working, funny man! Formerly, Richy has Improv training at Philadelphia’s Walnut Street Theater, and Pittsburgh Filmmakers. A twenty year student of the arts, Richy is a born Stand-Up who has to be seen to be believed!

Kevin McLeman

Kevin is known for his observational and topical humor, along with touching on religion, family and every day life.

Matt Z

Matt describes himself as “an unfunny waste of genetic material slowly decomposing into a puddle of hairy flab and vitriol.” He’s one of the most controversial voices in South Florida comedy, with jokes addressing pedophilia, bestiality, the disabled, twisted Internet pornography and drug use. But, at least, the material usually has a cerebral point: A dog-fucking joke is a way to comment on Rick Santorum’s famous claim that gay marriage would lead to men wedding canines, and a riff about men’s fascination with lesbian porn results in a brilliant, lengthy, academic-sounding treatise he machine-guns out with Carlin-esque speed.

Many stories one hears about comics involve some level of masochistic tendencies (how else could anyone withstand making their bones?) and a particularly vicious streak of mockery between them. So, of course, I had to ask about it. The guys gave some very different answers.

Comedy as narcissism vs masochism and viciousness between comics as fraternity hazing.

When it feels good to bomb and occasional comics

Embracing the viciousness and sharing the special joy that comes from other guys bombing

Comics as intellectual bullies

The choice of whether or not to sell out pops in most successful comedians’ careers. Here’s what they had to say:

To sell out or not sell out?

The last question, for this week anyway, was, “Who is your ultimate comedy god and what would you ask them, if given the chance?” Honestly, I got a vastly different answer than I expected.

Ask Kinison

I think I’ll leave you with that thought, “If you’re gonna ask anyone about the afterlife, ask a comic.”

If you want to check out more of the Jokerz, you can watch videos and listen to show archives at blogtalkradio.com/jokerzinternetradio. Or you can listen live and talk with the guys every Sunday night at 11 PM Eastern (8 PM Pacific) by calling 347-324-3937.

See you next time!

There is lots and lots of vice on the internet, which we all love, of course. Rather than give you the obvious, I thought it would be much more fun to show you the OTHER sins you can feed with these lovely, sinful tubes. Because, well, I’ll be giving you plenty of sex next time with a video interview with hot webcam treat, JJ Bonde. You’re scrolling down to lust already, aren’t you … ah well, after you check that out, pervs, enjoy the rest of the full monty of sin …

The Seven Deadly Sins of the Internet!!!

Anger

Anger - The Smash Shack - Click to enlarge

Okay, this one would be damn easy if I just went for the obvious. But, hell, you can find hateful fucking douchebaggery anywhere. I would rather offer a fun and destructive outlet for your anger management issues. So, if you’re feeling a bit ragey, why not hook up with Sarah’s Smash Shack in San Diego. For a reasonable price, you can go into a special room and smash the fuck out of whatever goodies you pick up there … You can even bring in your own stuff to destroy. It’s all good and it’s a whole mess of fun!

Or, if you’re not feeling the smashy-smashy, perhaps you’re a bit more into the passive aggression? At Passive Aggressive Notes, you can get some great ideas for that next work refrigerator, dorm bathroom, or even posted to random public places tome to express your dissatisfaction to the world around you.

Avarice posterchild Oprah at Ugliest Tattoos - Click to enlarge

Avarice

Okay, this one is a toughie, too, without giving undue attention to the get-rich-quick asshats looking to score your hard-earned bread. So, instead, I went a bit lower rent and give you a good laugh, to boot. At Infomercial Hell, you can check out the latest “hot” products and plot your rise to the top of the entrepreneurial heap while laughing your ass off at the hilarious commentary.

And, got to say, no commentary on greed would be complete without a shout out to my good, avaricious buddy Oprah and her site filled with ways you can make her even more wealthy through your collective worship. Doesn’t she have enough fucking cash by now?

Speaking of Op, here we have that which damn well should be a sin but, sadly, isn’t, we give you Ugliest Tattoos. Seriously, heinously bad ink … sigh … there ought to be a fucking law!

Gluttony - Food Porn Daily - Click to enlarge

Envy

In a world taken over by “aspirational” marketing and all the bullshit that comes with it, where does one find some good, interesting, and new wrinkle in the world of envy? Why, at Celeb 4 a Day! For a nominal fee, a sad, sad asshole can rent everything from paparazzi to fake PR flacks to trail them around and feel like a real celebrity. Fuck, we really are just one step from vomitoriums, aren’t we?

Gluttony

Seriously, I can’t do this sin without a shout to the mainstay of gluttonous hedonism, Chow. It is the promised land of gluttony and food excess, with restaurant info, recipes, drink info, you name it.

Gluttony - Taste Spotting - Click to enlarge

But, I want to throw some less travelled gluttonous destinations your way. For the dedicated glutton, especially those who love nothing more than a fabulous dose of food porn to treat our eyes, Food Porn Daily is a must-go destination. I challenge you to NOT drool. Another yummy food glutton site is Taste Spotting, another massive collection of foodgasmic photos, recipes, and info.

For you liquid gluttons, and who doesn’t love a satisfying drunk, there is Liqurious, the home for all manner of drunk-o-liciousness.

Lust - My Friend's Feet

Lust

Lust - Human Ponies

Okay, you fucking perverts, I know you’re looking for lots of links to all sort of nasty smut. Well, too damn bad! There is more amusement to be had by finding the road less traveled, the world of niche interests. Because we’re dealing with adult sites, fun and silly though they may be, I am totally a link nazi … NO LINKS FOR YOU! But just know that sites like Human Ponies and My Friends Feet are out there, ready to satisfy your more unique desires for riding your boyfriend or, perhaps, seeing him in sheer, sheer socks … I won’t even get into the hirsute sites we came upon or the godzilla bukakke (because bukakke is so last month anyway). I’ll leave you the fun and frolic of finding them yourself.

Pride - Awful Plastic Surgery - click to enlarge (if you dare)

Pride

Oh, this is a favorite! When it comes to vanity, there is so much to choose from on the internet, but one of my personal favorites is Awful Plastic Surgery. They say, “Pride goeth before the fall,” but not in fucking Hollywood it doesn’t; more like nipped, tucked, stretched, and plumped to within an inch of it’s frick’n life! Not only do you get to see wickedly obvious pictures of celebrities with bad plastic surgery, you get witty commentary by a plastic surgeon horrified by the excess. It is, in a word, juicy!

On a messier vein, here is a solid future candidate for the site above, Gwynneth Paltrow and her Goop. Gwynnie is certain she has so much to offer we little people, like advice on which $800 shoes, $1500 purses, and $600/night hotels we should pick. And, of course, we have the recipe to Gwynnie’s goop, the details on her “elimination” … yeah … ewwwww!

Sloth

Considering the entire internet is a huge vortex of slack, this was an easy one. But that would be far too slothful, even for lazy-ass me. Instead, I’d rather help you to reach your pinnacle of slackitude by steering you toward Run My Errand, a service in Boston which does exactly what it says, helps you find people to do all the crap you can’t be bothered dealing with yourself. If you’re not in Boston, never fear, there is another site, Do My Stuff, which lets you post your shitty jobs for other, less lazy, people to bid on doing for you. Now you can get back to surfing porn like the true lazy-ass red-blooded American you are!

Tacky Weddings - click to enlarge (if your eyes can take it)

Well, that’s it for the regular sins, but what about those things on the internet which really should be a sin? I’ve got a few real treats for you!

First, take a nice, long wander through the the most fucked up weddings you’ve ever seen at Tacky Weddings. Yes, those are REAL wedding photos or real brides. Scary shit, huh?

Dog Glasses ... just fucking sick

Then there is the disturbed website that thinks it is not the height of cruelty of put goggles and sunglasses on your frick’n dog. Seriously, they really should be stopped!

But these are just an appetizer for the King of Bat Shit Crazy. If you have never heard of Ted Jesus Christ God, you really owe it to yourself to check out his new site. Yeah, I know it’s not nice to laugh at crazy people, but Ted is just too fabulously whacked out to resist. I may be going to hell, but the belly laughs are worth it. Just get cozy and settle in for some of the weirdest shit you will ever encounter anywhere. You’re welcome!

NEXT TIME (WED. SEPT. 2) GET READY TO MEET JJ BONDE AND FIND OUT IN OUR EXCLUSIVE VIDEO INTERVIEW THE SECRETS OF CYBERSEX FROM A REAL WEBCAM PERFORMER!

My girlfriend has been dropping hints that she wants us to get kinkier. I keep finding bookmarks to S&M and bondage sites on my computer and she’s even been teasing me about dominating her. It’s kinda embarrassing, but I don’t know what to do or where to start. ~ Kinkonfused

Can I just start by saying, “Dude, you are one lucky son of a bitch!” Most guys who try anything beside plain old vanilla sex get nothing but the stink-eye and blue balls. So rejoice and revel in your freaky good fortune!

Kinky Fun Fact #1: Women who read bodice-ripping pulp novels aren’t in it for the literary value.

Okay, here’s how it starts. You get to find out just how nasty of a bad girl your girlfriend really is and that is some down and dirty fun! There’s a whole lot of kink out there and so many levels it could make your fucking head spin. Find hers.

Kinky Fun Fact #2: Great sex, especially the kinky kind, is all in your head.

She wants you to be the boss, so kick it off right by making her tell you her fantasies. And don’t be fucking coy about it, this is an opportunity for smoking hot foreplay that gets in her head and juicy imagination. Her brain is what’s going to get her off, so tease her turn-on by introducing her to the you that’s ready, willing, and able to give her all her most heated desires.

Now you know what she’s been imagining in the dirtiest parts of her mind. What the hell do you do with it?

Kinky Fun Fact #3: Your mileage will ALWAYS vary. Find out yours before you get behind the wheel.

Don’t take every fantasy at face value or compare yourselves to anything or anyone else, especially fiction and internet role-players. Ask about what she’s done before. This is no time to get squeamish about her past sex life; it’s important shit and you need to know as much as possible.

Even if her tastes are more intense and she’s been there before, don’t just assume you can leap in without knowing what you’re doing and whether you can both handle what you’re about to get into. Trust me, people get hurt … seriously hurt … that way. Relationships and trust get massively fucked up and it ain’t pretty. Your sex life together is not a race so don’t treat it like one. This is one of the best rides you’re ever going to have, so why not enjoy the hell out of every bit of the way?

While we’re on more intense kink play and patience …

Kinky Fun Fact #4: When it’s about kinky sex, education is hot and ignorance is dangerous.

Okay, here’s the part about responsibility. (Yeah, I know … but it’s really fucking important.) You’ve found out your girlfriend is a pain slut. But do you know how to give her the sensation she wants without risking harm? Maybe she wants to be tied up and ravaged. Do you know what positions might cause injury to joints and nerves or constrict blood flow or breathing and how to get her out in an emergency? Perhaps she’s suggesting some intense domination. Do you know how far is too far and kink has become abuse?

You need to know this shit. Get yourself some learning and have fun practicing all your new knowledge. Enjoy getting some new toys and learning about what exquisite new feelings they can give. And, believe me, we girls LOVE new toys and new sensations!

Kinky Fun Fact #5: A lot of what you read and hear about kink is bullshit.

Know who you’re learning from and whether they know what the fuck they’re doing before trusting anything they have to say. There are a lot of self-important assholes out there in kink-land. It’s not a bad thing to be wary of self-professed “experts”; it could save you a lot of pain.

Kinky Fun Fact #6: Last but definitely not least … for chrissakes, you need to play safely!

The kink community has embraced the motto, “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” for quite a while for a reason. Kink done wrong can seriously fuck people up, physically and mentally.

Here are a few pieces of advice to help you on your way:
NEVER EVER FUCKING EVER play at anything without a safeword. Decide on two words beforehand, one to slow things down and one for emergencies to stop everything altogether.
NEVER EVER assume consent. It is not unconditional.
Discuss limits before getting to the fun parts.
When in doubt, save it for the next time.
Talk often and don’t hold anything back.
Respect the consent of others … privacy goes two ways. Exhibitionism may be a turn-on for you, but it’s not very nice for the people who didn’t consent to watch.

Most importantly, have fun with your bad self!
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The WebMistress will be back with more Lip SerVICES on Wednesday, August 19. If you have a question you’d like answered, please email the Webzine.

Mich, the WebMistress, has been the Novice and Education Director of a 501(c)3 non-profit BDSM/Kink organization, a sexual freedom activist, and Pantheon of Leather community service award nominee and continues to be a fabulously naughty person.