La Carmina and Sebastiano Serafini for NoH8 Japan

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Now, back to the regularly-scheduled feature!

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Are you part of a loving, stable, romantic relationship?

Good for you!  I mean that, no snark attached. It’s not easy to find a real partner in life and love. When should you celebrate said love? Whenever the hell you want.

You heard me … whenever. If a universal random day mid-way through February works for your romantic savoir faire, go with it. Any time is a good time for an excuse to show appreciation for the one you love. Why not February 14th? For that matter, why not February 13th, too, and February 15th and, color me crazy, but why not July 28th? You see where I’m going with this.

I’m not really writing this for you people, anyway. You’re, for the most part, covered. No matter which way you go, you’re still treated like a normal person regardless of how you spend your day.

Not so, our not-so-neatly-paired-off brethren.

For you, before we begin our wrap-up of our culture’s insulting treatment of not-paired people (sometimes -lamely- referred to as, I shit you not, “singletons” [Doesn't that sound suspiciously like "simpleton"? Just sayin'.]), I’d like to share a few fun facts I tripped upon online.

Fun Fact: According to the condom company Durex, condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.

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Other Fun Fact: More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month.

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What We Should Infer From This: Perhaps Durex might not be the best condom choice?

Let’s just come out and say it, shall we? If you are not part of a “loving” couple during this time of year, our media is apparently convinced you need help, lots and lots of help, dealing with this unbearable lack of pair bond. Mind you, if said media weren’t so busy stuffing VD down our necks, they’d perhaps realize the obvious.

But, when push comes to shove, the hype machine is going to churn out whatever gets the most money out the the most people. It exists to make you feel like the worst, most miserable person in the world because you don’t have a mate, so it can sell you on pampering yourself to feel better about being constantly told you’re the worst, most miserable person in the world because you don’t have a mate. It’s most convenient for the folks at the end of that money train, but awfully crazy-making for the rest of us.

 Are you (pity, pity, scorn) ALONE for Valentine’s Day (pity, pity, scorn)?

First off, the media would like you to know, you’re a SURVIVOR. Seriously, that’s the language they use when writing VD pieces for “singletons”, survival. You’re addressed as if it’s an unendurable trauma to not be paired up for this one day, versus all others.  Of course, we won’t go into WHO is shoving the idea that being on your own for VD is akin to the worst possibe torture and shame again … we know, oh the irony.

Here are a few snippets from some seemingly well-meaning guides to not appearing to be quite so pathetic, “singleton”:

From the school of waaaaahmbulance at  chiff.com “Valentine’s Survival Guide”:

“Think of all the money you’re saving.” + “Get together with people who do love you [read: if you can find one, you loser]” + “Find ways to work on becoming the person your dream partner would fall in love with. Start therapy.” Seriously, they include that in the VD list just like that … start therapy. Nice. Feeling like a Survivor yet?

Or, you can go with an “I don’t want any of that stupid love stuff, anyway.” strategy, according to iVillage UK’s Reasons to Be Single this VD:

“…you don’t have to pretend to like the cheap chocolates, flowers or teddy bear that your other half coughs up.” + “It’s cool to be single.” [Yes, they really pull that out, the cool. Sad, right?] + “You can get up when you want (having spent the whole night asleep because you weren’t lying next to a snorer)…” + “The love you give to and receive from friends will last longer than most romantic love or lust. Arrange a single’s Valentine’s party with a group of single friends, male and female. You can bet that there’ll be at least one new couple by the end of the evening. [because you desperately need that not-quite-so-good-as-friendship love anyway]”

And, just because you’re a supposedly-carefree teen, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about Surviving VD. Just ask GirlsLife:

“Be grateful that it falls on a weekday this year. Seriously, who wants to go out on a school night? Not me.” + [misery loves company] “Spending the day scoffing solo at cartoon cupids and mushy PDA in the hallways won’t make ya happier. Trust me. Find a buddy who feels that same way you do, and giggle together.” + “Instead of thinking of Feb. 14, 2012, as “Valentine’s Day,” think of it as … “the day I made Granny’s cheesecake all by myself” [I could make so many jokes here, the sheer volume of options exploded my brain.].

Don’t get too smug, guys, because according to AskMen, you are not immune:

“Blow off some steam and forget all about the love-and-hearts crap. You also don’t have to worry about any of the holiday talk creeping into the conversation unless it’s: “Man, am I glad I don’t have to waste time on that Valentine’s junk.” [Because, evidently, men magically become petulant 5 year-olds in the absence of VD plans]” + “You don’t even necessarily have to leave the country (though it wouldn’t be a bad idea considering most countries don’t celebrate such a dumb holiday)” + a little slice of quiet desperation “Big. Farking. Deal. …  Just pretend it’s a normal day … and do all the things you’d do on a normal, boring day. It only lasts 24 hours, and you spend the majority of that time in bed or at work. It will all be over soon.”

All in all, only you can decide how and in what state of mind you spend next Tuesday. Hopefully, whatever you choose, it bears no resemblance to what the media shame-and-guilt-and-consumption machine would have you do. Acknowledge or don’t, celebrate or don’t, just make the day a little less about society’s expectations and a LOT more about what makes you happy.

Speaking of which, no matter what your romantic situation, I think everyone can get behind 95-year-old Ernest Borgnine’s favorite way of wiling away the extra hours.  (Thanks to the lovely Aly Sinclair for the link.)

How’s that working out for you?: Skirting the fine line between clever and stupid

don't be this guy

We’ve all done it. Those of us with any passing familiarity of bongs of either sort have come up with what we think is The Best Fucking Costume, Ever!™. Sadly, it rarely is. Instead of being the toast of the party, fielding compliments on your clever, clever costume, you wind up parading around all night in the physical manifestation of a bad pun (the lowest form of comedy – considering ventriloquism, that’s pretty low). Just say no, kids.

Seriously, do you want to be the douchecanoe wearing the “Party in My Pants”? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

shitty costumes

Tops in the bottom of the barrel of bad taste and appalling lack of cleverness has got to be the shitty costumes (it works on a lot of levels) by Fantasy Toyland. I’m not kidding. They are costumes of shit … wow, just wow. Here are “Holy Shit”, “Tough Shit”, and “Hot Shit”. There is also “Bullshit” and “No Shit”. I’ll just let the folks who decided these were a good idea tell you all about them … take it away, cashing-in-on-you-not-being-as-clever-as-you-think-you-are costume makers …

“These Adult Shit Costumes ensure a stinky evening to be had for all! Never has something so gross been so utterly appealing [or ... ummm ... not], as a group costume idea and as a solo outfit. Each Shit Costume is designed with your clever sense of humor [or, more likely, lack thereof] in mind.  …  Seriously, what could get more hysterical and ingenious than one of these shit costumes [would you like an itemized list of virtually everything else in existence or can we simply stipulate?]?

For adults who are mature [yep, that's the very first word I'd pick *snort*] enough to handle these offensive costumes (or immature enough to appreciate them), each poop costume is bound to be a huge, stinkin’ hit! [You keep saying this word "stinking". I don't think it means what you think it means.] Your friends and family might have seen pun costumes before [One might pre-suppose on whom, mightn't one?] , but have they seen poop costumes as clever as these? [Are there even less clever poop costumes out there? Dear Pesci, that's a disturbing fact to be sloshing around the ol' brain pan!] Now’s the time to enlighten [Once again, the very first word I'd pick ... are you guys psychic? *gyah*] everyone you know with one of our shit costumes, each of which comes with appropriate props to complete the message. [Holy crap! There's a "message" lurking within the shit costumes? How fabulously meta. Are they non-ironically ironic, too?] And if you forget to pick one of these Poop Costumes? Tough shit, man! [Oh, I see what you did there! Haha! Man, that cleverness never runs out, does it? *facepalm*]

In fairness, the fine people at Fantasy Toyland do have one costume which could actually be considered within the boundaries of cleverness. Feast your eyes on the Mike Hunt’s Diving School costume, with  shirt saying, “Mike Hunt’s Diving School – ‘Experience Counts when Going Down.” Okay, even cynical ol’ me got a chuckle out of that one. Unfortunately, whoever was responsible for every other shitty costume (and, most likely, shit costume) had to poke their grubby fingers in and add “Muff Diver” to the tank. Damn. We knew they couldn’t help but drag the one bright light of clever into the crappy muck of the obvious. *feh* You kids today and your shitty literalist humor … sigh.

When “Sexy” Goes Horribly Awry

Yes, it is a sacred tradition of Halloween; even the most normally straight-laced ladies have leave to … well … not be so lady-like. Of course, being a part of the Lippy family for some time, I am no stranger to the fun of strutting about in a slinky, short costume. I’ve also had a lifetime of observing the familiar pattern of “_____ + sexy = Best Fucking Costume, Ever!™”, even done my own versions of “Sexy ____”. I have boobs, right? I’m pretty sure there’s a law of some sort along those lines.

Anyway, after season upon season of Sexy Cop, Sexy Cat, Sexy Bunny, Sexy Maid, blah blah blah … instead of innovating the classic, a few costume makers have decided to get, shall we say, adventurous with the “Sexy + ___” equation. But, I must say, aren’t there some things which are just not meant to be “sexy” … ever? Maybe we need to set some ground rules to prevent the disturbing moment of coming across “Sexy Oscar the Grouch” or “Sexy Tin Man (as a … wtf … hot chick in a micro-mini)” or *ewwwwww* “Sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle”. Seriously people, do we really need sexed-up versions of icons of our childhood? Sexy Flower the Skunk? Really? It must end before it results in the appalling possibility of “Sexy SpongeBob” … ahhhh fuck.

One other thing … when did serial killing make the roster of “sexy”? Sexy Leatherface costume? (Yes, there is one.) Apparently, a new equation has been written to declare weapons and death as part of the sexy by the costume providers of Amazon. I, on the other hand, call shenanigans (and lock the door).

Apparentlly, an axe is the go-to sexy accessory this year? WTF

While these various examples of sexy gone awry are somewhat disturbing in their own special way, one must admit they’re inherently harmless. So what if a not-normally-wild girl decides it would be fun to rock her curves as a Sexy Cowardly Lioness or Sexy Seed of Chucky (real costumes, by the way)? Slightly silly, yes, but no harm, no foul.

This last costume, on the converse, is not only in bad taste, but potentially harmful. Every wrongheaded asshat who decided this costume was a good idea and drew it up, created patterns, greenlit the product, or displayed it for sale should be deeply ashamed of themselves. Further, it doesn’t seem excessive to round them up to chase through the streets with villagers brandishing torches and pitchforks (well, at least metaphorically).

Ladies, gentlemen, and degenerates, I give you the “Anna Rexia” costume (hopefully to the sound of booing and the pitching of rotten fruit).

Can I get a communal *eewww*?

Bonus Round 1: Costumes to Get Your Son Beat Up on the Playground

Parents, I beg of you, when you’re tempted to get any of these sorts of “adorable” and “clever” costumes, just say no. Your son will thank you later, when he’s not permanently tagged with a bullying bullseye for countless wedgies, swirlies, and whatever tortures of the damned those crazy kids are up to these days. And think of the future therapy bills you’ll save!

Bonus Round 2: Costumes to Hasten Your Daughter’s Trip to the Pole

Is it just me, or does this photo just ooze with *eewwww*

Are strippers born or made? The very existence of this group of costumes begs an answer to that question; can the clothes make the girl or, rather, instill a desire to remove them in public? Don’t get me wrong, as an erotic photographer, I adore strippers and naked people of all sorts. This is not the question at hand. The question you should be asking yourself, ideally before picking up that costume for little Amber or Tyffani, is how you feel about potentially providing your little girl with what could be the first step on the journey to the pole.

It takes a special person to be the proud parent of a stripper. First, there’s the creative use of language in naming conventions and *erm* lots of other stuff, I suppose. Right up there is selecting a costume for your little darling which is nothing more than a shrunken-down version of the “Sexy ___”. Of course, being part of Lip Service as well as a company which proudly includes “Smut” right there in its name, I think sexy is a very good thing – unless, of course, you’re talking about “sexy” on a 3rd grader.

Mind you, there’s disagreement about the age when it starts to be appropriate for the word “sexy” to apply without the *eeewww* creepy uncle factor being involved, but I think we can all agree that the 6-12 year old group is where it definitely does not (or at least shouldn’t). Every last one of these costumes were marked for either children or tweens. You can judge for yourself whether pre-pubescent girls have any business wandering around in the dark in these on a night all about getting candy from strangers.

I must offer a special “Dishonorable Mention” to whoever produced the range of Monster High costumes for the most consistently inappropriate gear for little girls since Bratz (or, as I like to refer to them, Whorz). Are there really parents out there who don’t find it disturbing to put 8-12 year old girls in miniature versions of sexy clubwear?

I suppose I should be happy to not have found a companion girl’s “Ho” costume to go along with the boys’ “Pimp” costume (yes, there is one).

Well, that wraps up the pre-game Don’ts for this Halloween season. Enjoy your candy of all sorts *wink*! Lip SerVICES will be back with more sin and debauchery next month.

About Mich

Mich Masoch is a Co-Ringleader of the Circus Hooker Smut Regime, taker of naughty photos, lifelong sinner, and occasional writer of filthy prose. She is a member of the seedy underbelly of the Los Angeles creative underground and unofficial camp Mom of the Naked People Industry™. Her work can be seen around the interwebs on CHSRegime sites, including Vampryrotic and the upcoming EroticaStock, as well as on various alt and fetish sites and models’ portfolios.

Servitù Presents Nick Kushner ‘Les Crimes De L’Amour’ Sponsored by Lip Service

Nick Kushner

Every so often, Lip Service has the opportunity to be part of celebrating cutting edge artists who put themselves into every aspect of their works. In the case of Nick Kushner, this act of creation is not a mere matter of symbolic dedication, but a literal act of karmic alchemy. Using his own blood as medium, he literally bleeds his art onto the canvas.

I am happy to report that Lip Service sponsored the first solo exhibition of Kusher’s works, ‘Les Crimes De L’Amour’, held this past weekend at Studio Servitù (which is swiftly becoming the home to all things interesting and beautifully twisted in the LA underground). He premiered new as yet unseen works (in the gallery below), alongside a retrospective of his prior catalogue, set off against a backdrop of sanguine-stained walls and aural pleasure provided by Twiggy Ramirez. Nick even took time out to sign a few works, in his own blood, of course.

Oh yeah … and … Marilyn Manson took over as DJ to world premiere the new album, “Born Villain”

You see, my fine degenerates, when we say it’s going to be an event … we mean it. Please do keep that in mind when I start telling you about 11.11.11 … just sayin’. You can read more about the event and check out photos here in the LS ‘zine.

Just an FYI for you art lovers, Nick’s latest works will be available for view by appointment at Studio Servitù and prints are also available through his site, TheThirdAngelSounded.com.

Nick Kushner and His Art

Fascinated from an early age in the transformative quality of art, Nick Kushner noted the use of the act of creation as a catharsis and expression of growth. Later, as his keen interest in the occult grew, along with a sense of isolation and disconnect with the commonplace world around him, he drew parallels between the hero’s journey and its necessary sacrifices as a catalyst of inner growth and the motivation behind the creation of art. In September of 1998 he used his own blood to create a self-portrait, envisioning himself crucified and bleeding. He says, “It was the first time I’d used the medium and it was a signification that should I be martyred for manifesting my individual Will then so be it.” Over the years since, his use of blood as medium has deepened in significance, an instrument of both his catharsis and the intent which charges his works.

Art, Kushner believes, can also have a profound effect on the viewer, communicating the will and motivation instilled by the artist. This effect is critical, the final half of the process of creation. It brings the affection born in the creation back, full circle, to its creator. Kushner credits this magical aspect of art with making his connection to those he loves most possible, his unique works bringing them together.

With his recent works, Kushner has infused more of his love of Classical ideals. Along with the surreal themes of his early pieces, he adds a greater emphasis on the meticulous delicacy and detail of Renaissance art. The often traditional themes of the Classical period are turned on themselves, given a degenerate and chaotic bent where artist is creator and base desires are ennobled. The effect, as in earlier works like Borgia: The Pope Entering Pandaemonium or more current pieces such as the self-portrait The Immoralist, is stunning. At once dreamy and utterly lifelike, the visuals evoke both the mystically erotic and stark reality of dark obsession. They reflect the evolution of their creator and inspire us to seek cathartic magic in ourself.

To view The Degenerate Art of Nick Kushner, visit his website at TheThirdAngelSounded.com

Expanding his scope beyond the visual, Kushner created the popular website, Nachtkabarett. Dedicated to the occult, it contains his well-researched writings on the esoteric as well as creative and mystical facets of the work of his only living hero, Marilyn Manson. Featured on MTV Germany, the expansive site inspired a book of Kushner’s writings, soon to be released by a notable independent publisher.

To read Nick Kushner’s written works, visit Nachtkabarett.com

Interview with Nick Kushner

I had a chance to sit down and ask Nick anything; this is what he had to say.

- What inspired your first use of blood as a medium, back in ’98? How did the idea evolve to become such a major facet of your work?

The motivation behind the use of blood in my art, which is all my own blood, from the beginning was the literal insertion of myself into my works. Where the line between the creator and creation is indivisibly blurred. I choose to approach my art, as well as my life, on the same level as alchemy where the path the magician undertakes is a transformative process. When one devoutly pursues that which is his true will, it’s the journey as opposed to the end result which is the rebirthing process that takes one where he needs to go and the use of my own blood as a medium, though has varied in complexity and volume significantly since I first applied it deliberately to paper when I was 15, was the most personal and symbolic method with which to portray this concept. Using blood, and the pain which is involved with its acquisition, acts as a cathartic process to unleash an inner transformation within oneself.

- The very early works on your site have a greater emphasis on the surreal and modern. When and how did your style begin to shift, involving more Classical ideals into the style and theme?

Dali, in his later career began to explore his own interpretations of classical Christian imagery. Its these classical eras of art that contain themes and subjects that carry with them grandeur and efficacy which much of the art of today seems to deliberately veer in the opposite direction from. It’s not a question of scale, detail or particular subject matter but rather the manner that art is approached – that it’s documentation of a living entity that inspires awe in the viewer, as opposed to being benign and flat. Blood reflects this while I paint as the cells themselves are living but begin to slowly die, darken in pigment and ultimately crystallize into the final vision.

Exploring the inversion of classical themes also carries with it a powerful statement. I decided to “brand” my work as degenerate, not as a gimmick or triviality, but rather as an homage to those artists which have inspired me to create. Artists such as Otto Dix, George Grosz, Hans Bellmer, Salvador Dali and others whose are was works were stolen, confiscated and vandalized by the Nazis, to then be mockingly hung for ridicule in “Entartete Kunst”, of “Degenerate Art” museums as a testament of what the Third Reich deemed as inferior and unacceptable forms of expression. Many of such artists had their lives and careers ruined and I believe this acts a microcosm for the manner by which those who are individuals are singled out and persecuted for refusing to live and think in the limited confines which the societies they lived in had dictated to them. Art is a very tangible thing and throughout history has effected change, or conversely incited outrage, on a scale far exceeding religion or politics. Artists, writers and musicians are the ones who truly change the world and make life exciting and worth living. It’s this lineage that I cut myself open to follow in to continue the cycle – approaching in an almost spiritual manner, which classical imagery most often evokes.

- Your work often employs symbology. Is this a facet of the individual visual theme of a piece, or a deeper ongoing message carried through your body of work?

Each piece carries with it many dimensions and facets which can be explored. The use of blood itself is intended to be symbolic likewise even if the subject matter painted isn’t overladen with metaphors or symbolisms.

Blood is the lifeforce of the individual, both literal and allegorical. Though it admittedly has something of a “shock” value to it, my first usage of the medium was quite far from the that as a goal. But art that is powerful in essence is also shocking, in the same sense that the Dadaists and Surrealists were initially viewed as terrorists in the art world as they represented deconstructed conventions of art and the abrasive subconscious brought to the forefront, which was largely untouched upon so overtly until their arrival, with themes of death, sex and the extreme.

Art should be multi-dimensional though and inspire a myriad of interpretations in the viewer as it’s a reflection of the sincerity of the artist creating it to employ symbology, even if it’s self referential.

- Some artists use the medium to look inward and reveal themselves or their aspirations/fears. Others show the world outside them as they see it or wish it to be. What perspective do you most often expose to the viewer in your work and why?

I think each artist can only document and reflect the world in the manner they see and live it, which extends to fears or the idealisms they wish to see manifest. Both are valid and not necessarily separate pursuits but rather that the art is a direct extension of the individual and his experiences within the world – which is why I chose to directly put myself into my art to make this connection more powerful, both to myself as well as the manner it reflected back into the world. Making art a magical act in a sense where it’s imbued with properties which are visible beyond the literal and physical plain as something sacred. The world only exists in each individual’s head so whatever manner it’s made visible is a reflection of the inner self and likewise each piece is an exploration into these inner realms, however benign or cathartic they may be.

- Over the years, how has your study of the occult and esoteric informed the direction of your art?

Studying the occult and esoteric, as well as its practical applications, has led to a deeper understanding and appreciation of exactly what can be achieved through the pursuit of art. Both in terms of imagery and subject matter but also how art itself can be the medium to instigate transformation. That when a concept is painted in a ritualistic manner, even if not done for the sake of achieving a particular gain, each piece documents how the forces & energies that pervade throughout the universe will test the artist’s capabilities to persevere.

In essence, the word ‘occult’ simply means ‘hidden’ or that which is beyond plain sight. Whether they’re intricate symbols or simply knowledge which is held from plain view, the pursuit of the impossible and deeper meanings behind everyday synchronicities and the desire to know everything has been my motivation for most of all I’ve pursued since childhood. This extends to my own art (and the ways that I personally record this) as well as the affinity I’ve had with my heroes such as Marilyn Manson where regardless of what level of comprehension of understanding is held, there are an infinite number dimensions which still remain to be explored and pillaged. Looking at classical imagery and mythology, even the Bible, the manner they’re viewed is that the past was mystical and the gods existed then but not now. The miraculous and beatific visions are no longer possible, and if one claims to have experienced this he’s denigrated as insane. I think that the present is just as mystical as anything which is outlined in ancient texts and that it’s up to the artist to show that the now is the most magical because you’re alive to live it and make it happen for yourself to experience.

- When you’re working on a piece, do you focus on particular words, emotions, or mental images during the process? How do you bridge the gap between physical form with the spiritual/emotional inspirations behind the creative process?

It can vary from piece to piece. I keep lists in sketchbooks of painting concepts I plan to work on in addition to the dozen in my head at any given time. Sometimes this can range from a general  idea or mental visual down to a phrase invented which feels necessary to explore and create the visual to a word that doesn’t yet exist. That is sometimes the title of a piece comes after it’s complete and other times the piece forms after the title is coined beforehand.

One piece which is part of exhibition, ‘God, I Forsake You Because Of Your Silence’, came from a guided meditation session. It was during a period of great uncertainty and personal disarray, after vocalizing everything which was afflicting me at this time there came a point where I was supposed to “listen to the voice of the god within me”. It’s always possible that at the time I may not have been attuned enough to be receptive to an actual response, but the void which I heard instead of an answer to the one time I was humbly beckoning this entity to give me some sort of calm enlivened me to the point of an even more fervent disgust than what I’d been accustomed to. It was from this standpoint which I’d begun this piece, as a visual departure from most all previous in that there was no preconceived vision and rather it was a slow building of these sentiments that flowed into it and formed from the subconscious, and actually began to resemble a particular occult sigil which I was resonating with at the time.

Whenever working devoutly on a piece and when fully immersed within it, particularly when the medium is of such a personal nature, there’s an inherent “channeling” of creative energy that flows through the artist and that when truly inspired (from the root meaning of ‘inspire’ which comes from the spiritual application of being guided by divine forces) that the artist is subconsciously giving existence to the innate qualities within him, that are allowed to take form when they’re acknowledged. It’s why I view art, and he pursuit of it, to be the alchemical path where the artist/magician is changed and transcends through the act of creation – and that if you believe in fate, the existence of “god” or whatever you’d like to reference to the concept as, that each experience is paramount and integral to leading you to the next stage needed to be attained if its part of his true will. Art isn’t simply spiritual because much of the art throughout history has been of religious subject matter, there’s an intrinsic and fourth dimensional link that moves through the artist’s hand when creating, and what he channels of himself into the completed work.

- In general, how do you think the creative process transforms the creator? How has the creative process spurred further growth in your personal life and vice-versa?

My own theory of art is approaching the pursuit as an alchemist would pursue his spiritual journey for his own soul’s advancement, done through the work which he devotes the entirety of his being to. As part of this transformation process, the greatest motivation behind virtually all works of art, music and literature which are considered to be sacred by society today (aside from love and greed) has been catharsis. That is, taking an experience which is tortuous and devastating but instead of allowing it to overcome you, the artist assimilates it and uses it to his advantage by expressing it within his art to subdue the affliction which threatens to destroy him.

Be it from destitution, isolation or emotional abuse and neglect from someone you’re in love with, that infliction will force a schism and ultimatum ; either let it destroy you or else (literally) create your own world using your art. Enduring this forces a change and growth by using the negative energy which has been thrust upon you. It’s a matter of the choice to live and fight which determines whether you allow it to overwhelm you or whether you direct it and use it as a force to create with.

The ability to evolve and undergo transformation or advancement is the only non-physiological attribute which humans possess that differentiates us from the animals. Many choose to throw this advantage away and forsake it. Artists are some of the few people who embrace and pursue this as a virtue rather than an inconvenience.

- Compared with the past, artists today have almost infinite freedom of expression. With no limitations, do you think art, in general, has suffered a lack of subtlety aimed at shock value or has it successfully picked up the challenge to express and evoke the unspoken parts of our nature?

I think the evolution of art has changed drastically by the manner by which artists of today (as in the time period post-Nineteenth Century) are no longer bound by the confines of viewing art as a “trade”. That is, artists are able to create out of their own volition, unhindered by the demands of patron commissions alone, which is why most art up to this point revolved predominantly from the standpoint of religious iconography. As society began to evolve and grant the individual free will we saw surrealism, dada and the most progressive expressions of the creative human mind which have ever been recorded. In this current day and age where the ability for those to create “art” is augmented by technology, as well as the immediate exposure/accolades of online social networking it makes it difficult in one sense to stand apart from one’s peers. But this works as a potent reverse motivation that with the inundation of art and imagery it forces the artist to hone his/her own inner vision in a manner which sets the artist apart from the herd. I don’t believe that subtly is a detriment but rather if the vision behind it can speak for itself as a timeless example of personal expression of the individual. If those who choose to create imagery which is appealing to solely their friends of social demographic it inherently limits the capabilities of the imagination to be liberation to create something that no one has ever seen before – rather than an inundation of extreme imagery which only desensitizes the viewers and makes the extremity meaningless in this pursuit.

- Speaking of the unspoken, what shocks you?

Because of the potency and meaning behind it, if the usage of blood as a medium shocks then it does accomplish a certain purpose by the nature of what it represents as well as to differentiate by context of the majority of benign “art”.  A favorite quote of mine in this regard comes from Marilyn Manson in that, “you have to be provocative to even be an artist [otherwise] what’s the point? If you don’t get someone’s attention you’re not doing anything that’s interesting.” Shock and disgust are very conducive methods to garner a reaction and incite the viewer into paying attention, which is important as art which isn’t seen can’t effect any change. However without anything beneath the surface there’s equally no point as without vision and inspiration it isn’t “art” to begin with. A crime scene or sex act isn’t “found art” ; it is simply what it is. If art truly has a vision with power and efficacy behind its creation, this can be shocking in itself and move the viewer. Most of those artists whom I admire didn’t create  incendiary works for the sake of being shocking but rather when art is progressive and truly making a bold statement which doesn’t fit within the limitations of the viewer’s acceptance then it’s a work which is shocking by virtue of how unique its vision and execution is.

Following, again, in the standpoint of an alchemical approach to art and creation, putting all of oneself into a piece of art has the power to effect not only the creator but also those who view it, particularly if they happen to be receptive to it. I’ve always considered my works to be like children to me, and just as one raises a literal physical child and endows it with knowledge and experience and sets it out unto the world as its own independent entity, a work of art is similar in that it embodies all the residual energy, pain and inspiration that an artist endows it with throughout the creation process. Similarly to the way a powerful song or movie and be “felt” and drive one to anguish, ecstasy or tears. Blood for me has always been the most potent method to charge a piece with this residual emotion and the way that it effects the viewer has the ability to find those who are able to resonate on the same level as you. Again, unleashing a work of art into the world like a child and seeing who that child befriends and comes home with to play. It’s this approach that I’ve met everyone in my life today whom I love and am friends with and who have taken me to where I’ve needed to go. The fact of the medium being blood has the ability to amplify the reaction within the viewer. As can be expected, I’ve had those who have taken the use of blood to enhance their resonance to a piece and likewise those who have admired a piece up until the point of learning the medium involved. Either way it’s a powerful reaction which is most important above all.

- If there is one piece of work, already existing or not, you’d like to be remembered for, what would it be?

Overall, I would like to be remembered as an artist, not unlike those I admire and revere, who created with outright fearlessness of being misunderstood or ostracized for what they believe and have the innate desire to create. For taking a symbolic medium (unbeknownst to me at the time that any other artist had employed in their work) and evolving it to a level which those who can see the pain, efficacy or isolation reflected in each work can resonate with. It’s beyond meaningful that I’ve reached a point in my life, pursuit and career that I can consider those who I’m in absolute awe of their talents as actual peers and the surreal feeling that something I create or pursue and can return the favor and reinspire them in a similar manner which they’ve motivated me to never abate from my path.

If I were to pick a literal favorite work of mine as my legacy it would be my portraits of Marilyn Manson and Rudy Coby which are premiered in my exhibition as well as my painting of Maldoror – named for the malign protagonist in the eponymously named book which is considered to be the first ever surrealist novel.

- What new works (and possible surprises) can we expect to see at your solo exhibition?

Aside from the full bar stocked with Jade Absinthe, Evil Wine and Monster Energy Drink, the exhibition will be premiering seven out of the nine brand new works completed since the beginning of 2011 – most of which were produced deliberately for 9.10.11. It’s an art exhibition but it’s much more than simply paintings hung on blank walls.

The show compromises 15 original works as well as several installations throughout the space which are complimental to the works they accompany. Additionally one of my best friends, Anthony Silva, who co-wrote and co-produced Marilyn Manson’s trailer for the film Phantasmagoria, assembled a video montage of original motion and still shots he took of me between New York and LA while I worked – both painting and collecting my medium, which will be on loop throughout the evening. Circa midnight there will be a live blood signing for those who choose to purchase prints exclusively available for the evening. Not as a shock tactic but rather a method of gifting art which is so personal to me to those which it resonates with. And of course, TWIGGY RAMIREZ as DJ for the evening.

- Any other places, beside the sites listed, our readers can see more of your work?

Check out my work, where it’s possible to purchase prints, postcard, posters, and more at TheThirdAngelSounded.com. And also check out my site Nachtkabarett.com which is forthcoming in book form about the occult & esoteric symbolism behind the art of Marilyn Manson, which is also the home of the Official Marilyn Manson messageboard.

- What’s next?

A few prospective shows are lined up but namely for LA fans, keep your schedule cleared for 11.11.11. I can’t give away too many details but it will be an even more exclusive (and theatrical) event & collaboration that should not be missed. The stars are maligned for this one.

- Anything else you’d like to add?

Always a huge Lip Service fan and patron so it’s really an honor to be featured, as well as to be sponsored by. Would be happy to strip down and cut up for the next catalogue shoot any time.

Thanks again to Nick, for taking the time to come out and play with us.

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See you next month with another vice-filled account of the goings-on in the sexy underbelly of LA.

About the author:

Mich Masoch is a writer, photographer, and co-ringleader of the Circus Hooker Smut Regime, an independent production and design studio in Los Angeles. Her works can be viewed at the CHS Regime website or the public blog of her online magazine, Vampyrotic. You can also find her weekly Meatless Monday recipes for reluctant omnivores and dedicated vegetarians and vegans (and, of course, foodporn), here in the LS Webzine.

Get your thinking caps ready and prepare to rake in the cash and prizes!

Bleed for it!

We all want to be lovely people and donate to the Red Cross but, when push comes to shove, your blood (and its plasma and platelets) is a potential source of cash to keep feeding those chronic habits, like eating every day. Virtually every city has research labs, blood banks, and platelet centers, that will offer you regular cash to suck your blood. Sorry California, you’ll have to pass on this one, since it’s not legal to sell blood product there, but other places should be fine.

Your Fertility is (for a change) Your Friend

You know that inconvenient fertility thing? The source of your occasional case of panic attack can be your best friend when you need some cash. Plenty of folks are not so fertile and would love a little bit of what you’ve got … the magical building blocks of babies, your sperm and eggs. This is, of course, much easier for the guys to do, though you ladies stand to yield far more for the longer and more intrusive process of donating eggs.

Like blood banks, sperm banks are a given in virtually any major city, so a ready source of needed cash close by. Guys, you should be young, healthy, and ready to cut out the sex between donations and can expect anywhere from $50 to $200 per squirt. You can generally donate a few times a week and may be expected to commit to up to six months of regular donations.

Donating eggs is, as one would imagine, much more involved than rubbing one out into a cup. Granted, an egg donation can be worth up to $5000 so, if you need a goodly amount of cash, it’s a nice way to get it and also help out an infertile couple in need. The process usually takes about two months and does involve intrusive procedures, so make sure you ask a lot of questions and know what to expect before you commit.

Science!

Oh sure, you think medical experiments and, immediately, the image of a mad scientist type pops up, complete with evil *mwah hah hah* laugh. Okay, some researchers may be a little out there, but I don’t think you need to fear Dr. Moreau or anything so dire. Research needs its guinea pigs (*erm*, I mean “subjects”) and you need cash. What else do you need to know?

If you look on the bulletin boards of virtually any college, you’ll find calls for research subjects for behavioral and clinical studies. This, of course, can get a bit more dicey for your dollars then giving blood or bopping the bishop, but needn’t be anything extreme. Of course, the more involved (read: risky) the thing is, the more you can expect to be paid for participating. Granted, this is your body and mind so, if the pay-day looks too good to be true, it probably is. Research and clinical trials are designed to measure reactions, whether emotional/psychological or physical. In clinical trials, in particular, you’ll be helping discover side-effects (by having them). Is it worth it to you for a few extra bucks? Well, maybe you’ll get the placebo … there’s that hope, right?

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So ends the Big Three of Quick Cash. From here, it’s more about the icing, extra spending cash, freebies, and the like to make life a little more fab. You can amp some of the following up to make more, but then it wouldn’t be “easy” or “quick” cash, would it?

Closets = Cash + Clothes

Your closet is holding, right now, the seeds of your future fabulous wardrobe. Really. I’ll bet there are at least ten to twenty things in your closet you barely wear, may never wear again, which are in practically brand new condition. Maybe you’ve got some vintage Lippy that, after a weight loss, doesn’t have a prayer of fitting again (unless the unthinkable happens). Why not use them to get yourself a hot, new wardrobe?

Get thee to a fashionable vintage shop and haggle until you get a price that satisfies you. If you have more than one shop nearby, use the quotes from one to get a bit more from the other. Work in trade, if they’ll give you more store credit than cash (only if they have groovy gear, of course), or walk away with cash in hand to buy whatever you want.

bonus points: Have parents or grandparents with classic old-school gear boxed up that hasn’t seen the light of day since gawdknowswhen? Offer to “clean out” their closet/attic/storage and return to the shops to haggle over some rare goodies. It’s a win for everyone (especially you and your wardrobe)!

Look, Listen, and Read … then get new ones!

Sick and tired of the same old movies, tunes, and books? Use your old stuff to trade out for new ones. Fortunately, lots of other people probably traded the stuff you like, so you can shop for new/used goodies right in the same place (and save on gas and time, too … yippee!). Or, if you have fellow mediawhore friends, start up a trading circle with them to keep new stuff flowing into and off of everyone’s shelves.

Everything Must GO!

There is one constant in the universe: people love to buy crap. Extending that, people love to buy crap on eBay because they think they’re getting the ever-elusive “deal”. Do you have crap you don’t want or need? Odds are, somebody out there does and will be willing to give you the cash you want for the crap you don’t. Seriously, it doesn’t really matter what it is; people buy the most ridiculous things when they think they’re rare or collectible. Hell, people buy plenty of crap, even when it’s not. You never know, right?

bonus points: See “clean out” suggestion above. Old people have tons of old crap they have no idea what to do with, so why not help them with that. Obviously, proceeds from bigger items and collectibles should be shared but, if the payday is good, it’s a drop in the bucket. Besides, you still have more money than when you started, so it’s all good.

Gimme gimme gimme – The Fine Art of Demanding Crap

If you are familiar with certain quirks of the interwebs, you have probably come across a wishlist or three. If you surf smut, you’ve probably seen more than you’ve had hot meals. Why not make one of your own and give the world the opportunity to generously lay offerings at your feet, as you richly deserve? Make sure you post it from your various social media accounts regularly (but not too much or it looks pathetic). When your b-day is coming up, fill that sucker with stuff you’d never actually have the chutzpah to ask for in person. You never know. Somebody might just get it for you. For free. Go you!

You CAN Actually DO Something, Right?

check local permit regulations or you'll be seeing this guy ... a lot

note: Always make sure to check for any required permits and such in your local area. Many places are chill about street performers while others, like Santa Monica’s 3rd Street Promenade, are pretty gung-ho about busting non-permitted street performances.

Get Crafty

While I would usually be talking about the evil-genius variety of “crafty”, this time I actually mean crafts. Yes, that’s right, arts and crafts. Is there something you make for yourself that everyone always compliments or asks where they can buy one? Why don’t you make that place YOU? There is always a market for clever, useful, well-made crafts and accessories. Little purses, decorated shoes and corsets, jewelry, painted jeans and jackets … the list could go on and on and on and … you get the picture.

Yes, I know, it’s work and stuff. That’s why you stand to make much more than just sitting around doing nothing. The more effort and ingenuity you put into it, the better you can do. That means, the more money you can make for doing something fun and creative. Pretty crafty, no?

Odd Jobs with a Twist

Yes, yes, once again I have the temerity to suggest *gasp* work. But, do read on because, if you do it right, it should be a whole lot of fun, too. And, of course, there’s money! Yeah, thought I’d get you back on that bit.

Lots of people will tell you to try “odd jobs” as a way to make extra cash. But, as we all know, lots of people are already thinking of it from the straight angle, so screw that! Try getting a little out-there, get freaky with it and turn a common chore on its ear in a fun way.

What do you bring to the party that will make that odd job groovier? Are you hot? Take any random odd job (car washing, lawn mowing, housecleaning, etc) and just add the word “bikini”. Add a few hot friends and make it a group effort. Are you part of a theater or performance group? Take babysitting to the next level by grouping up together and keeping the little monsters occupied and entertained with a kid-friendly performance in one larger location. This works great for parents who are part of a regular club, social group, PTO, etc and will have lots of other friends needing their brats – *erm* little darlings – looked after, too. Are you clever? Have other clever friends, too? Offer tutoring with a difference, a more fun way for kids to study by making up cool games and activities to do as a group.

———————–

Well, that’s the lot, at least for now. With a bit of thought and planning, these tips should let you live your fab existence in style, at least for a while. Have fun beating the doom-and-gloom and we’ll see you next month with the usual sin and debauchery.

Michael Vegas and an ex-TV

Do you sometimes really want to smash the living hell out of your computer with a badass 20 lb sledgehammer? Would love to stomp your printer until it’s nothing but chards on the floor? Feel like throwing plates and glass as hard as you can at the wall, just to hear them shatter to bits?

Crash and Jane at Studio Servitù figured as much and devised a delightfully angst-purging night of mass destruction, Je M’en Fous (which I will now assume means “breaking stuff rocks!”).

Being a huge fan of breaking stuff, I was ALL IN, baby! I mean *ahem* it’s always nice to go out and support Lip Service sponsored events, so The Boss and I thought we’d give this whole “breaking things” a try. *haha*

We arrived and were ushered into the huge freight elevator and through the hall toward the signature striped entry of Servitù. Immediately, our ears were greeted with the glorious din of a killer DJ set, accented with the buzz of conversation, punctuated by increasingly rapid smashing and shattering followed by whoops and shouts from the crowd. What a great way to kick off a night out!

It wasn’t long before we were right in the midst of the action. Crash pulled Jimi behind the layers of chicken wire into the smash zone, toward a PC tower all teed up and ready. Now, those of you who know my lovely partner in crime know what a chill, low-key sort of guy he is. Well, ha ha and ha! Not with a big ol’ sledgehammer in his hands, he’s not! With his long hair flying, my otherwise gentle husband laid waste to that damned thing, slamming away and dragging it back into place to beat on it some more.

When he was done, his ear-to-ear grin was all I needed to see. It was time to make some breakables pay!

Waved into the zone, I donned some safety goggles and was given some plates. Fastball pitch, straight at the wall! SMASH! Oh yes! More smash and crash! Glorious! I can tell you, the sound of porcelain hitting brick at high speeds … seriously satisfying! Practically the moment I was done, I wanted MORE!

Everyone, please meet my Inner Berserker.

Chopper Dave and his Thor Hammer

One by one, everyone in the crowd got to take a turn getting their rage on. New faces were steered by friends toward the table of breakables, shown the impressive array of bigger, badder targets. They, in turn, brought more friends to the wire.  It became the standard greeting of the night. “Have you broken anything yet? … Oh, it’s soooo goooood!” You could tell, even if you were in the lounge area or bar, who had just made the most recent smashing noises by the relaxed, blissed-out expression on their face. Some people came in a bit dubious, thinking, “I don’t know. It seems a bit violent.” but, before long, they reappeared with the same post-smashy grin.

My hero of the night had to be Chopper Dave, a fellow photographer and all-around great cat. It was his birthday and he wanted an epic weapon to swing. So, he crafted The Thor Hammer, a solid steel, twenty pound sledgehammer which packed quite a wallop. I know this because I got to wield this badass tool of berserkerdom, hefting it over my head again and again to utterly demolish a temperamental printer.

Take that, paper jam!

Miss Crash + CRASH!

Apparently, I seemed to be having too good of a time to quit yet, so Crash handed me a PC laptop, informing me and the crowd that the provider had (and I paraphrase) “a shitload of porn in there and wants the whole machine utterly destroyed.” Starting with the beast called Thor, I made short work of the bulk of it. But, there was detailed demolition called for here. I was doing a solid, right? Had to be thorough. *heh heh* So I was provided with a claw hammer to go batshit on every last bit of the thing.

I guess I really got into the breaking, because I managed to slam the laptop so hard, I also broke the bloody hammer. Umm, oops sorry? *heh heh* That’s right, suckahs, don’t mess with this degenerate camera jockey!

As I mentioned, there were quite a lot of big items one could select, stacked up high against the wall. These were easily the most fun smashing sessions to watch and, by far, the most impressive-sounding. Every time a computer monitor or TV received its first strike, the boom was resounding, almost shaking your insides, the shattering screens bursting like a miniature preview of the fireworks to come later in the weekend. Superb!

Beside the obvious, the ladies of Servitù added some rather ingenious touches of wit in the targets and arsenal.

My favorite weapon? Easy. It would have to be the guitar Jane used to massacre a TV that needed killin’. Hell yes! If Elvis didn’t have that gun, that’s how he’d have done it. “Uh, Red? Man, gimme that guitar. Thank you very much!” Check out some video of the lovely Ms Jane getting down with her bad self!

Favorite beat-down of the night? Eat this, Easy-Bake Oven! That’s what you get for making shitty cakes that taste like paste!

Miss Crash with soon-to-be-ex plates

All in all, it was a crazy, fun night beating the hell out of pesky bits of technology, along with some of our favorite freaks of the LA underground. I hope they have another one really soon because our TV decided to stop working and, damnit, I’m pretty pissed off to have missed True Blood. I think it needs a dose of Thor Hammer, don’t you?

Thank you to Jane and Crash of Studio Servitù for being such remarkable hosts (as always). Thanks, too, to Michael Vegas for providing great photos (to see all Michael’s photos from Je M’en Fous, check out his FB albums here and here).

And, of course, thank you Lip Service for sponsoring such a fun and unique event.

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Hold onto your panties and ask yourself, “Who’s your Smoov Daddy?”

10 Elvis Presley “Treat Me Nice”

You knew Elvis was going to have to make an appearance in here somewhere. I just thought it best to remove the anticipation and kick off with the the Daddy-est Elvis song ever conceived. Elvis, you see, already owns you sexually and he knows it. He doesn’t have to do all that mooning, sappy romantic crap, because you’re coming a-running anyway, aren’t you? Come on … this is hot, young Elvis we’re talking about here. Being willing is just not going to be enough; he’s got to cut down the mobs begging to bang him somehow. You had best dote on the man or, as he is happy to tell you, he’ll “walk right out on you.”

9 Nine Inch Nails “Closer”

Sometimes a Smoov Daddy comes in the form of an angry, short, perverted guy and, in this case, that guy is Trent Reznor. He’s not satisfied with your usual sort of sexy come-on, no not Trent. As you might expect, he takes it to a kinda weird, dark, creepy place. Stunning, right? But here’s the thing, when he starts off with wanting to “violate you” and “desecrate you”, then sings he wants to “Fuck you like an animal”, you know those panties don’t have long in their current upright and locked position.

8 Bruce Springsteen “I’m on Fire”

“Hey, little girl, is your daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone? I’ve got a bad desire.” I don’t care who you are or what sort of music you fancy, if you hear the opening to this song and your girl-type naughty bits don’t twinge at least a little, you are probably borg. Bruce may be singing like the man on the outside, but we know that’s all just bullshit, don’t we? Who’s your Daddy? Bruce is, that’s who. Any man who wakes up in a sweat just from wanting you … he’s going to get in there and, when he does, he’s going to blow your fucking doors (panties) off with the sheer force of his lust. Yum.

7 Van Halen “Ice Cream Man”

Who thinks David Lee Roth is actually singing about frozen dairy treats? Anyone? Anyone? Nah, me neither. Let’s face it, Diamond Dave is one of those guys the term “Golden Rock God” was created to describe. He could sing you the phone book in his smoov, gravelly voice, throw in a few yelps and moans, and we’d all be wet and covered in sweat. So, when Dave wraps his sexy around a proposition? Panties will be dropped! And that’s good because, “Dave’s got something for you …”

6 Boomtown Rats “Skin on Skin”

Maybe some of you are a bit too young to remember the Boomtown Rats’ Bob Geldof before he aged up and became a saint of the world’s hungry masses. Back in the day, Bob (also known as “Modest Bob”) was a bit of a bastard. But he was our sort of bastard, mouthy with a bad attitude a mile long and an endless supply of swagger and bravado. Oh, and he was white-hot sexy, too. You could imagine, with his boundless energy, you’d need a rubber room or bounce house to fuck him. So, hearing this punk rock god singing about the scrape of skin on skin and sweat and *oh my* to that insistent jungle beat … imagine how you’d have to go at it to keep up with the rhythm … yeah, that’s pretty fucking hot.

Sadly, Skin on Skin was not able to embed, so I couldn’t include more than a link. Skin on Skin video Instead, I’ll include a favorite of mine from the Rats with some equally sexy Modest Bob. Enjoy!

5 The Rolling Stones “Under My Thumb”

Who is so hot they can refer to their woman as a “squirming dog”? You got it, Mick fucking Jagger! Watch some video of Mick from back in the day sometime, especially you young whippersnappers. The man may be looking eerily like Don Knotts nowadays but, in his heyday, he was a god of sextastic, androgynous slinky beauty. Still photos just can’t capture the oozing sexy emanating from Mick’s every pore. And, now that “the change has come” and he’s on top? He’s gonna make you bitches work for it! He’s not going to stop there, either; he’s goiing to turn the tables and see how you like the squeeze. You dig it and you know it. Very smoov, Mick.

4 Elvis Costello “I Want You”

Okay, you might not think about this Elvis and get steamy in the drawers, but Elvis Costello is about to change all that. He wants you to know the extent of his deep obsessive (almost stalker-like) longing, the ache he has for you. Now, if it weren’t one of the sexiest, slinkiest (and intelligently poetic) songs ever written and performed in the history of sexy songs? It doesn’t really matter, because it is. It’s a panty-dropping song of the highest magnitude. I challenge anyone to listen and not immediately want to find him (or the closest reasonable facsimile) and get down to it immediately. It takes some deep smoov to turn getting dumped into pure raw sexiness and Elvis most definitely has it. (The video has an extra treat for the guys, with clips of the delicious Rachel Weiss. Rowr!)

3 Billy Idol “Be a Lover”

Okay, you might look at ol’ Billy today and just think, “washed-up geezer with really bad caps” and I can’t blame you. He’s kind of a symbol of the excess of the Reagan 80s and has worked it for all its worth. But, back in the day, Billy Idol was the epitome of fuckable. He was hot, had a low, sexy voice with a body that wouldn’t quit, and represented something irresistibly edgy and dangerous. Delicious! So, when he followed up his first solo hits with a punk-a-billy beat, singing about wanting to spend his time making love to you? Panties were dropped! Lots of them!

Have mercy!

2 AC/DC “You Shook Me All Night Long”

“She told me to come but I was already there … ” Oh YES! By the strictest definition of the list, AC /DC probably shouldn’t be up here. I’ve never listened to You Shook Me All Night Long and wanted to fuck any member of AC/DC (though Led Zeppelin’s “You Shook Me” definitely breeds a need to jump Robert Plant, if that counts for anything). But, this song has so much panty-dropping magic, it causes otherwise perfectly demure women to turn into the most lewd stripper you’ve ever seen, right before your very eyes. There is great power in this song, which should be used wisely and with spotters available for beginners.

1 Def Leppard “Pour Some Sugar on Me”

Dirty girls of the world unite in salute to the greatest panty-dropping song of all time! I think Joe Elliott said it best in an interview with VH1 (which I paraphrase). When asked about what is universally considered the Official Stripper Anthem, he offered, “You got the peaches, I got the cream … we’re not talking about dessert …” This is unmitigated dirtiness organized into stanzas and chorus … a musical celebration of animal fucking … and it is GOOD. Joe and the boys have a sweet tooth … Ladies! To the poles!

All-Time Smoov Daddy Champion: Prince “Sexy Motherfucker”

Prince is a dirty, sexy beast. We know this, but he likes to elaborate further, sharing all the unspeakably filthy things he’d like to do to and with us. Prince is the sort of guy who will get you to wallow all manner of advanced perversion, just because he likes it nasty. He revels in the greasy funk … not sex, but orgiastic carnal writhing that makes you find a new religion in his pants. Because, let’s be honest with ourselves. Prince might be a little, scrawny, awfully feminine looking dude in lacy blouses and heels, but when he whispers in that little moan, “Come here, baby,” we’re there with no panties in sight. He is not only a Sexy Motherfucker, but the smoovest of Smoov Daddies!

Just TRY to play this song and not wiggle around and gyrate like Prince likes … I dare you.

Well, that’s my collection of smoovness to take with you over the Fathers’ Day weekend. Wishing a happy day to all you Dads and especially you Daddies!

Until next month, happy sinning!

But, that’s not what we’re talking about here, my friends. Not by a long-shot.

Mothers are nice and all, but when do we give a day to the unsung not-so-nice? When do we give propers to the Muthas, the exemplars of badassery and overall deadly cool. This week, I’ll rectify this heinous oversight to honor:

My 10 Favorite Movie Muthas! (in no particular order)

John Shaft

From the instant the funktastic Isaac Hayes theme begins, you know you’re dealing with a stone Mutha. John Shaft takes no beef from the Mob, ‘hood gangster Bumpy, even The Man. He’s always got a few fine ladies on the hook, maybe a working girl or two, as well. And, most importantly, if you mess with his shit, he’s going to mess you up.

Can you dig it?

Foxy Brown

When Foxy Brown comes to town, all the brothers gather ’round. She’s a one chick hit squad out to do a job on the mob. Sweet brown sugar with a touch of spice, she’s out to make sure there ain’t no hope for dudes who sell dope. Yes, Foxy is one sexy Mutha with a grudge … and a funktastic 70s wardrobe! All hail the Queen of blaxpoitation badassery, Pam Grier!

El Mariachi

El Mariachi is such a badass Mutha, he doesn’t even need a name. You probably won’t be around long enough to repeat it anyway. With a guitar case chock full of violent death, this romantic crooner turned vigilante is looking to settle the score with Bucho, the crime boss who took his love and his playing hand. I wouldn’t recommend getting in the way. Of course, it certainly doesn’t hurt that in the US remake, the super-cool killing machine was portrayed by (sigh) Antonio Banderas and spent a good, sexy time canoodling with Salma Hayek.

Miho and Gail (Sin City)

What do you get when you mix a mute Japanese assassin with a deadly gift for steel and a dominatrix with an attitude and a big gun? You get two of the most badass enforcers in the world of comic ultra-violence. When you cast Devon Aoki and Rosario Dawson to flesh out the Muthas of Sin City’s Old Town? You have some of the most gloriously sexy comic book badassery ever captured on film. They are vicious, stone cold killers wrapped in a tantalyzing package.

Han Solo and Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford)

Since both parts were packed full of badassery by real-life badass Harrison Ford, I thought it appropriate to bring them all together in one slot.
Han Solo: Han is the epitome of badass Mutha. He’s a space pirate, hangs out in seedy pirate bars like Mos Eisley, a “wretched hive of scum and villainy”. He pals with a wookie, strings along a Princess even when he thinks he’s about to die, and makes good boy Luke flustered with sputtering boyish angst every turn. He’s frozen in carbonite and kicks ass afterward. Oh yes … and he shot first … and he doesn’t give a fuck what you think about it.
Indiana Jones: Kicks the crap out of Nazis, creepy Thugee Indian dudes, random Arab guys, S&M alien fancier Cate Blanchett’s henchmen and soldiers, even survives the wrath of the Lord, nuke testing, and finding out Shia La Beef is his love child (so damned wrong). He also manages to be brilliant, tough, supernaturally sexy, and never without a scathingly witty quip. He is one bad Mutha!

Oh, and he REALLY doesn’t like it when you waste his time with showy sword tricks.

Ellen Ripley

You can’t even think about badassery in space without the image of Ripley in that raggedy tank shirt kicking the shit out of aliens. Ellen Ripley was not only a Mutha, but a mother of sorts, even while she was raining hell down on a giant Mama alien. She held her own against testosterone-charged soldiers, corporation flacks, and creepy androids without losing her unshakable composure or an iota of roaring female power. She is the lioness of the pack and a bad Mutha … kicking ass from inside an exoskeleton killing machine!

Rick Blaine

Rick is by far the most slick, debonaire, and lizard cool cat on this list. This Mutha just doesn’t give a fuck. World War? So what. Corruption? Whatever. Human trafficking? Not his business. After gun-running and who knows what other chicanery, he’s settled into a nice pattern of graft so he won’t be bothered at the Café Americain. He’s got his place and that’s all he needs care about. Nothing gets to this Mutha … all except … Ex showing up with her underground hero husband asking for favors and having your man, Sam, play some of the old songs? Kind of a problem but not one he’ll let you know about. Because he’s too badass to let you see his underbelly. He’s too badass to let the ex, Ingrid Bergman in her prime no less, stick around. Instead, he does the noble thing while still pretending to be an unfeeling dick so she’ll get out safely. That’s just the kind of stand-up guy he is.

Tank Girl

Unlike most of the other Muthas on this list, Tank Girl is anything but cool. Unless, of course you mean cool with picking her nose, farting at you, and maybe getting good and fucked up before she fucks you up. Make no mistake, Tank Girl will fuck you up. Where to start … the chick’s first words were “cauliflower penis” and she just got more outrageous and don’t-give-a-fuck from there. Her boyfriend is a mutant kangaroo, her friends have a jet, sub, and torpedo boat and she’s heavily armed and usually drunk. Even though the movie gathered a pretty badass cast, the feel was fairly lame and pop, but there was enough spark of the original Tank Girl anarchic weirdness to make even the movie TG a badass Mutha.

Tyler Durden

When one gathers together the ultimate list of don’t-give-a-fuck badassery, one name stands like a beacon of hard-core Mutha-dom. For chrissakes, ***********spoiler ahead*********** the dude doesn’t even actually exist, yet fucks up virtually everything in his path anyway. Tyler is a major-league shit-disturber at an epic level. Not content to merely beat the crap out of the lost souls who show up for Fight Club, he turns them into his personal anti-culture prankster army. He splices porn into Disney movies, brings about the wholesale polution of restaurant food, organizes Project Mayhem, blows up the credit card system and still has time to make soap and inspire Marla Singer to proclaim she “hasn’t been fucked like that since grade school”. And he has the most badass wardrobe of any certified Mutha since Shaft.
So what has YOUR insomnia done for you lately?

Mallory Knox

Speaking of bat-shit crazy … It might seem odd to list just one half of the Natural Born Killers, but there is a difference. While Mickey had weird visions of bloody bunnies and the like, Mallory was most likely off kicking the crap out of somebody. Now, unlike many of the badasses on this list, I find nothing positive or admirable about Mallory Knox. Unless, of course, you count her steadfast dedication to good head. Perhaps it is the one bright spot in an otherwise abyss of crazy violence and regrettable fashion choices. I know at least three or four women who count the infamous garage scene among their favorites of all time, for obvious reasons. If you are not familiar with the movie, I’ll sum up. Mallory comes up to a garage and enlists the young man there to give her some head on the hood of a ‘vette. Apparently, he was deserving of something a bit more harsh than “the tap”, because she shoots him in the head. Then, she yells at his corpse with a solid kick after, “That the worst fuckin’ head I ever got in my life! Next time don’t be so fuckin’ eager!” So, okay, some of us have probably thought fondly of that scene at one time or another. Mallory is still utterly despicable, but that can’t take away the fact she’s a stone cold, bat shit crazy, shit-disturbing psychotic … and most definitely a bad Mutha.

Happy Day to all you Muthas!

Studio Servitù in LA Weekly

Let’s face facts. It’s often a pain in the ass to live an independent artists’ existence. Sacrifices, though, usually balance out with the perks, at least enough for otherwise-mainly-rational adults to stay out of the cubicles and keep at it. Sometimes, those perks tilt the scales so much they make even the most arduous sacrifices for the life of a full-time creative degenerate seem minute.

This spring is one of those times.

There is a feeling of renaissance in the air in the Los Angeles creative underbelly, but not your history books’ sort. This is a new breed of artistic expression cast in leather and latex instead of bronze and etched in flesh, not marble. Seething beneath the surface, there has been a growing lust among mainstream artists to explore their deviant sides. While they pined for the darker side, erotic artists touching on the beauty of deviation came to the fore.

Where these two creative communities meet has been an explosion of collaboration between parts of a very diverse underground. Revolutionary ideas are meshing in strange and unexpected ways. Even the recession has pitched in, playing its own strange part in the karmic shift. Just that little stretch of economic panic gave a lot of artists the last excuse they needed to pack in the suits and commute to commit to their craft. It also gave many of us a taste for taking creative risks, as well as an innate sense of camaraderie among artists of all stripes. In the end, we’ve discovered, we’re all one big band of brothers who have survived it together rather than competing creative philosophies or mediums. We found common ground and started exploring it.

Dr. Sketchy's at the original Studio Servitù

For a while, all these factors were growing, multiplying. The only missing link was a place such diverse communities would be attracted to and, thus, be able to come together on a larger scale.

Then, last August Jane Jett and Miss Crash opened Studio Servitù. From the moment they welcomed the first guests to their still-talked-about Grand Opening, Servitù became a major creative hub. Not only was it a go-to location for mainstream and erotic photographers and filmmakers, it was also the site of everything from gallery benefits and fetish events to art mainstays like Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School. One couldn’t go to an event at Servitù without meeting a fascinating range of artists and creative minds and leaving with a head full of fresh ideas.

In no time, the studio was getting press in LA Weekly and major blogs (not to mention a certain alt fashion legend’s webzine *ahem*). The sheer crush of popularity threatened to overcome the (admittedly) small space. The promise of “what could be” compelled the co-owners of Servitù to do something a little crazy. Less than six months after opening the original Studio Servitù, the doors were temporarily closed to build a bigger and better space from scratch. Luckily for everyone in the LA underground, Crash and Jane were game to take on this seemingly Quixotic quest.

Studio Servitù on HuffPost/CNN (and Blacklist) writer La Carmina's blog

Honestly, I am trying rather hard not to lapse into gushingly adoring tones but, in all fairness, I’ve seen the new studio. Every time I’ve walked into it and seen the latest progress in build-out and décor, Shakespearean thoughts of “we lucky few” spring to mind. After all, I am one of the lucky few to be able to call this place a creative laboratory and playground.

As you might (or might not) be wondering by now, there is a method to my madness, a reason this creative degenerate’s fancy turns lightly to thoughts of Servitù and creative collaboration.

The new Studio Servitù hosts its Grand Opening this Saturday night!

Studio Servitù on HuffPost/CNN (and Blacklist) writer La Carmina's blog

It doesn’t take a genius to know this promises to give the artistic underground a goodly rumble, possibly the kickoff of a seismic shift. It also doesn’t take a lot of brain juice to know Jane and Crash will make the first official act of Servitù to dazzle, amuse, and shock us just a little in unexpected and (of course) sexy ways, altering our perception of where the line between mainstream and underground lies, if it exists at all. We kind of like that about them and, apparently, so do a lot of other creative Angelenos.

Including Lip Service, who is an event sponsor (Did you have any doubt? Really?).

I said it the last time and those who may have scoffed or doubted missed one hell of a memorable event. I will merely repeat myself …

This is an invitation you really want to get.

From what I know of the night’s plans, it should be huge … a  thoughtfully naughty amuse bouche, a viewing of the documentary “The New Erotic”, will launch into a full-tilt red carpet party with VJ sets by Ginger Fish, as well as appearances by magician Rudy Coby and emcee The Lizardman. Knowing Crash and Jane, I assume there will be tasty surprises beyond the announced … that’s just how they roll.

Granted, entertainment is the icing … the REAL draw of a night at a Servitù event is the crowd.

Beyond the cream of the creative crop of photographers, filmmakers, artists, and models, there promises to be an even more eclectic crowd on hand at the new studio. Not to mention, some famous faces are expected as well. Plus, there will be coverage from various segments of media. Like the studios, the new Grand Opening is set to a bigger and better scale. If my intuition is any judge, which it usually is, it will be an event you don’t want to miss. To cheezily paraphrase one of my favorite movie quotes, this opening is going to go to eleven.

Just trust me on this one.

We are living in very interesting times, my dear degenerates, and they’re about to get even more so this weekend.

Hope to see you there!

Most of us, at one time or another, have fallen into what could be called The Millennial Vice. We tell ourselves it’s just a harmless diversion but, deep down, know better. Many fight their way out of the fog and funk but others, unfortunate souls, sink deeper into the abyss.

They just can’t seem to put down the damned internet.

For you whippersnappers who don’t know, the internet was not always everywhere. Those of us who remember when there wasn’t an internet can also recall long evenings suffering an uncomfortable office chair for hours, just to surf the web. Mind you, the early internet, for the most part, was pretty lame but we were hooked anyway, tied to our big, bulky desktop computers for our portal to the waiting cyber world.

Perhaps that was a good thing?

Back in the day, the internet world was still a fairly long-form sort of place, with essay-filled blogs, ongoing conversations in discussion boards or chat rooms, because it was stationary. We were very excited to be able to communicate with people all over the world about everything and nothing, spending hours lingering in relaxed enjoyment of whatever struck our fancy. We were at home, comfortable and relaxed, with plenty of time to savor entertainment or conversation.

Since then, virtually everything about the net has changed, most importantly how and when we connect. Unlike the land-line based old internet, we have a Jetsons-worthy array of ways to access the web on the go from practically anywhere. But do we really need to be on the web everywhere?

I submit, despite the mounting evidence most of you will disagree with me, meat-space deserves more respect than we’re giving it.

Whenever you go out in the world you see them, the folks ignoring their surroundings to post or text about … their surroundings. Then you have the people walking or, gawd forbid driving, in front of you with their heads perpetually down in rapt attention of a tiny, little screen and even tinier, little keypad. Let’s not forget about the addicts who you keep catching sneaking downward glances at the Twitter stream, desperate to not miss any 140 character or less bits of connectedness. I won’t even get into the “social media power user” types, it’s just too sad.

The first step to recovery is admitting there’s a problem.

We haven’t been very good about respecting boundaries, allowing internet to creep in where it had never dared before. Now it threatens to overcome meat-space, demolish all boundaries to become ever-present in our lives. Is this all we really want out of social interaction? Do we honestly not mind so much of our three-dimensional world whittled down to a one-dimensional series of status lines?

Damn, I hope not.

I further, humbly, submit our social culture needs an intervention, maybe a little tough love, too. The signs of meat-space on the ropes are everywhere. But, if we hold off the internet’s attack, just for a little while, meat-space can make a complete recovery.

Here is a nine-step method to get the internet monkey off your back:

- To start off, give yourself some unconnected time at home. Your first withdrawl pangs will be easier in a nice, comfortable space, surrounded by people you trust. Don’t fight them, just ride them out. Giving in to the jones can only drag out the process, so stay firm for as long as you can, then try to see if you can make it longer next time. No sense pushing too far and inviting a relapse, right?

- Next, reacquaint yourself with (or, in the case of you young whippersnappers, introduce yourself to) the longer thought process and physicality of writing a letter. Yes, a real letter written by hand on paper, with no keyboard for edits and do-overs. Back before the internet and email, we geezers didn’t have a way to make corrections without crossing things out, so thought out what we wanted to say before writing and took our time, carefully forming words so the recipient could read them. The words and thoughts we chose to express had weight, gravitas, because they took effort to write and send. The communication required time and attention. A letter was (and is) a compliment, a way to say, “You’re important enough to warrant my undivided attention.”  One cannot say the same of an email, no matter how well-written.

- Take it up a notch and invite company over but don’t rely on outside entertainment. Talk, play a game, run amok but don’t fall into checking devices or sitting mute in front of the other glowing box. Take the time to interact and commit to each others’ company. After all, seeking the imaginary (cyber) company of others while already in the company of friends is rude, anyway.

- Once you’ve mastered your domain, take back a little more space for meat-space. Go out into the world and do not check your device, even … dare I say … turn off any notification cues. Just run out to do your errands, pretending the cyber-world can’t come with you out into the meat-space.

- Here’s where it might get dicey for some of you unaccustomed to the wild, unpredictable world of meeting new people without checking out their bios, avatars, and post histories first. Go out into the world and talk to someone, anyone. Strike up a conversation in the long Friday afternoon bank line, enjoy some idle chat with the checker and bagger while they ring you up at the store, don’t ignore the person in the next seat. You’ll know when the time is right. When you’re tuned in to the world around you, those little moments of camaraderie happen fairly often, the times you and a total stranger connect in a common thought or purpose. Instead of letting it pass by with just a knowing glance or nod, say the thing that popped into your head you would have said if a friend was along, and you might be pleasantly surprised how funny and interesting random people can be.

- Start purposefully going to places where devices must be turned off. Certain places are all about complete immersion, so good to begin retraining your mind to engage with meat-space instead of looking for distractions. Take a lazy afternoon to stroll through a museum, get tickets to a show, explore the stacks in the library, whatever will make it easy to forget about that pesky internet monkey on your back.

- Adopt a solo-only internet policy. What I mean is, only do short checks of cyber-space and only when you are on your own. If your dinner companion goes to the bathroom, use those few minutes to check texts and emails, responding only to those which are urgent or time-sensitive. By the time they’ve returned, you should already have your cyber-woobie away and off the table. What this will start to do is demonstrate how ridiculous the idea of missing anything by not being connected is by forcing us to objectively weigh the importance of each communication. Would the random bits cluttering our screens be missed in their absence? Probably not.

- Now you’re feeling secure in the knowledge it’s okay to be unconnected. Urgent, life-changing matters, we’ve confirmed, are not happening on Twitter, unless you are in extremely rare circumstances. Anything important will prompt people to pursue direct contact, so all else can wait until we’re done with whatever we’re doing and have time to check in on the net. Keep expanding the parameters of your unconnected time until you are ready to go for The Big Unplug.

- You knew this day would come, that all the preparation was leading up to this watershed, crossroads sort of moment. It’s time to commit to taking your meat-space back, once and for all.

Take a truly unplugged day. By unplugged, I mean a conscious lack of any outside media … at all. Don’t look at email, twitter, web, even television. Treat texts and phone calls as if each one you give more attention than a cursory peek to decide its importance will cost a fortune (as mobile communication used to in the olden days). Obviously, emergencies can and do happen, which is one of the reasons to carry a mobile phone or device. We just don’t need to let the possibility of them rule our lives.

When The Boss and I go away to visit his parents, their house is, literally, on the side of a mountain surrounded by dense forest. We know, going into the vacation week, that, even if we wanted to keep fully connected to clients and social goings on at home (which we generally don’t anyway), getting and keeping a good signal is difficult at best. Initially, we worried, even though we gave everyone ample warning and preparation for our extended absence from cyber-space. The worries subsided once we discovered that, just by informing of our incommunicado status, people adjusted to not expecting constant contact and were fine with not getting immediate replies.

So, the lesson to be learned, whether we want to hear it or not is: The world will go on just fine without you. While this can be rather disturbing for some to consider, it actually is the best of both worlds. You can choose when you feel like being part of the cyber world without feeling like you can’t leave it behind.

It gives people the opportunity to miss you as well as providing more interesting things to talk about when you do return to the conversation. Folks will be more likely to look forward to your visits, pay closer attention when they happen.

Not a bad prospect, right?

You might even find you … *gasp* … like meat-space without the internet sticking its nose in.

Then, my fine degenerates, is when you know you’ve successfully escaped the clutches of The Millennial Vice.

———————————————————

About Mich:

Mich Masoch is a lifelong hedonist, degenerate, and card-carrying pervert with a camera.  She is also a co-Ringleader of the Circus Hooker Smut Regime design and production studio and creator of Vampyrotic, a web magazine of quality vampire erotica, and other tastefully naughty websites.

Oh yes, the VD is in the air!

During my time here at the LS ‘zine, I’ve already shared my thoughts about this lame excuse of a holiday. I’ve also discussed the much groovier, freakier and sexier precurser holiday, Lupercalia. This year, I thought I’d try something a little different. This Valentine’s Day, I will endeavor to make my peace with VD. In that spirit, I will try to help in the process of making it a holiday everyone can enjoy.

Let’s be honest with ourselves, Valentine’s Day can be a great thing, a magical day filled with romance and giving to our partners. Now, I may be painting with a broad brush, but it seems where the holiday runs off the rails and heads straight to Crazytown is in the realm of man/woman relationships, where the visible elements of power struggle are played out to sad effect. It is as close to one gets to a fact of life, men with female partners, for the most part, get the shaft in the VD festivities. This, my lovely fellow degenerates, is where the help is most desperately needed, so where I will focus.

** Of course, these suggestions can work for any sort of couple. Romantic is romantic, no matter what.**

Ladies, this will mean giving up some ground, as well as some of the usual VD swag. It will also mean opening your mind to accept alternative forms of romance, the sort which are less about stuff and more about appreciating our partners. We’ve not been great at that kind, so there’s a lot of suggestions cast in your direction. Try not to take it too personally; I mean no harm, merely to save our souls from the evil clutches of VD gone awry.

Guys, it may seem at the start I’m letting you off pretty easy; don’t be fooled by the lack of pointed suggestions your way at the start of the list. We’ll be getting to you further down and, I assure you, it will not be as easy as a couple raggedy flowers. In this campaign to take back Valentine’s Day from oppression and stress, we all have some work to do.

If a truly romantic night with a fabulously amorous partner is your goal, isn’t it worth a little compromise?

Of course it is.

Why can’t we somehow mesh what guys would find romantic (or at least hot) and the mushy stuff many of you ladies want? Seriously, it can be done. Here are a few nifty ideas for a VD you both can love!

10 – Gift for HIM, not you

Forget the not-so-subtle hint gifts, ladies. You know the ones I’m talking about, the love coupons, scented oils and bath stuff, the passive-aggressive gifts which are not so much for him as for your fantasy sex life. Instead, why not get him something he really wants, something which will melt his heart knowing you truly “get” him? It may not sound romantic to you, but you may be surprised at the romantic effect of a pair of tickets for him and his bestie for his favorite team, a toy robot, a collectors’ set of the Die Hard movies. Think beyond you to what would make HIM happy and you’ll have a much happier mate far more willing to go the extra mile for the stuff you’re wanting, too.

9 – Skip the restaurant

Dinner out on VD is strictly for suckers. Seriously. Ask anyone who works in the food, restaurant, and service industry. There are few days when one can expect a worse level of quality and service for a greater level of stress and cost. Restaurants are slammed on Valentine’s Day, packed full of herds of misguided folks feeling they must spend a bunch of money on a meal to be romantic. Take care of both of your needs by just staying home!

You heard me … just stay home!

For a fraction of the cost of a VD restaurant night out, you can assemble a rather luxe night without the crowds and stress. Even if you can’t cook, how romantic is it to have a just-the-two-of-us picnic on your living room floor? Very romantic, I can say from experience. It doesn’t even have to be fancy, just what you both like and can enjoy together. He’ll appreciate the consideration of not draining his budget and you’ll have him all to yourself. It’s a win-win!

8 – Romantic is in the eye of the beholder

Now that you have a night in on your own, don’t try to over-reach into forced romance territory. Maybe his idea of the perfect mid-evening is hanging out with you and a big bowl of popcorn while you watch The Dark Knight or Monty Python or some wrestling … whatever. Maybe he’d love to play some World of Warcraft and beat the crap out of some monsters together. It’s a great opportunity to show how much you appreciate him and what he likes, as well.

Romantic, after all, is in the eye of the beholder. We womenfolk should at least try to understand their version, too.

7 – Gifting role-reversal

I may get a bunch of rotten cyber-tomatoes thrown at me for this one, but here’s an idea … Give him his VD card early and include a message in it (no florid poetry needed) which tells him the only gift you want for VD is his smile. If you are truly romantic, this should be more than enough of a present. How much more happy will that smile be, knowing you want nothing but him. If you want to take it up a notch (and go where many men do each year) get him something really thoughtful anyway (and make sure to mind tip #10). He will feel appreciated and just a little spoiled, which cannot be a bad thing.

6 – The gift of Me-time

Here’s another before-VD idea, but not necessarily for you if you really don’t want to give up the VD tradition of women’s rule. Inform him right about now, so he has time to plan if needed, your gift to him is to have Valentine’s Day (and night) to do whatever he wants. If he wants to go for a day of golfing with his boys, then come home late for some X-rated fun with you, that’s exactly what he’ll have. I know, it feels like not a romantic night for you at first blush but, if you’re thinking that, you would be mistaken. He’ll be the envy of all his friends and feel like the Luckiest Guy in the World. You’re the one who gave that to him; you will reap the deliriously-happy-man rewards.

5 – The gift of yes

Perhaps you want for him to want to be home all night, showering you with affection? It’s certainly a noble thought. Instead of trying to do the usual romantic song and dance with the rose petals, candles, and such, let him name his romantic night. Are you ready to give him a night where “No” is not on the table (within reason, of course)?  Where you serve him his favorite foods, dress (or undress) as he requests, entertain and amuse him in whatever way he desires? I’ve always been pleasantly surprised at just how open and ravenously amorous men can be when they don’t have the threat of judgement or refusal to hamper them in requesting what they want. Sometimes (read: often) we can actually better get what we want (a romantic and sexy mate to ravage us in a romance novel sort of way) by not insisting on the path we think will get us there.

4 – It IS the thought that counts, so think instead of spend

Guys, I’ve been pretty lenient on you so far. Obviously, you’ve had a lot of weight to carry for a lot of VDs past. But, this year, I’m going to challenge you to throw off that weight in favor of a bit of mental exercise. Sure, it’s easy to just do the common knee-jerk thing and book a table at an over-priced restaurant or grab a bunch of flowers … you know, the stuff which empties your wallet but costs no strain on your brain.

Not this year!

You know you’re slacking in the good-guy department when you trade money for romanticism. If you’re not the stereotypical caricature of a dude, the guy who smiles and nods instead of actually listening to his woman, you already know what you should do. As I’ve advised the ladies, you gentlemen need to step up your game. Don’t just settle for some lame VD crap, think about the things she loves, the stuff which makes her feel all ooey-gooey inside. Even if it’s a silly 99 cent wind-up toy and some of her favorite kinds cupcakes (ideally, that you made for her), if it’s her thing, she’ll love the thought you put into finding her the right thing rather than just doing the guilt-flowers thing.

3 – Write it down

One of the most unfortunate occurances on VD is the attempts at wordsmithing or, even worse, poetry by folks without a gift for prose. It can and should be much easier to express our feelings for the one we love. Instead of trying to be all florid and Shakespearean, why not just write something simple, straightfoward and from the heart? It doesn’t have to be Hallmark-worthy; actually, the less greeting card the better.

Try a little something daring this year, put your heart and feelings out there without the verbose flourishes. Sit down with any old piece of paper and a pen. Yes, I said a pen. There is a reason for this, my aspiring bards. I recommend sitting with that piece of paper and spend just a moment thinking about the most fond memory you have of your lover. Don’t take too much time or you will most likely overthink it. As soon as you have that memory fresh in your mind, before you have a chance to craft some wordsmithery around it, just write down how you feel and how that moment shaped how much you love your significant other. Don’t go back and read anything, just let the words run out of you as they will; in this case, I think a few typos will be forgiven. Once you’re done, fold over the paper, again, without reading it over or trying to edit your thoughts, and seal it up. When you’re celebrating VD, give it to your love and explain what you did and how you wanted to share your unfiltered thoughts about how much they mean to you.

Now THAT’s some romantic stuff! If you don’t have an off-the-charts passionate and romantic night, you may be with a member of the Borg, just sayin’.

2 – Give romance to others

This may sound a little nutty, but hear me out. The true path to a romantic VD may very well be to give the gift of romance to others. What do I mean? Do either of you have parents nearby or maybe older friends who have been together for a long time? You know the folks I mean, one of the couples who has such an ease together, just their very presence together makes everyone feel romantic dreams of soul-mates. Try doing something truly romantic and unselfish by giving them a beautiful Valentine’s Day. Set up a wonderful night for them based on their favorite things. Maybe it’s a romantic dinner you’ve cooked, served, and cleaned up after. Perhaps it’s being chauffered around town for a cocktail tour or an afternoon of getting to enjoy the favorite places they rarely afford themselves the time off to visit. In gifting others with a lovely bit of togetherness, you will be acting as a team for the sake of unselfish love … and that’s pretty damned romantic.

1 – Two VDs … It’s just crazy enough to work!

Once again, you might gasp a gasp of horror at the unseemly suggestion that, perhaps, the key to a successful and happy VD for everyone might be to spend it apart. Gads! Yes, I know, it seems the antithesis of all things traditionally romantic, but it’s just crazy enough to work.

Over the years, I’ve known far too many women than I can count who desperately want for their man to WANT to do the candlelight dinner, dancing, roses, etc VD thing. I have, conversely, known equal numbers of men who just as desperately wish their woman would find a vigorous romp in the sack the height of romanticism. More often than not, the twain shall never meet.

Why not team up for the best VD for everyone involved? If the ladies want a refined, candlelight dinner with a beautiful floral centerpiece, they can go out with their best girls and enjoy a gorgeous evening of sensual eating and drinking over soft lights and romantic music, maybe even go out dancing afterward, strut a little and flirt with handsome strangers (which you guys will, in the spirit of romantic generosity, not give them a hard time about). The guys, on the other hand, can go out and do boy things. They can grab a bite, watch guy flicks, maybe even go to a strip club if they so desire (and we ladies will, in the sense of romantic generosity, not give them a hard time about this). After everyone has had what they consider a great night, each couple can go home with their smiles firmly in place. The ladies are feeling romantic and a little high on giggly girly flirtation, while the guys are feeling bold and turned-on. Everyone’s loaded for bear and ready for some passionate “us” time in the best place possible to enjoy it. By not trying to force our own idea about romance on our partners, going further to trust them for a fun and slightly randy night out on their own, it sets the stage to be even more happy to see each other, which is a sure-fire recipe for a hot night of togetherness of the sweaty abandon sort.

What could be more romantic than that?