Section: The Black List – Columns

We can all get awfully busy between work, chores, having a life, and the mountain of entertainment and social media to pore through every day. Like many things that are good for us, keeping up with what’s going in the news (the real news, not the latest hijinks of whichever celebutante is the hot mess of the moment) is often the first to-do to get put on the back-burner. Consequently, we can miss a lot of important clues about what the future may hold in things that matter, namely, Sex and Drugs and Rock n Roll.

Now that we’re in an election year, the stakes are higher and decisions more critical than ever. You wouldn’t think so in this modern age, but there are looming threats to all three of our favorite sinful pleasures. As the pendulum of debauchery swings decidedly to the conservative right, pick your political poison well but, bear in mind, virtually all of the choices can do the very same thing …

KILL YOUR BUZZ DEAD.

Looking forward, there is hope, but be careful out there, because the land mines are getting harder and harder to spot until they blow up in your face. What are the setbacks we’ve hit and challenges we face for the year ahead? There are a number of probable battlefields in the world of vices; here are but a few.

Rock N Roll

The world of your music probably has the lowest probability of policy shenanigans. But, if you’re one of the “lucky few” to attract the Eye of Sauron RIAA, you should probably just go ahead and consider yourself screwed.

Some of you reading this article grew up in a different time, back in the Vinyl Age, when file sharing amounted to recording from albums or making mix-tapes. Sure, taping music to give to friends was, by letter of the law, still considered the much-dreaded piracy (*arrrr*), but the physical realities (not to mention taping being a time-consuming pain in the ass) limited the reach of illicit copies. Thus, the scope of so-called “damages” was too small for anyone to give a damn about; record companies were too busy screwing their artists to mess with your penny-ante ass.

Not so much anymore, eh?

Digital formats and internet communication have revolutionized music in virtually every way, particularly format. Music, like most media, is no longer limited to an actual physical form, so also unlimited in how and how much it may be shared. Unlike our more *ahem* sage readers, some of you have grown up with a dizzying variety of options to rip and share music. Some have been even more generous with their sharing-is-caring philosophy, going well beyond just sending a few ripped files to friends. Instead, they post music and other media on huge file-sharing sites where anyone and everyone can download and enjoy them.

While this may be groovy as hell for you and the folks getting free tunes, the RIAA is not in the least amused. Looking at it from their perspective, the glut of file-sharing has made it so that most people never need to pay for music (as well as movies, books, etc), if they don’t feel like it. This is, of course, a bad thing for them and anyone else who makes their money from sales of recorded music.

Cue the creative accounting.

To make up for crappy profits, most of which likely stem from media over-saturation and a shitty economy, the folks at the RIAA would rather blame you and your (*arrrr*) piracy and take their pound of flesh from your hide. Here’s where it gets good (for RIAA). Because there’s no concrete means of counting what might have been lost, no determining the damage done to profits (if any) by personal file sharing, they’ll just pull a number out of their ass. It’ll be a really big number, too. And, guess what? They’ll have a cadre of accountants and other random flacks come up with all manner of snazzy, convoluted algorithms to back it up. They’ll also have a seemingly endless supply of lawyers and researchers, who’re going to keep digging and bury you deep enough in lawsuit hell you can never get out.

You, on the other hand, have an excuse that didn’t even work with your mom when you were three. “But, everybody’s doing it!” you exclaim. Meanwhile, back in reality, you lose.

The important thing to keep in mind is, it doesn’t matter whether the RIAA is right or wrong. What matters is how much the people who make laws and enforce them want to kiss RIAA’s ass and, as a result, screw anyone in the recording industry enforcer’s crosshairs. Just ask PhD student Joel Tenenbaum, who was ordered to pay $675,000. (that’s $22,500. per song) to the RIAA or Jammie Thomas-Rasset, who’s been mired in a legal mess since 2007 while various judges decide whether he owes a shitload or fuckton of money to RIAA for sharing 24 songs.

The inconvenient truth is, if you think the internet is a free and open place to share all the stuff you like with friends all over the world, and because downloading and file-sharing sites exist, you have free rein to send, receive, listen, and watch as you see fit, think again. Your favorite hobby (along with many avid music fans on the web) is an invitation to trouble, the big, expensive kind.

What’s the prognosis? It’s not good. Both sides of the political spectrum have proven themselves willing to cowtow to corporate demands time and time again. During an election year, when those big rich-guys-in-suits checks are at their most important to corporate lackeys candidates, you can expect no lobbying group (particularly rich ones like RIAA) to be left behind.

Want to stay under the radar? Don’t get caught with your hand in the online piracy cookie jars. Share the old-timey way, with people you actually know, and avoid the mass-user sites (where the next crop of suckers to get the RIAA bitch slap will surely be found). The shutdowns of some of the biggest file-sharing sites were just the first shots over the bow and there’s a long war ahead. The only way to avoid being a casualty is to avoid the battleground altogether.

Protecting yourself boils down to one simple thing: Don’t steal copyrighted work.

Drugs

Unless you live a straight-edge lifestyle, drug policy is one of the areas of law more likely to bite you in the ass. If, when you pick your poison, the answer is booze and smokes, you’re not likely to come against much trouble* (unless you want to get your party on in any one of the many US “dry” areas where the sale of alcohol is banned or, heaven forbid, buy a bottle between the proscribed “drinking hours” in most others). Of course, now you can get a nasty slap to the wrist for daring to *gasp* light up in verbotten places, but that’s about all.

*Obviously, we’re not talking about dangerous and idiotic behavior like drinking and driving, just the drinking part.

If your mood-enhancement tastes run a bit more eclectic (and not from Big Pharma), you’re mostly out of luck. Drug policy is one of the places politicians and policy-makers across the board like to show their strict, authoritarian sides. For the most part, drug policy amounts to our government telling us we can’t be trusted with what they see as “the strong stuff” (meaning everything but the very, very wealthy and thus influential alcohol, tobacco, and pharmaceutical industries). Big Mommy and Daddy government are pretty sure they know what’s best for you, as well as the very lucrative business interests raking in profits via the farce called The War on Drugs™. Lots and lots of people (and by “people”, I mean wealthy corporations in the policing, drug testing, prisons, and pharmaceutical industries, among others) need drug policy to remain a useless and never-ending battle (since Prohibition) to keep the staggering profits coming in year after year.

The guys who make lots of legal money from drugs being illegal tend to give lots of money in political contributions to keep it that way. That money fuels campaigns. Do the math.

Granted, some of you might live in one of the states which have legalized medical marijuana. Think your 420 is safe? Don’t count on it.

Though 16 states have voted for and approved legal medical marijuana, the Fed (like the honey badger) doesn’t give a shit. The Man™ has kept busy pulling rank, using your tax dollars, law enforcement, and the courts to persecute intimidate prosecute medical marijuana growers and dispensaries, despite the will of the people and state law. So, yes, you can get your green on … for now … if you happen to live in 16 of 50 states and have a doctor’s prescription/recommendation and the dispensaries haven’t been shuttered. The Fed doesn’t seem to be interested in pursuing individual cases, at least not yet. The year’s still young, though, so it’s probably best not to get too cozy with easy MJ, because she could change her tune at any time.

Here are a couple of examples of the Trials of Mary Jane:

Since it’s an election year, we’re being treated to lots of pandering about “getting tough on crime” (which, of course, means going after the low-hanging fruit of easy-to-nab penny-ante drug users). Anything is possible, even from our supposedly “liberal” Obama administration, which has made lots of political hay out of making pot a federal case, literally, by targeting California dispensaries for harassment and closure and raiding and prosecuting Montana growers, distributors, and care-givers.

The only thing you can count on for 2012 is more bullshit and no end to the thriving black market drug trade.

Sex

Last month, we talked a bit about sex and online commerce, the raging campaigns by credit card companies and payment processors (like Paypal) to starve out edgy erotica by refusing to handle the cash trasactions. This is a drop in the bucket compared to what lies ahead for our lust lives, should we choose poorly this year. Think we’re in the modern age with no threat to your sexy fun?

HAHAHAHAAHAHA! Tell that to the major contenders for the GOP ticket and their cohorts, who would have us party like it’s 1859.

We are, most of us, born in the post-feminist era. This means most of the important battles for women’s rights were fought and won long before we were born. We thought the victories would stand forever.

We were dead wrong.

Our freedoms of sexuality and even self-determination are being challenged in ways we never considered possible, at least in an advanced society. But how advanced are we in our thinking, if you include all of us, really? Here’s a clue: We’re so “free” of old-time superstition, the papal encyclical “Humanae Vitae” was read into the official Congressional Record. For those not raised with a whole mess o’ Catholic dogma, this is official church directive on matters of human life, particularly the eggs in your reproductive basket kind. It’s all about relying on The Man (Upstairs)™ for your birth control, timing your (only within a church-sanctioned marriage with the lights out in missionary position) sex around those pesky stretches of fertility. Though the Big Guy is notoriously unreliable with the whole not making you preggers when you don’t want to be thing, Humanae Vitae also reinforces the absolute ban on birth control of any and all kind. It’s puckishly contrary like that.

Listen closely to many of the shining lights of the New Right and you’ll hear the strains of Humanae Vitae, just in the folksy aw-shucks-speak conservatives use with the rubes. If they could make birth control virtually impossible to get, they would. Tres modern, eh?

And that’s not all! Not only will they try to limit your options for birth control, they’ll also make it harder to make your own decision, should you find yourself “in trouble” (which, of course, is far more probable when they take away the fucking birth control). For decades, the joy-killers of the Bible-buffing right have been slowly chipping away at your reproductive rights, state by state. Read it and weep, check out all the ground we’ve lost, in a list of the chips taken out of your reproductive rights and freedoms by state, as compiled by the National Women’s Health Network.

The retrograde right is getting closer to its goal of, once again, forcing women to carry to term as a “consequence”. “Consequence of what?” you might ask. Why, of acknowledging and exercising their sexuality, of course. We can’t have ladies being so damned uppity, don’cha know. Where would it lead? Equality! *pfft*

We may have a wry chuckle at the right’s expense, but it’s gotten bad out there, especially in what we urban dwellers often refer to as “flyover country”, which could also easily be called the front lines in the War on Sex. Particularly troubling are the “personhood” laws which, if you’ve not heard of them, imbue legal personhood upon a fetus at any stage of gestation for a litany of overreaching decisions. These can include charging a woman for not having a life-threatening caesarean section, forcing victims of rape and incest to carry pregnancies to term, and empower both government and medical professionals to seize a woman’s body in various ways as protection for the fetus. (By the way, if you live in AZ, you might be interested to know that your legislature just established that “life” begins TWO WEEKS BEFORE CONCEPTION.) It’s so bad, women have started campaigns to initiate new legislation to reinforce Personhood for women, since it seems a lot of folks need reminding that we are, indeed, people after all (not brood mares).

Think you’re free and clear on this guys? Not so much. Guess who’s likely to wind up next to us when we’re on the hook paying the “consequences” for sex? That’s right, Mister, if you guys think of this shit as “women’s issues” and let we womenfolk stand alone, you and your prolific penises are in for a rather unpleasant surprise.

Oh, here’s what might get you guys’ attention … THEY ALSO WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR PORN.

Will the right ever succeed in stamping out porn? *snort* Of course not. But, they can make it much more difficult to get and create all sorts of restrictions and limitations. They can block swaths of the web or revoke access to domains, they can even start arresting and harassing smut-peddlers in droves like the Good Old Days™. Even if the cases never actually go anywhere (which is virtually always the case), it scares others who have no taste for persecution and show trials. No pornographers equals no smut, so this shit should matter to you, whether you’re a professional pervert or not.

Before we wrap it up (in an appropriately plain brown wrapper), let’s have a moment of respectful thanks for Larry Flynt, the patron saint of porn, who fought all the way to the Supreme Court to prove that smut deserves First Amendment rights, too. Let’s not allow his generous efforts on behalf of our libidos to have been in vain. Free expression is just that, free, and if we don’t pay attention to the one-handed writing on the wall, we’ll find out just how the loss of freedom can look from the business end of repressive policy.

There are unlimited warnings that could be given for the world of sex ahead in policy and governance. For all our preening airs of being so free-thinking and modern, we’re just as much a nation of self-hating perverted puritans as sexy degenerates. There’s been an ongoing battle over what’s proper and acceptable since the dawn of mankind and it’s not about to stop anytime soon.

The best we can do is keep on keeping on and don’t let the bastards get us down. And, of course, watch those fuckers like a hawk, because it’s a dangerous election year for sin of all kinds.

Fly low, avoid the radar, and keep your powder dry.

About Mich

Mich Masoch is a writer, photographer, professional pervert, and co-Ringleader of the Circus Hooker Smut Regime, an independent design, marketing, and content producton studio in Los Angeles, CA. Her photos can be found in the naughtier corners of the interwebs, as well as her erotic fiction stock photo store, EroticaStock.com. Now, you can also buy the first available work in her erotica short-story series through Amazon.com and Smashwords.

Ever feel lost trying to come up with a character for Steampunk? Think of it as filling out an RPG character sheet, sort of a checklist of things you need, and a line to fill in for each spot. For me, creating new characters and personas is quite simple, but some people struggle with it, so without further delay here are some basic steps to creating Steampunk personas!

Inspiration

A good starting point is to look for inspiration, since often the inspiration is what leads a person to start making a character. Look at movies, books, games, plays, history, whatever it is that tickles your fancy. I find inspiration from many things, but this varies person to person. Some of my friends only get ideas when playing games, others from movies, and some just pull things out of the air. Now, if you can design something completely original, by all means do it; starting from scratch gives you all the more power to be creative and have fun with it. If you’re borrowing from the media, do your best to avoid making a copy of the character. Taking something preexisting just to paint it brown and add gears does not make it special … it just makes it brown and lumpy. Remember, your initial inspiration is just meant to start your character, the goal is finding what inspires you to use as a rough template, an outline, not copy and paste.

A few examples that can easily be built upon are:
• a trigger-happy western gunslinger
• a scatterbrained medic with shaky hands
• an old reclusive tinkerer
• an anti-violent pirate

Always keep in mind that you want to borrow from characters, not outright plagiarize them. Look for themes you like or personality traits that appeal to you. Avoid trying to create a character based on another costume you saw, unless you have plans to have it differ enough from the original to not seem like you simply stole someones ideas. This phase is all about finding ideas that are right for you, not showing the world how good you are at tracing other’s creations.

Refining Your Persona

Once you have some inspiration and a good starting point of what you plan on doing with your character, it’s time to start defining and refining your persona. A good place to start is what your character does. Is s/he a tinker? An airship pirate? A romantic charmer? A chef? Deciding your character’s profession will help you determine many more things about them, and allows you to begin plotting costumes and accessories … mmm, delicious, delicious accessories.

After you’ve decided upon a profession of sorts you need to look at your character’s geographical origins, where they’re from, and if the character remains there now or has left. Think also about where your character has gone, as the places you’ve visited can help expand your wardrobe exponentially, as well as your character’s knowledge of various worldly matters. The origin of a character can often be difficult to decide upon and many people choose the easy way, going with European countries or America.

The next big thing to concern yourself with now is the class of your character. Are they wealthy and live their life in a grand palace or mansion? Were they arrested at a young age for stealing a loaf of bread and, ever since their release, lived on the streets committing petty crimes to survive until sneaking aboard an airship that ended up being a pirate vessel? An often-overlooked detail like that can aid you in designing a wonderful character, and your costume should reflect their wealth or lack of it. Grander colors and extravagantly well-tailored outfits were generally not seen on street urchins!

Costuming

Now that you have an idea of your character in mind, it’s time move on to costuming! If you’re a beginner, look at a simple outfit first and aim for pieces that are adaptable to other characters or costumes. For men, pants and undershirts are a good place to start, as they can be used in many different outfits. For women, if you prefer, you may change out the pants for a skirt or stick with pants. A white button-up shirt and a pair of dress slacks can go a long way in a costume if you aren’t handy with a needle.

For women:
Skirts and pants both work but, when it comes to skirts, there are many varieties out there, making it a much more difficult choice. If you know your way around a sewing machine, a fancier white shirt and nice pair of pants can be used as the start of a costume for many different characters. Once you have those down, the next step is even fancier things, such as vests, corsets, and coats! A shirt, skirt, and corset alone make a wonderful costume. Corsets can be very expensive to buy, hard to make, etc., but they’re a wonderful thing to own and look simply smashing when done right.

For men:
If you want a simple outfit, get a decent vest, preferably something with a nice color and lovely pattern, then grab a snazzy bow-tie because a bow-tie just bleeds classiness on everything it touches. To go more advanced than just a vest and bow-tie, add a fancy coat. Coats are absolutely wonderful and, in colder weather, also make your costume a lot warmer for heavily air conditioned indoor events. Hotel hypothermia is a very real and serious condition which involves freezing your ass off from not wearing enough of a costume. Plus, if it’s too warm for a coat, you can simply take it off or leave it at home! Coats have a wide variety of styles available and a near-infinite amount of customization you can do, from linings, buttons, lacing, embroidery – the list goes on and on. A coat should be owned by only one of your characters, though, as a good coat is very unique; it allows your character to stand out, and should be handled with love and care.

One of the final things I look at for the costume itself is what style of hat is fits best. While top hats are fun, they don’t always belong. Bowlers, fedoras, various caps, and a wide variety of other hats work well for Steampunk, depending on your character.

Remember, colors are good! Just because you like to wear black to feel emotional or think brown is the only legitimate Steampunk color, ignore those feelings, embrace color, and find colorful fabrics and hats. Look for festive brocades and stripes, things with patterns, and use them. The more styles and colors of fabrics you can work into an outfit, the more you’ll stand out. Everything doesn’t need to match, so take your time finding lovely materials and have fun choosing which to use in designing your outfits.

Props, gadgets, shiny shiny shiny!

My favorite part of creating new characters or designing outfits for ones I already have is deciding what props would go with it, and what props I need to make. My main advice is to remember that you have to wear it or carry it. If you’re going to be uncomfortable after walking around with it for an hour, don’t bother with it. You also have to be respectful of people around you; for example, do not make a set of wings with a huge span or you’ll start thwacking people as you pass by, which leads to irritating people rather quickly.

Some quick things to think about when deciding on props:
Does your character need tools? Do they need a weapon? Armor? Trinkets, gadgets, tokens, supplies? What would your character walk around with? Start by making a list, which is the simplest way to stay organized. Once you have your list done, think of what will be practical to make and/or buy, what’s within your budget and skill-set, and get to work!

Things people often overlook are bags, pouches, briefcases, and other things to store and carry all of your shiny things with you. Not only can they wonderfully accent an outfit but, if you’re at a convention, you can stash the things you buy in them!

When making props, salvage and scrap parts from old things you find; it’s often cheaper and cooler-looking than buying stuff from large chain craft stores. Dismantle old devices from yard sales, auctions, and antique shops, saving every part because you never know what you can use later. Try to avoid plastic and other modern-looking materials and, if you can’t, a quick way to disguise them is with paint. Do your best to have as little obvious plastic showing as possible, since metal and wood look so much more beautiful and appropriate to the era.

Think ahead when making props about how you’re going to carry or wear them. If you have a gun, will it be holstered? Will you have to carry it? For odds and ends, will they all be stashed in a bag so nobody sees them, will you tie them onto a belt, or will you be stuck holding everything? Props that nobody sees do not make you any snazzier, so keep that in mind. Another thing to contemplate is making props that are interactive or have moving parts. The more interactive your costume is, the more people will want to see it and ask you about it. Also keep in mind that a poorly-built prop leads to a higher chance of it breaking. You might clip people passing by and things get dropped, bumped into, and knocked off tables, so build props that are durable and meant to last and don’t just cheaply glue gears onto a nerf gun!

Feeling lost still?

For those of you who still don’t know where to begin, think of it as a role-playing game and you’re filling out a character sheet. Start jotting down everything you need to know about your character and, when you have ideas, fill it in. If you get stuck at any point, walk away and come back to it a day or two later. In the downtime you might get some wonderful inspiration and come up with a truly genius, unique idea! So go forth, show your creative talents and make me proud!

Join Captain Theo at the World Steam Expo!

Everyone interested in Steampunk, be reminded the World Steam Expo is creeping up fast! May 25th-28th 2012, in Dearborn, Michigan! With guests including the legendary Steampunk band Abney Park! Full details can be found on their website WorldSteamExpo.com. People from all over are welcome. Book your flights and hotel rooms now, and order your badges to enter! The World Steam Expo is on its third year and it’s an amazing convention to attend, non-stop fun for the whole weekend!

I will be attending the Expo myself, so keep an eye out for a crazed man. If you are at the Expo and would like to be interviewed for an upcoming article on the event, let me know so I can locate you there and follow through with a proper interrogation.

Contact Captain Theo re: World Steam Expo

One of the most common questions – comments I receive on my blog or via email is this:

It’s all well and good for you, Steff, having such a thriving local scene and international bands in your city all the time. But I live in Atlantis/Timbuktu/The Arse End of Nowhere, and there is NO metal scene here. I am one of, like, three metalheads, and the other two are complete knobs. How do I get involved in the local scene?

The truth is, I used to think exactly the same thing about the metal scene in New Zealand – that it was non-existent and insular and unwelcoming and not nearly as good as Germany or the US or London or practically anywhere else.

While the local music scene definitely ebbs and flows in terms of quality bands, frequency of gigs and enthusiasm of the audience, you will find a thriving, passionate underground metal scene wherever you are in the world – sometimes, it’s just so far underground you need to dig a giant hole to uncover it.

So if you’re sitting at home thinking there’s no local scene for you, read on for my tips on finding and supporting local music.

Find Metalheads Online:

You don’t have to interact with them – metalheads in online discussion forums and Facebook convos tend to devolve into “my genre is better than your genre” penis measuring events – but if you find the places where local metalheads hang out online, you can start to get a feeling for your local scene. Most cities or countries will have an online forum, a Facebook page, or even a twitter feed advertising local gigs and helping bands

Listen to Local Metal Radio

One of the best ways to discover new local metal bands without the hassle and expense of going to gigs is to simply tune in to local metal radio shows. Most college and independent radio stations will run some kind of late-night weekly metal show, where a couple of DJs who get paid in free CDs come along to the studio to bang their heads for a couple of hours. Local metal shows will have a high portion of local content, and will also have gig listings and notices about specific events.

Attend Gigs

One too many “10 bands for 10 bucks” shows where you sit through ten sets of the same Pantera-cover material can put you off local shows, but they’re one of the best ways to get to know local acts and local metalheads.

Ask friends or people you talk to online for recommendations of local acts who play in a genre you enjoy – statistically speaking, there’s bound to be at least one band playing in every genre in your area. Once you’ve got a list of recommended bands, go to their websites and check them out – listen to any tracks they’ve got up online, and check to see if they have any shows coming up.

(Don’t be put off if what you hear on their recordings sounds less than stellar. Many bands sound much better live than they do on record, especially if they’ve recorded on a shoestring budget.

Go along to a show and give each band on the bill a fair chance. Between sets, head outside to where everyone is smoking and chat to people – it’s usually the easiest way to meet folk, since you don’t have to shout over the noise. Even if the bands are all shite, making a new friend can turn a boring evening into the best party of the year.

Get Involved with Promotion

If you’re not a musician, there are plenty of things you can do to help support your local scene and help it grow. Underground music cultures thrive because of the dedication and talent of all the individuals who pitch in to help, so if you can design gig posters, do live sound, help drag a drumkit up the venue stairs, or take band photographs, then start volunteering your time to support the music you love. Not only will you gain a new appreciation and insiders look at how your local scene operates, but you’ll be making friends with some wicked metalheads in your area.

Introduce International Friends to Local Bands

Whenever we travel overseas, we like to bring Mp3′s or discs of our favorite local bands for new metal friends to listen to. I also regularly blog about local New Zealand bands to an international audience. I like knowing I’m doing my bit to spread the word about kiwi metal.

Readers, how do you get involved with your local music scene?

Who am I? I’m Steff. Born in New Zealand, raised on a steady diet of metal and out-of-print archaeology books, I’m now a freelance writer, accessible formats producer, and full-time iron maiden.

You can keep up to date with all the metal madness at my Steff Metal blog. I update 4 times a week with reviews, articles, advice and silliness about living the metal lifestyle. And, for alternative biz owners, I run a creative business community for the dark side at Grymm & Epic.

Is there a band or musician you’d love to see Kim cover in Iron Maidens?

 

Here are a few questions first. Do they rock – we mean REALLY rock (rock or metal genre)? And, do they rule? We know all musicians want more exposure, but is your proposed artist up to the calibre of one among only twelve per year? If so, we want to know about them.

 
Tell us about your suggested artist in the form below. Please make sure to include links to their website or videos so we can give them a listen. Yes, you need to give us your name and email, too.
 

Thanks for checking out Iron Maidens and the LS ‘zine!

Festival Kinetik: What to Wear, Who to see, Where to Go

It’s mid-March, which means that Kinetik 5 is only two months away. For those going: have you secured your mode of transportation yet? Gotten passport related affairs in order? Purchased tickets? Found accommodations? If not, it’s time for shit to get real. The closer you get to the date of the festival, the pricier the hotels. Not to mention the plane, train, or bus tickets (assuming you’re not traveling by car). Parking is notorious for being a bitch in Montreal when you’re a non-resident so, for the first time ever, I’ll be journeying by train. Since I’ve done my fair share of long-distance travel by both train and bus, I’m fairly sure that it will suck, but hey, at least I get to go. And I’ll be in good company. So we’ll all be suffering in closely cramped quarters for 14 hours together :)

On your travel day…

 

Since making my inaugural yearly pilgrimage to Montreal for C.O.M.A (the festival from whose ashes Kinetik eventually arose) as well as non-festival related spontaneous Great White North adventures, I’ve had my share of good, not-so-good and “HOLY FUCK THEY’VE DETAINED US FOR THE PAST 2 HOURS, WHAT GIVES?” border crossings. What I’ve learned:

• Be polite (Now is not the time to swing your proverbial “I have a problem with the government/authority figures” dick around). And always remember that fucking around with customs agents is a bad idea. They’re not your 12th grade chemistry teacher you shared inside jokes with. Saying “Yes, officer, I’m only carrying 50 tabs of acid on me” in jest will *still* likely get you a cavity search. So unless you and your crew look forward to being basted like Thanksgiving turkeys, save the gags for the gigs.
• Be succinct with your answers (don’t list every single state/county/couch you’ve previously crashed on when asked for an address).
• Have your hotel reservation (or the location of a friend’s residence if you’re shacking up with a Quebecois comrade) on hand, as “Where do you plan on staying for the duration of your trip?” tends to be one of the most frequently asked questions.
• Don’t try your luck by bringing weed or any other illicit drug across the border. Montreal is the Amsterdam of North America, so sneaking in illegal substances to this particular Canadian metropolis is akin to taking a really asinine risk for the sake of bringing more ice to Antarctica. This also means that you can’t bring prescription drugs that aren’t issued to you. Sure you can pray to every deity conceived by man that you squeak on by and get into the country without incident (because sometimes fortune favors the stupid) OR you can get arrested and waste all that money you already spent on tickets and transport. Your choice.
• Save your clubwear for the club. Alternative attire is more likely to single you out as a potential narcotics smuggler. Sad but true. Not every customs official is guilty of this line of thought, but it is better not to test personal prejudices. And if you have a visible pot leaf tattoo, well, then you did it to yourself buddy.

Bottom Line: Don’t act shady and in the event of getting searched, make sure that you have nothing to hide.

And now a word about booze…

Buying alcohol and cigarettes in Canada will put a significant dent in your party budget, so buying locally or hitting the duty free store before crossing the border for a last minute Jager run is the reasonably priced way to go. You’re already paying for cancer and cirrhosis of the liver, no need to add debilitating poverty into the mix as well. Don’t forget that you’ll need to hoard that cash for food, merch tables and novelty maple leaf-shaped refrigerator magnets to appease the ones you’ve left behind. And so the allotted duty free amount of alcohol and cigarettes per person allowed for visitors who meet the legal drinking age in the province of Quebec (that’s 18 BTW) is as follows:

You may bring in one of

• 1.5 liters of wine, or 1.14 liters (40 ounces) of liquor, or 24 x 355 milliliters (12 ounces) cans or bottles (8.5 liters) of beer or ale.
• 1 carton (200 cigarettes) & 50 cigars.

Anything over that limit is subject to provincial fees and taxes in addition to the duties that apply.

Aside from not wanting to draw the wrong kind of attention to yourself while dealing with border crossings, dressing for comfort is the name of the game while traveling. Truth: To don your best outfits while confined to a car/plane/train/bus for what seems like the duration of a galactic year, is to waste them. Do you really want to wrangle massive suitcases in 7” platforms? Or have strangers play a game of “Let’s Ask the Same 25 Redundant Questions About Your Makeup” on a packed Greyhound while you have no clear escape route from their bullshit? Trust me, you don’t. Keep it low key in a pair of #63-659 Baby Boot- Black Twill Stretch Fukkin Jeans an inoffensive band Baby Tee and no-fuss boots or wedges.Shiny Technocracy cyberwear,black sclera contacts and deadly weapon footwear will have their moment in the sun – at the shows!

Okay…you’re in!

It’s Wednesday night! You’ve managed to arrive at a decent hour, the border was a breeze and all things are right with the world. Now what? Unpack, shower and hit the town. Check out a pre-party (or have your own), sample some poutine, or spend a delightfully tacky evening in one of the city’s many strip joints. Fully immerse yourself in Montreal’s nightlife and get ready to kiss your liver, feet, and often good judgment goodbye. If it doesn’t end with you becoming an extended guest of the Canadian government, you have my blessings to get buckwild.

Note: My festival picks lean toward a heavy power noise and Terror EBM bias. Alas I will NOT be missing the cheesy vampire fun that is Blutengel for the world ;)

Thursday, May 17, 2012 – Phase 1

Who’s playing ? Combichrist, Nachtmahr, Winterkalte, Orphx, E-Craft, ad-ver-sary, Projekt F

Due to my school schedule, I unfortunately will not be able to make an appearance during Phase 1, but if able to attend, I’d definitely catch Winterkalte and Orphx.

Before the shows:

Left a key part of your outfit at home (booo!)? Tax return burning a hole in your pocket?

First things first, a pit stop at Cruella is in order. The shop prides itself on catering to a goth, cyber, psychobilly, burlesque, lolita, deathrock and fetish clientele, so you’ll be hard-pressed NOT to find something you like. Truly Disneyland for any alt style-minded consumer with one of the best Lippy selections I’ve ever seen in a brick and mortar shop. The prices are steep, so even if you opt to leave empty handed, indulging in a little bit of window-shopping fantasies never hurt anyone. Think of it as a fabulous in-the-flesh opportunity to test-drive all those Lippy pieces you’ve been eyeing. If the fit is right, you can always browse around for deals online at a later date.

Location: 63 Mont Royal E

While you’re there…continue going up the hill and dare your friends to race you to the top of Mont Royal. Even if you suffer the devastating loss of being the sore loser who reaches the cross at the summit last, it will feel damn good to stretch your legs after that excruciatingly long drive/flight. This refreshing hike offers postcard-perfect views of downtown Montreal and is worth the perspiration. It’s good to do something nice for your body before putting it through four days of non-stop boozing, late-night poutine excursions and mischief making till dawn.

And then there’s always the fine art of climbing trees in platforms.

Gig Attire: Stand out in a sea of crinoline falls, respirators and fluffy legwarmers in:

• #53-218 Gangsta Pranksta Jacket with Pleated Back in the black/white colorway.
• #53-3-01 Gangsta Pranksta Pencil Skirt in the black/white colorway.
• Fishnet backseam Cuban heel stockings(giving yesterday’s glamour a bit of today’s “anything goes” sexiness).
• Leg-elongating heels.
• 1940’s inspired ‘do.
• False eyelashes and perhaps even a penciled in beauty mark.

Friday, May 18, 2012 – Phase 2

Who’s playing? Panzer AG, Haujobb, Grendel, Klangstabil, Heimataerde, Shiv-R, Hypr!, Cenotype

Catch me at: Haujobb, Grendel (maybe), Panzer AG (I liked the first album, so I’ll give it a shot) and Heimataerde.

Before the shows: Feed your braincells before further annihilating your braincells at:

Biodome de Montreal

It’s a zoo! No…wait…it’s an aquarium! No…it’s a botanical garden. It’s actually all of the above. Walk through a lush, tropical, free-flying bird-filled Amazon jungle, try your hardest to spot a lynx perched atop a rock formation in the Laurentian Forest, observe close to 600 fish swimming around in the St. Lawrence Marine Ecosystem or watch penguins hop around in the Polar World. Personally, I’m partial to the Hyacinth Macaws, the lynx and the penguins.

Remember kids: Don’t fondle the otters

Location: 4777 Avenue Pierre-de Coubertin

Insectarium

If you’re not bugged (just do me a favor and punch me in the arm when you see me for resorting to a pun this bad) by the presence of some of the largest fucking beetles on Earth, you’ll want to pay this museum a visit. Alongside many a ginormous mounted dead bug, feel free to view a live stick insect display area and a glass-walled working honeybee hive. Can’t think of a better place to scratch your entomological itch.

Location: 4581 Sherbrooke Est

Creeped out by crawling, buzzing, biting things (you’re probably not alone)? Stop and smell the flowers at Jardins Botanique instead. This serene oasis amidst a bustling metropolis boasts more than 22,000 different plant species spread out amongst 178 acres of land including but not limited to a toxic plant collection, a Japanese Garden and Pavilion and cacti galore. During my previous visit to the gardens, hail decided to mercilessly pound the city and cut my nature walk short, so I’m plotting a comeback in the very near future.

Note: The Insectarium is included in the admission price of the Jardins Botanique.

Location: 4101 Sherbrooke Est

While you’re there…don’t miss the awesomely retrofuturistic site of the 1976 Olympic games. Take a ride to the top of the Olympic Tower for not-to-be-missed aerial photo ops.

Location: 3200 Rue Viau

Attention all tikiphiles and lovers of kitsch! It is imperative that after a long day of filling your head with culture and history you balance it out by filling your stomach with rum-filled faux Polynesian potions and sub-par Chinese food at Jardin Tiki conveniently located just a few blocks away from the Olympic Stadium. Yes, the fare is of standard Chinese buffet quality (read: not very good) and the service was quite slow the last time I was there, but not a fuck was given that day, since the place has tikis, bamboo and various tropical island-inspired ephemera as far as the eye can see. Come with low expectations of food, high expectations of through the roof tiki! How I wish they sold souvenir thotchke for my collection.

Everything tastes better drank out of a (albeit ceramic in this case) coconut.

Location: 5300 Rue Sherbrooke Est

Gig Attire: Channel your inner extraterrestrial in:

• #38-022 Hybrid Colony Off the Shoulder Dress
• Black sclera or reptilian SFX contact lenses.
• Mirrored silver or metallic green manicure.
• A sleek, straight modern blowout or a dread updo both mesh well with SCI-FI inspired styles.

Saturday, May 19, 2012 – Phase 3

Who’s playing? Hocico, Noisex, C-Lekktor, End.user, FGFC820, Cenobita, Iszoloscope

Catch me at: Hocico, Noisex, C-Lekktor, Iszoloscope and Cenobita (maybe)

Before the shows: Have an architecturally spiritual experience at the Notre-Dame Basilica of Montreal.It won’t absolve you from all those unholy deeds you might have engaged in under the influence of tequila last night, but will yield a slew of photos you can actually show to your relatives when you get back home (“Touring a church? You’re so wholesome. Awww!”). You don’t have to be a believer (Catholicism and I parted ways a long time ago) to enjoy this grandiose structure filled to the brim with intricately carved statues and a most magnificent altar.

Location: 424 rue Saint-Sulpice

Temptation awaits right outside the basilica’s door at Les Glaceurs.The brightly hued pink and green cupcakery houses some of the most sinfully delicious treats this city has to offer.

Location: 453 Rue Saint Sulpice

While you’re there…fall in love with the distinct European charm of Old Montreal, where you can enjoy a quaint stroll by the historic waterfront. Make sure to take an offensive photo in front of the giant, orange molecules in front of the Montreal Science Center. You’ll know ‘em when you see ‘em.

Gig Attire: A night of fast paced Terror EBM and power noise calls for high energy cyberwear:

• #63-661 Technocracy Information Society Crop Jacket in the silver/hot pink colorway.
• Unadorned black spaghetti-strap tank.
• #97-360 Strictly Confidential Zip Front Waist Cincher
• #63-670 Technocracy Think Tank Pants in the silver/hot pink colorway.
• Barbie pink lips.
• The most obnoxiously high platforms you can still manage to dance in without injuring yourself.

Sunday, May 20, 2012 – Phase 4

Who’s playing? Blutengel, [:SITD:], Beborn Beton, S.P.O.C.K, Miss Construction, The Gothsicles, Nitronoise. There will also be a rave on Sunday, May 20th which will require a separate ticket.

Catch me at: [:SITD:] and Blutengel

 

Before the shows:

 

Half a week’s worth of partying catching up to you? Too hungover to drag yourself through more sightseeing? If you haven’t had the chance yet, now is the perfect time to sample nature’s ultimate hangover food: poutine. This Quebecois specialty of French fries, cheese curds and gravy is guaranteed to soothe your battle scarred insides. Liver, you are a champ.

Taking a break from boozin’ and bands at C.O.M.A 4 (2007) with a plate of poutine.

While on the subject of nutritionally void yet delicious things…don’t forget to eat junk food currently available only in Canada, such as onion ring & ketchup Doritos.

Hankering for something slightly more sophisticated than dingy fast food joints and corner stores? With its abundance of gilded Buddha statues and candle-lit atmosphere Red Thai’s ornate interior certainly fits the bill. Not the most economical eatery by a long shot, but if you feel like splurging on pad thai on your last night in town, give it a try.

Location: 3550 Boulevard Saint-Laurent

Gig Attire: Pull out all the gothy stops for the Blutengel show in:

• #25-109 Shadows in Spain Cap Sleeve Top with a black satin bra or cami underneath.
• #63-043 Burning Circus Crop Jacket in the black/tea colorway.
• #63-045 Burning Circus Ruffle Skirt in the black/tea colorway.
• Lacy black tights.
• Black feather fascinator.
• Romantic face framing ringlets or hair backcombed to hell and back.

Congratulations you survived Kinetik 5. Ready to do it all again next year?

<3

Vanity Kills

La Carmina & friends have released our Industrial Goth dance video for Japan! We hope you’ll take a moment to watch it below and on YouTube (a Like/Share is always appreciated). Our team worked hard on this good cause, and we’re grateful for your support.

On the anniversary of the earthquake and tsunami (March 11, 2012), La Carmina, tank9, Mary Nine, and GPKism filmed a dance video — a tribute to Japan’s vibrant underground culture.

All day long in Seattle, we raised awareness and collected donations. Our video captures the immense positivity and energy of youths teaming up for an important cause.

The song, “Iudicium” is kindly provided by GPKism, a Japanese Industrial Goth band that was put on hiatus because of the earthquake. This video participates in the Ridley Scott and Fuij TV “Japan in a Day” project (full details here).

See more photos & read about the project on La Carmina blog. Thanks for your support!

What do you think of the dance video? Watch it NOW.

Back to New York City… The best Gothic / retro fashion is found at Dances of Vice, an event run by my friend Shien Lee. On Valentine’s Day, the theme was “La Vie Parisienne: Bal de la Saint-Valentin.”

The evening featured can-can girls, burlesque, a dancing mime, a live orchestra, and plenty of dark retro clothing from centuries past. More photos here.

What are your favorite Goth haunts in NYC? Seattle? Your own hometown? One day, I’ll visit them all! Stay tuned to La Carmina to see where I’m headed next, on my Global Gothic travels.

 

All of us here at Lip Service have a bit of a soft spot in our hearts for rock musicians. They are, as the expression goes, “the music-makers and the dreamers of dreams.” How drab and colorless would our lives be without the contribution of generations of rockers, who bleed their creative lifesblood on tape and, in the process, make our lives that much richer for it?

 

Sadly, one doesn’t need to look very hard to notice that, when it comes to rockers, all is not equal in the world of music journalism. Far too often women in rock often don’t receive the respect or credibility they deserve in the mainstream press. Frequently, they’re relegated to the status of glorified pin-ups, babes with axes, instead of the talented creators they are. How often is the focus of an article about, say, Metallica or Black Sabbath aimed squarely at their looks or wardrobe? Now, how much more often is Joan Jett’s hotness given as much, if not more, emphasis than her music or creative process?

 

Instead of bemoaning the sexism of the press, we’d rather just do what we think they should.  We’ll give women musicians the mic to talk about their music and craft. Each month (on the 3rd Wednesday), we’ll feature prominent and up-and-coming female musicians in the webzine with Iron Maidens, articles and interviews without the usual side of misogyny.

 

Who better to shine the spoitlight on women in rock than Kim Kelly, a writer, music publicist, and promoter working in the trenches of metal? You might have seen Kim’s monthly columns in Terrorizer (UK), Loud! (Portugal), and Metal Hammer Norway. You may have also read her work in NPR, The Atlantic, Pitchfork, Invisible Oranges, Brooklyn Vegan, Metalsucks, Metal Maniacs, Hails & Horns, and other notable magazines and websites.

More About Kim:

Kim Kelly is a New York-based writer, music publicist, and promoter. Born in the wilds of the South Jersey Pine Barrens, she now splits her time between her just-grimy-enough Brooklyn neighborhood and the open road, either on tour hustling merch for bands like Corrosion of Conformity or traversing the globe on various riff-related adventures. She has written about extreme metal and the culture surrounding it for Terrorizer, NPR, The Atlantic, Pitchfork, Invisible Oranges, Brooklyn Vegan, Metalsucks, Metal Maniacs, Hails & Horns, and many more. She writes monthly columns for Terrorizer (UK), Loud! (Portugal), and Metal Hammer Norway, runs an independent publicity company, Catharsis PR, and promotes killer metal gigs in the NYC area. Read more of her work and follow her exploits on her personal blog, Ravishing Grimness – http://ravishinggrimness.blogspot.com/ – or on Twitter – @grimkim.

 

Q n A

We had a chance to ask Kim a few questions, so you can get to know her better. Here are the highlights of our conversation.

 

Webmistress: It must be asked, so let’s kick off with the must-do, what are your top 10 songs or albums of all time (of any genre)?

Kim Kelly: The first five are easy:

Bathory – Under the Sign of the Black Mark

EyeHateGod – Dopesick

Drudkh – Autumn Aurora

Dissection – The Somberlain

Satanic Warmaster – Carelian Satanis Madness

The next few get a little trickier, but I managed to narrow it down:

Morbid Angel – Altars of Madness

Amebix – Arise!

Warning – Watching From A Distance

Black Sabbath – Masters of Reality

Necros Christos – Black Mass Desecration

On top of that, the entire collected works of Hank Williams, Loretta Lynn, David Allan Coe, and Lynyrd Skynyrd.

WM: What are you listening to now? Who should we be listening to?

KK: My tastes run more towards the old school, but there are a few newer bands that have really been blowing my mind, like Pallbearer, Negative Plane, Dead Congregation, Barghest, Pilgrim, Altar of Plagues, Coffinworm, Weapon, Salo, Grave Miasma, Occultation, Sabbatic Goat…Revenge’s new record is insane, I’m really digging the Obolus EP…there are so many amazing bands out there!

WM: How much do you listen to classics and roots music versus current releases? Which aspects of your favorites are consistent through different eras and which differences do you enjoy most about older and newer music?

KK: Most of my favorite records are at least a decade old, and besides loving the classics like Black Sabbath, Motorhead, Coven, Judas Priest, etc, I’ve also got a massive soft spot for old country and Southern rock records (which is about as rootsy as you can get). Honestly, it all comes down to the riffs!

WM: The advent of the internet has drastically changed the face of the music industry. How do you think the ability for independent distribution and promotion has benefited and/or inhibited artists?

KK: I think it’s hurt the labels and actual business of music tremendously, but in turn released a great deal of power and autonomy into the independent artist’s hands. The rise of affordable home recording and production equipment and proliferation of sites like Bandcamp mean that it’s easier than every to make a record and get it out into a public space. The trick is getting people to listen to it.

No one needs a record deal anymore – they just need the proper tools. Good networking skills, an understanding of social media, some legal know-how, good distribution, a rigorous tour schedule, and, most importantly, a quality product are the biggest necessities. Engaging the services of a smart publicist and savvy booking agent is a far more beneficial move than simply sitting around and hoping that Whatever Records comes knocking, and getting your ass off the couch and into the van is the absolute best thing a young band can do. Tour hard, build your fanbase, make connections with bands and promoters and people along the way. No matter how many Twitter followers you might rack up, they don’t mean a thing when you’re tired and broke in Little Rock, Arkansas, playing to three people and the sound guy. If you want to be heard, bring your music to people who will listen.

It’s nice to come to the gunfight armed with an in-depth understanding of the ins and outs of mechanical royalties or 500,000 Facebook Likes, but as a wise man once sang…

“Mister, can you make folks cry when you play and sing,

Can you pay your dues, can you moan the blues

Can you bend them guitar strings?

Boy, can you make folks feel what you feel inside?

‘Cause if you’re big star bound, let me warn you it’s a long hard ride…”

WM: Your column aspires to be a more in-depth look into the creative spirit of women in rock, without the superficial focus often seen in rock journalism. How much, do you think, does an emphasis on looks and fashion impact the perception of female musicians?

KK: I think it has a terribly detrimental effect upon that perception. There should be no distinction between male and female musicians; gender has no effect on a person’s ability to rip a sweet solo or wail the blues, yet our society is hellbent on keeping those lines drawn. It doesn’t help that the media is obsessed with sexualizing and objectifying female musicians, and that abominations like, for example, Revolver Magazine’s “Hottest Chicks in Metal” issue even exist. An overly strong emphasis on a female musician’s looks or wardrobe takes the focus off of her musical talent and abilities, and reduces her to little more than window dressing. Rockstar Barbie. “Show us yer tits!”

If a woman choses to convey a feminine, sexual image, that is her prerogative, and her right as an artist, just as much as if she choses to eschew that type of image. It is no one else’s right to judge or make assumptions, to label, slander, or sneer at a female musician for choosing to show some cleavage – or to perform in a shaved head and combat boots. Male musicians seem to face much less scrutiny over their wardrobe choices and public image; it barely even enters the discussion. It would be wonderful to see this issue disappear from the conversation altogether. Who cares what you look like naked or who you want to marry, as long as you can shred like a maniac?

WM: Rock is seen as a bastion of testosterone, teeming with aggression, lust, and bravado. Are we not ready, as a society, to allow women a greater level of autonomy or sexual freedom? Do you think this fear is at the root of women’s issues with being recognized fully as artists and creators rather than manufactured images?

KK: That’s an interesting question. In the grander scheme of things, I’d absolutely agree with the statement that our society is just not ready to allow women to express their independence and sexuality at an equal level. Look at the battle over reproductive rights and women’s health that’s currently raging in our country; when the lawmakers and statesmen of your homeland are actively waging a war on women, when public slut-shaming and verbal abuse is taken as just another talk radio segment and a woman’s right to choose is, somehow, a matter of public discourse instead of an unassailable statement of fact, it doesn’t leave much hope for “equality,” does it?

Some people are only comfortable with the Susie Homemaker or Jenna Jameson tropes, and are horrified at any kind of woman who refuses to slip neatly into either role. Well-behaved women rarely make history – especially not rock history! I think that the social pressure to be a “good girl” is often a factor in keeping greater numbers of girls from getting involved in agressive music, but that also makes it all the more commendable and badass when a young woman bucks the trend, picks up a guitar, and starts screaming along to Black Flag or Napalm Death. Women have been throwing the horns, worshipping the devil, causing riots, breaking strings, and screaming for vengeance for decades, and no matter how much certain segments of the population dislike the fact, it’s definitely not going anywhere. If anything, more and more ladies are geting involved! It’s a beautiful thing.

WM:  In your opinion, who have been the biggest trailblazers, and which artists are creating new opportunities now for future female musicians?

KK: Speaking as a metal fan, I cannot lay enough praise upon the altars of Doro Pesch (of Warlock/Doro), Jinx Dawson (Coven), Jo Bench (Bolt Thrower), Girlschool, Runhild Gammelsæter (Thorr’s Hammer), Liz Buckingham (Electric Wizard/13/Sourvein), Chiyo Nukaga (Noothgrush), Hellsukkubus (Antaeus/Hell Militia), Marissa Martinez (Cretin), Jex Thoth, Wendy O Williams, Melissa Jaded Lungs (Adorior), and newer participants like Anahita from Janaza/Seeds of Iblis and Grace Perry (Landmine Marathon). Throw in the ladies of Mythic, Ludicra, Acid King, Antediluvian, Fuck the Facts, Disrupt, Appalachian Terror Unit, Estuary, Anguished, Nuclear Death, Monarch, Mares of Thrace, Agoraphobic Nosebleed, Darkened Nocturn Slaughtercult, Voetsek, Darkestrah, Arkona, Derketa, Funerus, Gallhammer, Flagitious Idiosyncrasy in the Dilapidation..the list goes on and on!

- What, do you think, is the biggest hurdle women in rock face?

KK: All the same hurdles men in rock/metal face, with an added helping of sexism.

WM:  What are you up to, any projects in the works we should know about?

KK: I’m always up to something: currently working on neverending list of writing projects, as well as keeping busy with work and touring, and keeping a nervous eye on my ever-expanding record collection. Plans are tentatively being made to begin my first book. I’m about to head overseas for all of April to cover a few festivals, visit some friends, and drown myself in Irish whiskey, and will surely come back with a story or two to tell!

WM:  Do you have a web page or blog where we can find more of your work online?

KK: Sure: ravishinggrimness.blogspot.com for writing, grimkim.tumblr.com for nonsense, and Twitter @grimkim for a combination of the two!

Iron Maidens – Debuts April 17th

Don’t Miss Kim’s debut feature, Iron Maidens, here in the LS Webzine on April 17th.

Think we should cover your favorite rock or metal artist in a future Iron Maidens feature? Tell Kim about them and she just might.

In recent months, the professional world of sin and debauchery has seen major challenges from its not-so-naughty counterparts in the mainstream. As our culture moves toward a more free-wheeling online Wild West of sex, the aspiring censors of all things fun have lined up to charge in with guns blazing in a misguided attempt to ‘clean up Dodge’ and make all we see ‘safe’ (or at least SFW). On several fronts, creators of erotic works now face the possibility of rather dire consequences in their legal, professional, and economic lives.

 

The situation which has gotten the most attention, at least here in L.A., is the new regulations for porn production jammed through by the City Council.  In sum, the law requires porn productions working under a shooting permit to use condoms during all sex scenes. Since Los Angeles is estimated to host about 90 percent of porn shot in the U.S., how this situation plays out is considered to have significant long-term ramifications for the future of adult entertainment.

 

No matter which side of the condom fence you’re on, the reality is the regulations, as written, are flawed law with even more flawed logic and execution. So, even if you’re all for required condoms on all porn sets, the new requirements do virtually nothing to make that happen. A huge logic gap looms which makes the law all but useless, as well as patently unfair, built into the mechanism that sets the wheels in motion. For the law to apply, a production would need to have filed for a shooting permit.

 

Here are some numbers to put perspective on how ineffectual the basis for the law is … though up to 50,000 dirty movies are made in L.A. and the San Fernando Valley each year, Los Angeles only issues about 200 permits for porn shoots per month, less than 5 percent of production. A lot of porn is shot either in studios, which don’t require permits for shooting, or, in the case of small/indie shoots, can often be done guerilla style. Let’s be realistic, most porn shoots are not major technical and logistical undertakings like a mainstream location set might be. One can generally shoot on the fly in any random house without ever alerting or disrupting the neighbors–and that’s precisely what the law is encouraging to happen even more than it presently does. Large to mid-sized productions can afford to rent studio space and even larger ones can have their own studios, so they skate on the law, too, albeit legally. The permit requirement to trigger the condom law amounts to quite a big loophole for porn to slip through, even under the best circumstances.

 

Ask yourself, if one can either afford a studio or get away with guerilla shooting, why in the name of all that’s dirty would porn producers want to hassle with permits, especially when doing it by-the-book paints a target on their back? The only logical answer is, they don’t and probably won’t.

 

In all honesty, at this point the law is sketchy at best, anyway. As it crawls into its first months of existence, no decisions have been announced regarding what exactly will be required or how it would be enforced. If condoms are required, will dental dams and other barriers be required, too? Will there be substance requirements for the condoms (as some options are not effective in preventing HIV transmission) and, if latex were to be required, wouldn’t that effectively ban all performers with allergies from practicing their profession? Once past these issues, there’s the not-so-small matter of precisely how the law will be enforced and who will pay for that enforcement?

 

Even if all these issues can be sorted, which is a bet with very slim odds, what’s the plan for bringing the rest of the adult industry of Los Angeles in line? Surely, there must be one, if all parties involved are acting in good faith and in line with their public positions. The matter has been presented as a “health and safety” issue, so how can it be perfectly fine for performers working in studios to keep riding bareback? At that stage, would it even matter, since expansion of such regulations would most likely instigate a mass exodus, making the whole thing a moot point? If push indeed comes to shove, why wouldn’t porn simply up and leave L.A., taking their substantial pile of money with them, to a location where it’s easier to do business without undue interference?

 

Reviewing the situation logically, the whole matter seems little more than a massive boondoggle.

 

Obviously, somebody (*cough* L.A. City Council *cough*) leaped before looking, didn’t they? All in all, the way the thing has been shaking out, the law has all the threat of a toothless lap dog yapping at you from behind a screen door. Though it’s one of the more publicized issues, it’s probably the least potentially damaging, regardless of how much porn complains. It’s a slap, to be sure, but a principally symbolic one. The story is worth following, to see how it all ends, but the world of smut doesn’t have too much to worry about for the time being.

 

On the other hand, those who’ve performed in or written adult entertainment have plenty to fear. Just ask former adult performers Tericka Dye (who was in some porn about 15–YES 15!–years ago), Kevin Hogan, Shawn Loftis (who has by time of publishing finally been reinstated–hooray Florida), and an as-yet-to-be-named teacher right here in Southern California. Even with a stage name, former performers have found themselves at the business end of witch hunts and public shaming, not to mention loss of their jobs, when they’ve had the temerity to move on with their lives and choose to give back to their communities through the often-thankless job of teaching. How dare they live and work, like normal people, parading around like they have a right to not face constant ridicule and shunning, right?

 

If you think producing smut with neither name nor face in the public eye is safe, ask erotic romance writer Judy Buranich. Buranich, a high school teacher of almost 25 years in Middleburg Pennsyvania, was threatened with the loss of her job if she continues to write smutty novels (under the pseudonym of Judy Mays). By all reports, Ms. Buranich is an excellent teacher and never let her saucy side-line intrude on her day job, but that’s apparently not enough for the meddling moms of Middleburg. They went on the warpath, even going so far as to allude to accusations of pedophilia … just because the nice middle-aged lady writes some sweat books. Fortunately, Ms. Buranich has a huge base of support, led by former students, so should come out of this ridiculous episode relatively unharmed (and perhaps with a nice mountain of dirty book sales, too). But, we should all be given pause by the implications of this sort of case. Now, even just imagining wild sex can get you fired … if you’re too good at it.

 

Speaking of erotic fiction, the erotica category at your book store has come under a bit of fire, as well. The trouble began with Bookstrand. The smallish independent/traditional publishing platform caught itself in the focus of the Eye of (Sauron? No, but equally vile and heartless.) Paypal. Those who live and work inside the wonderful world of smut are no strangers to the Paypal corporate censorship playbook and their most recent shenanigans follow the usual S.O.P. The payment processing giant swooped in, hurling all manner of threats–mainly that they’ll freeze Bookstrand’s accounts and take their money–if their demands–mainly to remove certain erotica niches from their content–weren’t met, immediately. Bookstrand, wanting to keep their own money, caved to every Paypal demand and, as a result, demanded that their independent authors remove any and all books in the erotica category with the now-taboo subjects.

 

What were they? Most of the no-nos will shock no one, as they’re the usual rogue’s gallery of illegal sex. Bestiality, pedophilia, incest, rape, non-consentual BDSM, blah, blah. The biggest and possibly only surprises were the inclusion of absolutely legal (or at least, in the one case, not actually possible in reality) fetishes: supernatural bestiality (my phrase to describe sex scenes where shape-shifters are getting it on, but not in human form) and pseudo-incest (think Greg and Marcia or, more to the point of the lion’s share of pseudo-incest titles, imagine an all-grown-up Marcia and not-quite-her-Daddy Mike Brady, family in some sense but not actually blood related).

 

Many authors tried to comply, while others let Bookstrand do the work of pulling their titles. Either way, it was a shock to the system and, when push came to shove, it wasn’t over with erotica. Shortly after Bookstrand announced they would be reopening after the purge, they completely eliminated the entire Independent section. Yes, you read that right. Bookstrand followed up the corporate censorship by Paypal by cutting off all indie authors, erotica and mainstream alike.

 

But Paypal wasn’t done yet, not by a long-shot. After their staggering victory against Bookstrand, the official killers of sexy buzz felt their oats and were ready to aim their next campaign at a larger, more visible target.

 

Gathering up all their (unofficial) monopoly juice, the merry band of censors turned toward Smashwords. As a publishing platform that doubles as an e-book distributor to other giants like Barnes & Noble, iBookstore, and Kobo, Mark Coker’s brainchild was a major “get”. Paypal pulled out their usual song and dance and, in the first flush, won as usual. But, there’s a little wrinkle, a fly in the smut purge ointment; Mark Coker, the man behind Smashwords, is an independent author himself and has enlisted a veritable Who’s-Who of free-speech heavy hitters to keep the fight against censorship alive and thriving. He may have had to keep his business fluid, so needed to capitulate in the short-term, but it’s obvious Coker is not taking Paypal’s karmic rape laying down.**
** See note below! **

 

Paypal may have finally pushed the wrong button. If you want smooth obeisance to censorship in any form, the last guys you want involved are writers. They take that sort of shit personally … and very vocally. They may have won the skimishes, but Paypal has inspired a continual stream of eloquent calls to arms … against them. All one needs do is search Paypal + Smashwords to find a virtually endless supply.

 

The war over free expression in commerce is far from over.

 

Bear in mind, the subjects being sliced and diced out of entire swaths of the online publishing universe might not be your cup of tea. In fact, these niches might squick the hell out of everyone reading this article, but that’s kind of the point. It shouldn’t matter. In a free society, it can’t matter. That’s what Smashwords and its founder believe, and rightly so.

 

We don’t need to agree with the material being censored but, if we do indeed put our ‘tolerance’ money where our ‘freedoms’ mouth is, we must agree to let it be published and distributed with the other erotica niches, all the same.

 

** GREAT NEWS! Just after this article was published, Smashwords’ Mark Coker sent an email to their authors to share the exceptional news that THE WRITERS WON! Paypal ceded entirely, prompted by an online media and social network shitstorm of protest against them, and Smashwords’ content guidelines will return to what they were before the whole Paypal debacle. Hence legal acts will no longer be banned from their published content. Congratulations to The Good Guys! **

What’s ahead for always-embattled sin and debauchery? Time can only tell. As we head into this contentious election year, there’s no telling what chicanery the enemies of sexy fun have up their sleeves. We can only man the barricades and prepare for the siege.

 

Keep your powder dry, friends, because it looks like we’re going to need it.

About Mich

Mich Masoch is a writer, photographer, professional pervert, and co-Ringleader of the Circus Hooker Smut Regime, an independent design, marketing, and content producton studio in Los Angeles, CA. Her photos can be found in the naughtier corners of the interwebs, as well as her erotic fiction stock photo store, EroticaStock.com. Now, you can also buy the first available work in her erotica short-story series through Amazon.com and Smashwords.

One of my biggest concerns with Steampunk in its current condition is the lack of the “punk”. Too many people fall into the trap of thinking everything needs to be the same in Steampunk, that following the flock is going to make them cool and hip, while in reality it does quite the opposite. Goggles, brown clothing, top hats, we’ve seen it all before! What makes Steampunk so wonderful and fun is how everyone is different, each person brings new ideas to the table, new gadgets, new characters, and new outfits. Fresh ideas from people new and old to the genre are what keep it going. The more people think Steampunk is “goths who found brown”, the more people start to all wear the same thing and get dull. To keep Steampunk fresh and relevant, we need to keep the punk alive! Stop buying the cheap tacky crap, avoid the costume shop garbage like the festering plague it is, and do something to stay classy and look sexy!

A big issue is how many people instantly think of Steampunk as a bunch of people wearing tail coats and top hats who talk funny. To fight back, we as a community need to break those boundaries! A good start is if you try to do an accent for your character, do it right or drop it, bad accents make you look like a B-List actor, and they do nothing for the people you expose to your horrifying squelching.

For the wardrobe, do some research on Victorian era clothing, different military outfits, and the colors and styles of fabric people used. It is not all brown tail coats and top hats. Mix things up, mismatch colors, wear stripes, have things that completely clash with each other, stand out! Look to cultures other than America and Europe for clothing ideas, expand your horizons, not only will you learn, but you will have a new bad-ass outfit to wear that will stand out and be noticed a lot more.

Remember you can mix and match styles too, if you want a militant look, try to combine a few different uniforms. If you’re going for a gypsy or nomad costume you can easily borrow from anything. Are pirates your thing? They took what they looted, so they have the best excuse of all to mix and match clothing from peasantry to upper-class and military. Also keep in mind the punk side, your clothing doesn’t need to be completely Victorian, but it shouldn’t be black vinyl either. Have things worn out, tattered, distressed, beaten, have your clothing look like an actual person wears them, not just garments that sit in a closet until the next event. Most of all, stay snazzy. Steampunk is an extremely amazing looking aesthetic that anyone can pull off and still be sexy, regardless of the body type. Make it your own, become one with the steam!

Now, people may think “But I spent all of this money on fancy clothing!” or “I can’t sew, how do I get an outfit that is different?” Well, it is easy! Start keeping track of ideas you have for your outfits and writing them down or drawing them out on paper, and hit thrift stores, second-hand shops, Salvation Army stores, Goodwill, yard sales, estate sales, anywhere with cheap old used things. You can assemble an absolutely marvelous, stunning, and snazzy outfit for $30 or less quite easily if you want to invest the time.

Just remember, your outfits do not need to look pristine, if things are a bit dirty or worn out it just adds more character to the look, it shows the clothing was loved and used, not pulled out of a box and worn once a year, and just think, if you can assemble a decent outfit it will work for everyday wear too! Nothing says Steampunk needs to be reserved for conventions and events, it is a lifestyle, and you can treat it as such, even if some people ask questions about what you are wearing, just take a minute of your time to explain it, who knows, you might introduce a new person to the genre and make a new friend.

The finishing touch to any good costume is the accessories, props, and weaponry. The options here are limitless depending on your ability and imagination, but if those are restricted, your budget is the next best option. The Steampunk community is full of amazing artisans and crafters, and many of them sell their fine wares for reasonable prices. Some wonderful places to get ideas for making things are Etsy and instructables. If you are in the market for buying, Etsy has a lot of handmade goods of varying quality, eBay has a bit, and if you are going to a Steampunk convention, odds are it will have a merchant section filled with snazzy wonders, from hats to rayguns, just be prepared to break out the money, as it goes fast. A word of warning on Etsy though, put on your waders before browsing, as many people tag far too many labels onto their “creations” in order to catch more viewers, adding the Steampunk tag to everything they make, no matter how tacky, horrifyingly gaudy, and non-Steampunk it is. You will be wading through a sea of raw sewage that will make you feel sick, but if you can survive the filth, the vermin, and the horrible smells, you will find wonders beyond your wildest imagination from the few good souls on Etsy that truly do put time and quality into their work.

Now, for a few things that you might want to avoid when preparing your Steampunk wardrobe and character:

“Steampunking” a pre-existing character outfit. Now, yes, everyone likes seeing their favorite movie, anime, or game character in real life, but adding gears and attempting to make another character Steampunk is really quite lame. It shows that whoever did it wasn’t creative enough to develop their own character, and it often looks quite tacky. Do you want people to think all you did was slap some gears and brown paint on some cheap Halloween costume store thing and show up? No!

Goggles. Not every character needs goggles! Goggles are cool, and they can really add to an outfit, but they can detract from one just as much if they are poorly made or if they don’t suit the character. Think for a minute before making a pair, or buying those shiny goggles you saw online, would your character need goggles for what they do? If the answer is no, you might want to pass on them for now. My biggest pet peeve on goggles are the generic welding goggles that so many people in the community paint then praise so heavily. They stand out from a mile away and look like complete trash 99% of the time, and they are also the most common. Another thing to keep in mind is Steampunk is NOT Cyberpunk, don’t show up in some black goggles with green toxic symbols with giant metal spikes on the side and glowing lights, you’ll look like a complete bastard.

Just remember, stay strange! Avoid the standard, break the boundaries of the genre, and think with an open mind. Steampunk is about individuality, so be yourself, have fun with it.

 

Many thanks to OldBookIllustrations.com and The Graphics Fairy for collecting and sharing the delightful public domain images shown.

# # # #

What really pisses you off about Steampunk? What needs to go? What should be done? Send your opinions to captaintheo@fortunesember.com and who knows, your complaint might make a future issue of the Captain’s Dispatch.

Find Captain Theo online at Twitter: @thegeo

A recent article on Metalsucks called for the death of mosh pits. Why? From the author, Kevin Stewart-Panko, “… there’s a fine line between the expression of excitement the way excitement used to be expressed and the way mosh pits have become the breeding ground for fucking idiots to put their heads down and charge into one another like big-horned rams. Mosh pits have devolved into nothing more than seething masses of drunken fuckwads blindly running into and/or body/shoulder checking each other completely out of time to any music being played in the building.”

The comments thread of this particular rant demonstrated just how contentious this diatribe is within the metal community. On the one hand, hundreds of readers piped up to echo the statements in the post. “It is strong, powerful and elevating music, but that shouldn’t mean it’s okay to clock one guy in the face, then go to town on the next. Metal isn’t about being a tyrannous bully.” one readers says. But many people expressed a belief that metal is primarily a “youth culture” and that all the people complaining about pits are “oldies” who are simply worried about losing their false teeth. “Stop having fun!” one commenter wrote sarcastically replied. “Musicians want to see people going crazy, not standing with their arms crossed,” said another.

Is metal a youth culture? Is this just old-timers complaining, or should mosh-pits be banned or otherwise controlled?

The truth is that most people discover metal in their youth. It’s strong, independent, powerful music that perfectly articulates the crazy emotions going through your head. Metal gives us an outlet for anger, aggression, rebellion, pain, loss, heartache and loneliness. It also gives us a sense of belonging, because the sense of community within the metal culture is strong, especially in tight-knit local scenes where bands support each other’s shows and fans look out for each other.

Many people discard metal – or it takes a backseat spot in their life – once they pass through the tumultuous teenage years. But those people that stick with it are metal fans for life – and they’re even more dedicated and brutal than the youth fans.

Me, crowd-surfing through a mosh pit at Wacken Open Air 2011.

At 27 years of age, I sit somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. I’ve been going to shows for about ten years, and I’ve been in some good pits, some appalling pits, and some downright terrifying pits. The difference between a good pit and a bad pit isn’t the genre of music or the age of the people involved, it’s whether the crowd is respectful of others and have come to the show to have a good time.

“Pit-Etiquette” is the basis for any good show. Pit-Etiquette is a bit like the Spartan warrior code – you look after your pit-mates. If someone falls over, you help him or her up. If someone is in trouble, you get him or her out. If people are having a good time and headbanging by themselves, you don’t drag them into some circle-pit punch up. You hug your pit buddies after the show. You get bruises, and it’s ok. You don’t take anything in the pit personally.

The pit can be wild, it can be crazy, but it should never be dangerous. It should never be about defending your life or saving your teeth or. In the bad pits I’ve been in I’ve been punched repeatedly in the face, I’ve been trampled. I’ve been shoved into and over speakers. I’ve been deliberately kicked and slammed into. I’ve been groped. I’ve had people drag me unwillingly in from the edges into those flailing, pushing, karate pits that I’m too small to be able to handle.

It’s not related to a specific genre or band. I’ve seen Iron Maiden play in three countries; twice I’ve been to the front. In England it was people jumping up and down, headbanging, having a great time. In New Zealand it was shoving, pulling, fists wailing, and so intense I fell over three times during one song, and no one was paying attention. If my friend Johnowar hadn’t been there, I would’ve been in a lot of trouble. But then, I’ve been in some amazing pits at New Zealand shows.

In a good pit, everyone’s there because they want to see the band, and they respect that fact that the people around them want to see too. In a good pit, everyone moves collectively, jumping, spinning, and seething forward and back or in great circle. People slam their fists in the air, they wrench their necks as their hair flies around, they stomp and shout and put their arms around people they’ve never met before. They move with the music, they become part of it. It’s tribal dancing on the purest level.

From my Corpsepaint Kitty webcomic.

I don’t believe mosh pits should be banned or controlled or any of that. The pit is an important part of the concert experience, whether you’re in the fray or not. I reckon each and every metalhead has a responsibility to make sure their actions at a show don’t detract from other people’s enjoyment. We’ve all come to the show for the same reason – to see a band we’re into, to have a good time, to meet new people, to bang our heads. So let’s practice a little pit etiquette – look out for your fellow metalheads, and don’t punch and kick and be an idiot. It’s pointless and contributes nothing to anyone’s concert experience.

End rant.

Who am I? I’m Steff. Born in New Zealand, raised on a steady diet of metal and out-of-print archaeology books, I’m now a freelance writer, accessible formats producer, and full-time iron maiden.

You can keep up to date with all the metal madness at my Steff Metal blog. I update 4 times a week with reviews, articles, advice and silliness about living the metal lifestyle. And, for alternative biz owners, I run a creative business community for the dark side at Grymm & Epic.