Section: Homepage Feature

La Carmina and Sebastiano Serafini for NoH8 Japan

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Now, back to the regularly-scheduled feature!

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Are you part of a loving, stable, romantic relationship?

Good for you!  I mean that, no snark attached. It’s not easy to find a real partner in life and love. When should you celebrate said love? Whenever the hell you want.

You heard me … whenever. If a universal random day mid-way through February works for your romantic savoir faire, go with it. Any time is a good time for an excuse to show appreciation for the one you love. Why not February 14th? For that matter, why not February 13th, too, and February 15th and, color me crazy, but why not July 28th? You see where I’m going with this.

I’m not really writing this for you people, anyway. You’re, for the most part, covered. No matter which way you go, you’re still treated like a normal person regardless of how you spend your day.

Not so, our not-so-neatly-paired-off brethren.

For you, before we begin our wrap-up of our culture’s insulting treatment of not-paired people (sometimes -lamely- referred to as, I shit you not, “singletons” [Doesn't that sound suspiciously like "simpleton"? Just sayin'.]), I’d like to share a few fun facts I tripped upon online.

Fun Fact: According to the condom company Durex, condom sales are highest around Valentine’s Day which are 20 percent to 30 percent higher than usual.

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Other Fun Fact: More at-home pregnancy tests are sold in March than in any other month.

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What We Should Infer From This: Perhaps Durex might not be the best condom choice?

Let’s just come out and say it, shall we? If you are not part of a “loving” couple during this time of year, our media is apparently convinced you need help, lots and lots of help, dealing with this unbearable lack of pair bond. Mind you, if said media weren’t so busy stuffing VD down our necks, they’d perhaps realize the obvious.

But, when push comes to shove, the hype machine is going to churn out whatever gets the most money out the the most people. It exists to make you feel like the worst, most miserable person in the world because you don’t have a mate, so it can sell you on pampering yourself to feel better about being constantly told you’re the worst, most miserable person in the world because you don’t have a mate. It’s most convenient for the folks at the end of that money train, but awfully crazy-making for the rest of us.

 Are you (pity, pity, scorn) ALONE for Valentine’s Day (pity, pity, scorn)?

First off, the media would like you to know, you’re a SURVIVOR. Seriously, that’s the language they use when writing VD pieces for “singletons”, survival. You’re addressed as if it’s an unendurable trauma to not be paired up for this one day, versus all others.  Of course, we won’t go into WHO is shoving the idea that being on your own for VD is akin to the worst possibe torture and shame again … we know, oh the irony.

Here are a few snippets from some seemingly well-meaning guides to not appearing to be quite so pathetic, “singleton”:

From the school of waaaaahmbulance at  chiff.com “Valentine’s Survival Guide”:

“Think of all the money you’re saving.” + “Get together with people who do love you [read: if you can find one, you loser]” + “Find ways to work on becoming the person your dream partner would fall in love with. Start therapy.” Seriously, they include that in the VD list just like that … start therapy. Nice. Feeling like a Survivor yet?

Or, you can go with an “I don’t want any of that stupid love stuff, anyway.” strategy, according to iVillage UK’s Reasons to Be Single this VD:

“…you don’t have to pretend to like the cheap chocolates, flowers or teddy bear that your other half coughs up.” + “It’s cool to be single.” [Yes, they really pull that out, the cool. Sad, right?] + “You can get up when you want (having spent the whole night asleep because you weren’t lying next to a snorer)…” + “The love you give to and receive from friends will last longer than most romantic love or lust. Arrange a single’s Valentine’s party with a group of single friends, male and female. You can bet that there’ll be at least one new couple by the end of the evening. [because you desperately need that not-quite-so-good-as-friendship love anyway]”

And, just because you’re a supposedly-carefree teen, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about Surviving VD. Just ask GirlsLife:

“Be grateful that it falls on a weekday this year. Seriously, who wants to go out on a school night? Not me.” + [misery loves company] “Spending the day scoffing solo at cartoon cupids and mushy PDA in the hallways won’t make ya happier. Trust me. Find a buddy who feels that same way you do, and giggle together.” + “Instead of thinking of Feb. 14, 2012, as “Valentine’s Day,” think of it as … “the day I made Granny’s cheesecake all by myself” [I could make so many jokes here, the sheer volume of options exploded my brain.].

Don’t get too smug, guys, because according to AskMen, you are not immune:

“Blow off some steam and forget all about the love-and-hearts crap. You also don’t have to worry about any of the holiday talk creeping into the conversation unless it’s: “Man, am I glad I don’t have to waste time on that Valentine’s junk.” [Because, evidently, men magically become petulant 5 year-olds in the absence of VD plans]” + “You don’t even necessarily have to leave the country (though it wouldn’t be a bad idea considering most countries don’t celebrate such a dumb holiday)” + a little slice of quiet desperation “Big. Farking. Deal. …  Just pretend it’s a normal day … and do all the things you’d do on a normal, boring day. It only lasts 24 hours, and you spend the majority of that time in bed or at work. It will all be over soon.”

All in all, only you can decide how and in what state of mind you spend next Tuesday. Hopefully, whatever you choose, it bears no resemblance to what the media shame-and-guilt-and-consumption machine would have you do. Acknowledge or don’t, celebrate or don’t, just make the day a little less about society’s expectations and a LOT more about what makes you happy.

Speaking of which, no matter what your romantic situation, I think everyone can get behind 95-year-old Ernest Borgnine’s favorite way of wiling away the extra hours.  (Thanks to the lovely Aly Sinclair for the link.)

Holy Crap! It’s V-Day, what do I wear…?

Dear V-Day Haters,

I advise you to take your butthurt to Tumblr, where you might find a more sympathetic audience. This Lethal Style is for those who want to be happily inundated with “hearts and flowers bullshit”. Believe it or not, often the best way of detaching yourself from overused tropes is to own them and make them yours. Starting your own traditions (whether it’s baking anything in the shape of an anatomically correct heart or buying hookers on Craigslist for your 45-year old technically-a-virgin buddy) that might not make sense to anyone else, but can actually be 10 times more fun than diamonds, pricey restaurants and other rom-com-approved clichés. And if that’s YOUR THING, don’t let some asshole blogger make you feel bad about it. Single? Who gives a fuck? Last I heard, singles were still allowed to gorge themselves on candy while dancing to “Goodbye Horses” in their underwear and get laid. There’s no rule that you have to be in a 5+ year long-term relationship to have fun. Plus, I already went over how the more you feel sorry for yourself, the less potential mates you’re attracting in lengthy detail.

Truth: The greater the amount of expectation you place on any date (February 14th, Arbor Day, Uncle Bob’s Superbowl Party), the less fun you’re likely to have.

So relax, have some wine and know that even if everything else goes to hell, at least Lippy has your wardrobe covered.

If you’re…

-Stuck at work all night and have to be in uniform…

Sneak in a pair of #99-006 Sock It To Me Dagger Heart Knee High Socks under those regulation khakis. Pretty sure that it’s not a dress code violation at almost any place of employment to party with your socks.

-Catching a metal show at the local dive…

Opt for a lightweight, easily machine washable cotton tee like the #12-061 Fashion Victim Deep V-Neck Wolf Pentagram Print Top that will withstand some asshole spilling beer on you five times throughout the course of a single night.

-Seeing a dude who gets really turned on by robot women (dedicated to my friend Michael)…

Zombies like girls with braaaaaaaaaaaaains, he likes them made of metal. It’s beyond obvious that any old skin-baring dress won’t fit the bill of “the droid he’s looking for”. When he’s more about your inner wiring than the inside of your thigh reach for #56-376 Hyper Intelligence High Neck Collar Dress and watch sparks fly (possibly due to all the metal-on-metal friction).

Bonus points: The pink version fits the holiday color scheme.

-Meeting your date’s parents for the first time…

Upon initially meeting your love interests’ closest living relatives, you’ll likely want to pull the wool over their eyes and trick ‘em into thinking that you’re a good girl…really. Which means it’s probably not a good time to parade around your rack and the naked pinups you have tattooed all over your arms (they’ll find out all about those in due time). Meanwhile play up your stylish yet conservative side in #34-4-01 Blacklist I’m Cold Sweater With Rose Buttons. Since it’s not an ecru-hued twinset, you shouldn’t feel too out of character.

Note: To maintain the “good girl” illusion never, ever add any of his family members on Facebook. You know why…

-Issuing the mating call loud and clear…

Don’t mince words, and say it with your stockings.

#26-9-09 Sex Pattern Pantyhose

-Bonding over animals at the zoo…

#63-014 Python Addiction Skinny Jeans in the black/grey colorway allow you to stay comfortable AND provide an excellent pretext to drop some of your impressive encyclopedic knowledge of serpentine predators on that poor, unsuspecting boy. Remember kids: Smart=hot.

*insert joke about snake handling here*

-You couldn’t find anything else to do and wound up at your local industrial night…

Date? No date? Who cares. The Clothing Gods bestowed Technocracy upon this world, and I can’t think of a better way to rock the fuck out of pink on Valentine’s Day (or have an excuse to don futuristic clubwear on a random Tuesday night). Since this fantastic collection *JUST* debuted, you’ll totally stake your claim of being the girl who wore it first.

-Chomping down on something fancy with someone special…

#84-6-00 Blacklist Midnight Seduction Dinner Dress proudly boasts its mission statement right there in the name. The lace up back pretty much screams “come and get some”.

Happy Valentine’s Day from Vanity Kills and Lethal Style <3

It’s no suprise to say there’s a lot of love for Steampunk among the freaks at Lip Service. So, it should further be no surprise that your webmistress has been combing the interwebs, looking for a suitably witty individual to deliver monthly messages from the world of steam. It gives me great pleasure to introduce the newest member of the Lip Service Webzine’s Blacklist writers and all-around dapper gent, Captain Theo (better known to some of you Twitter Freaks as @thegeo). His monthly feature, The Captain’s Dispatches, will debut March 7th and continue on the first Wednesday of every month.

So, who is Captain Theo and what’s he about? Here’s your answer, straight from the man, himself:

Hail and well met, I am Captain Theo of the Fortune’s Ember, and I am going to be writing a Steampunk column from here on out. The column will discuss various aspects of the Steampunk fashion, lifestyle, crafting, and things not to do. For a few years I have ran a Michigan Steampunk group known as the Fortune’s Ember, we are a group of airship pirates, but we break many of the standard genre stereotypes as often as we can to keep things fresh. I attend the World Steam Expo every year in Dearborn, Michigan, I have multiple Steampunk tattoos and I listen to a fair bit of music that is considered Steampunk. I also do a lot of crafting of various objects, trinkets, equipment, and costumes.

My interest in Steampunk stemmed from wanting to learn more about history of the era, which lead me to finding the glory that is Steampunk. I often stay dressed in steam attire for everyday wear, as much of the clothes are quite fashionable and proper looking. The more I learned of Steampunk, the further in I delved. I already enjoyed making things with my hands and digging through junk for scrap parts, Steampunk made it useful. Steampunk is also what originally brought me to Lip Service! Their fine clothing caught my eyes when I originally got into the genre, and ever since has been a mainstay in my wardrobe.

I had the opportunity to ask the Captain a few questions, so you can get to know him better. Here’s what he had to say for himself:

the Webmistress: Steampunk is such a varied genre. How would you define Steampunk, as it relates to your style and lifestyle?

Captain Theo: I consider Steampunk to be important to my lifestyle, it allows me to escape from reality and have fun while meeting people I otherwise would have never met!

WM: Where in your day-to-day life are you the most surprised/pleased to see Steampunk seeping in?

CT: I am extremely happy to see Steampunk being integrated into more movies and television, and I hope that we will soon see more full-on Steampunk movies being realised.

WM: Is there a particular writer or artist whose work piqued your interest in Steampunk?

CT: No specific writer or artist originally piqued my interest in Steampunk, I originally got into Steampunk for the fashion and aesthetic after seeing a fancy top hat at a game convention I attended many years ago.

WM: Speaking of, which Steampunk writers, artists, and creators inspire you the most?

CT: The only Steampunk writer whos work I have read is Cherie Priest, and her books are wonderful! I can’t name any Steampunk artists off the top of my head, but for creators there are too many to list! I have met so many wonderful people who create things and freely share and exchange ideas since getting into the local Steampunk scene. To anyone new to the scene, most Steampunk people are willing to share advice and techniques, as we love educating new people and encourage the growth of the genre.

WM: Which Steampunk DIY mods and crafts are you the most proud of?

CT: My proudest Steampunk craft is probably my simplest, a cane that cost me about $10 to make using parts from hardware stores and Hobby Lobby. It is simply a metal pipe with a cap on one end, a fitting on the other and a cabinet handle as the head. It is very simple yet quite elegant!

WM: What has been your best antique-trolling find so far? What did you do with it?

CT: Last summer I found an antique projector for two dollars! I am currently about 60% done with turning it into a rather large portable prop cannon. It will not be firing, but it looks simply spectacular! I hope to add some lights and other fun bits to it before the year ends.

WM: If there’s one thing you could instantly make in a Steampunk version, with no limitations (objects, literature, film, etc.), what would it be?

CT: I would conjure up a real working pirate airship! But in all seriousness, I am considering a Steampunk Phantom of the Opera outfit, it would be snazzy.

WM: If someone is interested in learning more about Steampunk, what/where do you recommend?

CT: The books “The Steampunk Bible: An Illustrated Guide to the World of Imaginary Airships, Corsets and Goggles, Mad Scientists, and Strange Literature” by Jeff VanderMeer and S. J. Chambers and “Steampunk Gear, Gadgets, and Gizmos: A Maker’s Guide to Creating Modern Artifacts” by Thomas Willeford. The Steampunk Empire (www.thesteampunkempire.com) is a good social network for meeting Steampunk people around the world as well. Other than that, I say find events you can make it to, look at pictures online, surf Etsy and Google, then get out there and start making and building! Also, Lip Service has some simply gorgeous clothing that suits the genre! Don’t just look at their main Steampunk lines such as Step in Time though, their other lines have some pieces that are truly wonderful that fit in very well, especially for the punk side of Steampunk! The new hooded suspenders they have coming soon (note:  style is in upcoming group Dead-Nation) make a wonderful accent piece to many outfits.

WM: We know this is a Steampunk column and all, but what are some of your other interests, outside Steampunk?

CT: I enjoy gaming, the cyberpunk genre, cinema, industrial music, musicals, and any excuse I can find to dress up.

WM: Wild card question: What is the one thing you’d like everyone to know about you?

CT: I am absolutely insane! (Your webmistress can confirm this to be true.)

We can’t wait to check out Capt. Theo’s first Dispatch, here in the LS Webzine Wednesday, March 7th.

You can find Capt. Theo online at:

Twitter: @thegeo

Tumblr: The Mind of a Madman