Fact! People like dressing up for Halloween. Fact! People like taking quizzes on the Internet. I have come to this conclusion since I block TONS of them from my Facebook feed on a daily basis. They’re poorly written by kids aged somewhere in the neighborhood of 16, they don’t apply to me (Sorry, but I don’t have a favorite Evanescence song), and hello, backdoor viruses anyone? Frankly, I don’t really need to display someone’s stolen picture or an Amy Brown fairy graphic on my page that badly. I mean, for Christ’s sake, you really don’t know “What minuscule subdivision of any given scene that you self identify with” you allegedly belong to by now? You didn’t know you were a “romantigoth” by simply opening your closet doors? I’ve seen people in their 30s post their results and get mad that a quiz told them they were “an emo” or “a prep” instead of “bad ass metal head”. Shit son, me thinks an existential crisis was afoot and that those folks needed more answers than a social networking site app could provide them with.
Alas, sometimes one still doesn’t know just what the fuck they’re going to wear come October 31st a week and a half before the big night. And some are in dire need of a time killer at their 9-to-5 in between dealing with their co-worker’s bullshit. So, I’ve decided to author a little non-Facebook based distraction, designed to throw some costuming ideas in your general direction. No fairy graphics. No backdoor viruses. No promise to reveal the meaning of life.
Obligatory Disclaimer (in case the intro paragraph wasn’t enough): Lethal Style isn’t trying to tell you how to dress, “put you in a box”, nor force you into any high school-esque clique against your will in any shape or form. You’re all unique snowflakes and I would never dream of taking that away from you. This silly little quiz was created for entertainment purposes only and isn’t proven to help you find your identity or cure cancer.
(1) You can have my first, second and third born child if you only bring back:
- A- Rosary’s Garden
- B- The Fashionista Resistance
- C- Rockabilly Rumble
- D- Easy Rider
(2) Ahhh…October. Bonfires, candy corn, cheesy haunted attractions, and people who don’t know any better stocking up on 99 cent black lipstick at their local drugstore. And naturally, the time for a fresh crop of autumnal apparel vying for real estate in the closets of Lippy Addicts all over the world. Which Fall 2010 line were you most psyched about?
- A- Blacklist…duh.
- B- Cyber Sniper
- C- Pin Me Up
- D- Nevermind Fall 2010…give me Python Addiction already!
(3) Typical Satuday night out; your fab self is seizing the night at your alcohol-serving establishment of choice, dressed to the nines, with your equally fashionable crew in tow. Trolling for men isn’t high on the agenda, but you’re willing to make an exception for the right male specimen. Bonus points if he’s wearing a:
- A-Step in Time Dress Coat but always in black, never in brown.
- B- Dead Nation Death in the Arena Military Jacket
- C- A Service T-shirt and a gravity-defying pompadour.
- D- Only a vintage Radioactive Chain Reaction God of Thunder Sleeveless Shallow V Top would do. I love nothing more than seeing a man rock the hell out of a skin tight metallic gold shirt!
(4) Ohmyfuckinggod!You just won Lippy’s Halloween Costume Photo Contest.Gonna put that shiny new $250 gift certificate toward:
- A- A splurge on a Wicked Winter Long Coat with Faux Fur as an “I’m worth it” present to yourself. You’ve earned it by dodging the bait of getting sucked into the latest round of Facebook scene drama.
- B- Stocking up on Circuit City closeouts.Gotta look hot at Kinetik 2011.
- C-Treating thyself to Fall 2010’s select sexy Pin Me Up styles in the red and black colorway, but saving a good chunk of change for winter’s Nocturnal Rendezvous collection. It’s just what you need to spice up your burlesque act.
- D- Buying out every last thing in the lingerie category . You never know-Bret Michaels might just do a fourth season of Rock of Love and if so, you’ll need a winnin’ wardrobe.
(5) Musically you just can’t seem to tire of:
- A- As cliché as it sounds, Bauhaus. You just can’t seem to kick that Murphy habit of yours. You even overlook his most recent “I can’t believe the peoples’ hero guest-starred on Dawson’s Creek with vampires“ fiasco. Peter Murphy in Twilight? Nope never happened.
- B- Tactical Sekt
- C- Zombie Ghost Train
- D-RATT
(6) Holy shit! Somehow after a night of Jager-fueled debauchery you magically manage to travel back in time to 2005. You wake up naked next to a handsome stranger, not entirely sure if the reality currently unfolding before you is nothing more than an elaborate hallucination. You opt to ask questions at a later date, since your initial train of thought is that you’ll only be able to make some semblance of sense out of this clusterfuck once your body has been properly dosed with caffeine. But first you must retrieve your crumpled up garments located somewhere on his bedroom floor. What are you looking for?
- A- Flowers of Evil Ballgown
- B- Air Raid Sirens Ruffle Mini Skirt in Camo (with a Skinny Puppy patch haphazardly pinned to the side)
- C- Greaser Seduction Chick’s Capri Pant
- D- Lyck my Lycra Off the Shoulder Dress
(7) Fast forward to New Year’s Eve 2011. Survey says you’re most likely to be found at:
- A- An invite-only masked costume gala adorned in a metric ton of ruffles, black lace and a cameo carefully pinned to the collar of your blouse.
- B- Yelling at the DJ at the local club for only playing new Wumpscut. Who does that guy think he is? He needs to get the fuck out of *your* scene.
- C- The annual Old Hollywood with Zombies themed swing dance. Not a hair out of place.
- D- Dropping acid to the tune of a Whitesnake cover band.
(8) Your well connected fairy Godmother allows you to raid the wardrobe closet of any Hollywood production you want. You’re practically bursting at the seams with excitement at the mere prospect of being able to wear:
- A- Winona Ryder’s decadent red bustle ballgown from Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It’s pretty much haunted your dreams on a nightly basis since 1992.
- B- Leeloo Dallas’ iconic barely there white bandage ensemble from The Fifth Element (Your singular desire is to live in Hollywood circa 1997’s version of the future!)
- C- Elsa Lanchester’s gauzy getup in 1935’s Bride of Frankenstein. But only if you can take some scissors to it! It’s a fine frock, but it certainly calls for an updated, slightly more deconstructed edge. Your look is that more of the Bride after a bar fight.
- D- Fuck Tinseltown! A female version of Metalocalypse’s Dr. Rockzo would be fucking hilarious! You already have the 8-ball to go with it.
(9) Besides your smart phone (obviously), keys, a pack of gum and wallet you feel naked without:
- A- An authentic Victorian mourning brooch
- B- A circuitboard necklace
- C- Skeleton hand hair slides
- D-Your lucky leopard print bra
(10) The most blood pressure raising rumor regarding your personal life you’ve had the displeasure encountering, within the realms of the cesspool known as the Internet, stated that you:
- A- Look this way due to pop culture’s obsession with vampires
- B- Are a raver
- C- Apparently trying to be just like Bettie Page due to an interest in cheesecake modeling
- D- Got hepatitis from Tommy Lee
Now tally that shit up, see which letter was the most prevalent and scroll down for the obvious answer.
A – Goth with a Capital-fucking-G
You enshrouded yourself in layers of black tulle petticoats and funerary lace when those fucking kids ruining all your clubs with their Combichrist requests were nothing but a glimmer in the eyes of two intoxicated rednecks in the back of a Camarro. You die on the inside just a tiny bit any time that a mallgoth bedecked in chains, spikes and an oversized “I <3 vampires” T-shirt engages you in conversation under the guise that you two have something ... in common. Favorite past-times include: smoking the now contraband cloves, pining for the good old days and sneering at those clueless cybergoths. You wish that the rave scene would reclaim those goddamn human highlighters since it’s clearly where they belong.
Costume Suggestions
Dandy Vampire a’la my friend Meagan Kyla in Fetish Aristocracy, because let’s face it, you probably already have something similar in your closet.
Celebrate your campy side with the flirtatious flair of a Horror Hostess. It’s not like you haven’t been compared to Vampira or Elvira in the past. You know what they say, if the shoe fits…Peruse El Chupacabra for styling ideas.
B – Industrial/Cyber Dancefloor Dictator
Drink hard, dance harder! Sissy goths best get out of the way, or get their asses stomped back to 1985. You have no time for Andrew Eldritch’s whiny, self-serving pretentious bullshit when there are Engrish songs about WAR to be danced to. When not beating the beat, you create your own music in your home studio. The best things in life consist of: World War II documentaries on the TV, Ogre on the Ipod and William Gibson on the bookshelf.
Costume Suggestions
Zombie Nurse- Industrial music and medical fetish go together like Chris Hansen and sexual predators. Zombies go with absolutely everything at all times. Try a Looks That Kill Naughty Nurse Mini Dress and just add gore.
If the idea of wearing a nurse dress on Halloween feels just too sorority skank-esque for your discerning taste, perhaps you’ll find that giving the zombification treatment to militant apparel to be more up your alley. Check out Meagan’s take on soldier chic in Kommandante Kyla for inspiration. Then apply blood, guts, and fake half-eaten brain matter liberally.
Cyber Geisha(as seen in Exit Ritual)- Because flailing kimono sleeves will hit those foolish enough to dance close to you in the face. I speak from experience. If you value your dancefoor space, this can prove to be advantageous.
C – Something or other “a-billy”
Somewhere between Morticia Addams and a Stepford Wife lies a vintage enthusiast with a soft spot for spooky, whimsical kitsch. You know that cleavers serve a dual purpose; preparing a delicious, hearty meal for your loving family and fucking a hooker up if they get out of line. Pinups, classic cars (or better yet, classic hearses), burlesque, swapping cookie recipes, stiff tiki drinks and B-movie 1950’s shlock horror are the hallmark of a fulfilling existence.
Costume Suggestions
Sassy Sailor– Because who doesn’t want a hot boy waiting for them in every port?
Fly the friendly skies in sultry stewardess style featured in Mile High Club.Perfect for gals who want shy away from leg-baring cuts without sacrificing their sex appeal.
Hosting your own Samhain soiree? Have you thought of playing the part of the homicidal hausfrau, my friend Meagan portrayed in Shrunken Heads for All Occassions.
D – Hair Metal Harlot Extraordinaire
Paris and Lindsay could learn a thing or two about partying from you. Never one to be deterred by jealous haters, you proudly embrace the “You only live once” philosophy closely followed by “There’s plenty of time to sleep when you’re dead”. In your world there’s no such thing as a heel too high, a skirt too short or hair too voluminous.
Costume Suggestions
Kelly Bundy
You will need:
- 25 Years Off The Shoulder Dress
- Teasing comb and plenty of Aqua Net for that perfect 80′s cock rock groupie rat’s nest
- Push up bra
- Fuck me pumps or Lucite stripper heels
“Shout at the Devil”( Crüe or GTFO)
Happy Haunting!
<3
Vanity Kills