Posts Tagged ‘menage a trois question’

My boyfriend keeps joking around about us having a threesome with another woman, that it would be totally hot. I usually ignore him, but he’s talking about it a lot and even asked if I would seriously do it. He says he loves me and this will just spice things up, but I’m confused. Does this mean he’s over me? ~ Anaïs

Girl, my first question, Is this something you want to do? I mean, you said you’ve been ignoring him until now, so that just makes me think a threesome is not something you’re really all that into. Why the hell would you even consider a three-way after ignoring it for several months? You have to have some desire to have a threesome before blindly doing it. Just to please your boyfriend? Give me a fucking break! Would he be as easy if you wanted to bring another man home to “spice things up”?

You are a sexual being too with a mind of your own, right? So use it!

You should only get involved in a ménage a trios (that’s French for three-some) if you want to, not because you want to please him. That would be a mess. He’d get what he wants and you’d get lost somewhere in-between the sheets. Ewwww. Have some self-respect already.

Now, if it’s a two-way street? I mean, you guys can trade. Say, for example, if a threesome isn’t really your thing but you might be willing to do it if he is willing to do something sexy and HOT for you in return. Don’t give up the goods without making sure there is something in it for you in return. The days of concubines ended a long-ass time ago.

And, just for the record, threesomes can be scary, messy and complicated. Just by pure virtue of the physics, someone will be the “odd man out” and could wind up feeling left out or hurt. How will you feel if that’s you? Some people can handle threesomes. Hell, for some couples, it actually improves their relationship. But, if that’s not you, you need to level with yourself and right fucking now.

Jealousy and insecurity are relationship and passion killers and there is no room for that crap in bed. To have a threesome you gotta put that jealous, insecure, “I don’t know if he loves me,” bullshit aside. Can you do that? If you are in a trusting and stable relationship, you need to deal with jealousy openly before inviting more in. The thing is, with all that baggage, a threesome won’t be enjoyable for anyone, anyway, and that shit will stick around. These are pretty serious, heavy and deadly emotions to be hanging around in the air. Deadly.

The point is, you need to stand up to yourself and to your boyfriend. If you are going to even consider going there at all, you have to: 1. Know what you want and 2. Ask him what he wants.

What is his idea of a threesome? Does he mean penetration, oral sex, anal sex? Get the details out of him. Girl, you need to know this shit. Don’t let him push you around all willy-nilly. Let him know what you are and aren’t ok with. Maybe you don’t want him to kiss her. Maybe you don’t want him to fuck her doggy style but you are willing to watch a little from-the-behind action while he’s spooning her, and maybe you are interested in tasting her fruits but you just haven’t come to terms with your freaky side yet, which is something else you might need to address and own. Nobody knows this but you. You have to know what you want, and then own it. You have to know what you can and cannot handle and these limits (or lack there-of) really do need to be discussed, and defined, so you can both be satiated.

If your boyfriend says something like, “All these fucking rules will spoil the moment”, tell him to grow up and grow a real set of nuts. He needs to recognize that your relationship needs to be stable and on solid ground first for a threesome and your relationship to work. You two must be on the same page. The rest can and will happen spontaneously, and “in the moment.” The bottom line is that you want to please him and get your needs met too. What “man” wouldn’t want that? (Throw the word “man” in there to really drive the nail in…. men cannot handle women thinking they are somehow less than full grown…. To them size is everything..)

If he still does not want to define parameters with you, seems unwilling to meet you half way and/or thinks you are being overly sensitive/insecure/jealous/whatever? Then, honestly, he needs to fuck off and go have a three-some with his hand and some lotion, since his motives for having a threesome may not be as genuine as you’d like to think…. I have news for you sister, he might actually be one of those sleaze-balls looking to have his cake and eat it too…. Just tell him “Sorry, dude,” the threesome is not happening and neither are you!