Posts Tagged ‘Princess’

It’s usually fun and exciting to be a princess; it’s something pseudo-magical that people (usually girls) aspire to be. You get to live in a large castle, eat fancy food, wear overly-expensive garish clothing, and generally do whatever you want. However, this all ended for me when I was 17. That was when my mother, an important queen, died and her throne was usurped. The old and terrible Madame Frontenac, who took over the monarchy, cast me, being the only living bloodline to the rightful queen, down to live in the depths of the rotting, abyssal basement.

The disused shithole had always been off-limits to me during youth, and it was readily apparent why. Firstly, the stench of the entire place was face-melting (and not in the yummy MDMA laced baked goods way, either). Secondly, the place was dimly lit and covered with dust & cobwebs. Thirdly, there simply wasn’t anything to do down here. So, not only was I bored and trapped indefinitely in this dismal catacomb, but all my fancy clothes, save for one party dress, were revoked and given to the Madame’s obese, repugnant daughter.Not like she even fit them FML.

I lost track of time nearly immediately, since there was no way to tell the fluctuation of light from the outside world. Every so often, a maid would bring me some food and, occasionally, some cleaning materials, since my title had apparently been downgraded from princess to basement janitor. “Princess Bea” was now, and seemingly forever, “Janitor Bea.” Cleaning this ill-used compound was degrading and, as time passed, I harbored a growing resentment towards the evil Madame Frontenac, wishing only to escape so I could see the look on her face while I relieved her of her head.

For months there was no hope of retribution; that is, until I discovered the ancient wooden door, hidden behind a decomposing dresser. The door led to an unlit hallway, which appeared to spiral down into the infinite black nothingness of the earth and smelled like a sewer. At first the door was of little significance, until the C.H.U.D came. The door was, in fact, the gateway to the kingdom of the cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers! The C.H.U.D were very frightening in appearance, looking like mutant humans with glowing yellow eyes. They seemed unable to talk and, instead, made strange and terrifying grunting sounds. However, despite being utterly ghastly, they did not try to harm me. Instead, it was quite the opposite. The C.H.U.D would come out of hiding and gather around me like happy forest creatures while I did my chores in the basement. Eventually, the C.H.U.D adopted me as their own Princess, and my title was upgraded from “Janitor Bea” to “Princess Bea, Queen of the CHUD”.

The C.H.U.D were also angry at the Madame, who I assumed had something to do with the creation and subsequent imprisonment of the C.H.U.D, and they were willing to help me exact my revenge; for the C.H.U.D had tired of eating rats and rancid scraps of the underground, and they desired to dine on human flesh. When the time was right, we smashed our way out of our stygian tomb and set about reclaiming the fallen palatial abode. While the hired help were paralyzed by fear of the hideous mutants, the C.H.U.D dismembered and consumed them in vile and non-PC ways. These fiends from the dungeon depths quickly overran the castle and made short work of its inhabitants, all except for the Madame and her corpulent crotch fruit, who they trapped in the throne room.

At last I was set to have my revenge. I commanded the C.H.U.D to do away with the daughter and they set their ravenous teeth to her, ripping her limb from limb until not but a bloody pulp remained. For my own satisfaction and as payment for my banishing, I tore the Madame’s head off her very shoulders with uncanny C.H.U.D-inspired strength. The pleasant howls of the sated C.H.U.D. filled the blood-soaked room. I held the severed head above me at length and declared myself the proud and mighty Bea, Queen of the C.H.U.D.

For Mine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

The Abbatoir Aristocrat

Tattered cloth juxtaposed with pearls and restrictive corsetry make for fashions worthy of a present-day princess with a taste for both the refined and the macabre. The girl who’ll rip out you digestive system, have it bronzed and use it as a tiara rack.

Constructed from sexy sheer layers of ravaged fabric, the SlasHer Girl’s Long Sleeved Shirt gives a raw edge to even the most frilly sugarcoated layer cake of a skirt. As if it were tailor made for a true queen of the underworld whose ultimate storybook happy ending is laden with severed heads.

Shred your shirts, not your dignity. A black PVC underbust corset works double duty by providing curvage and coverage simultaneously.

*Insert pearl necklace joke here*

Har har har…now that we got that out of the way…

A strategically placed accessory typically associated with all the trappings of the upper class softens up the slashed n’trashed top and lends an echo of cultivated beauty to your reign of glamour and terror. Stick to a single strand of pearls or an off-centered jeweled brooch for an air of lady-like elegance. I said ELEGANCE. Did you catch that? This means don’t pile on all the bling you stashed in your accessory drawer at once.

If you find traditional royal headwear to be too MySpace-scene-kid-tacky for your discerning tastes, pin an oversized purple leopard print lily into your lush locks instead. Look the part of a princess, not a royal mess.

A black petticoat trimmed with purple ribbons and ruffles worn in place of a skirt is truly befitting for nightclub royalty who love to flaunt their flair for the dramatic. And so, the next time you’re faced with the daunting dilemma of figuring out exactly what a girl should wear to a formal garden party, thrown in her honor by grotesquely deformed sewer dwelling creatures, go with the crinoline. Skip the overskirt. Some garments technically classified as underwear are just too pretty to remain hidden.

What’s this? Floor-sweeping skirts aren’t exactly your flavor? Try one of these short, but still decidedly sweet alternatives currently in stock on Lippy’s website right now:

Style #73-300-001 Ghoul School Voile Mini Skirt in the Black/Purple colorway.

Style #83-3-02 Victorian Mourning Side Zip Layered Mini Skirt in the Dark Purple colorway.

Glass slippers might’ve worked in Walt Disney’s adaptation of Cinderella, but you’re just not that kind of princess. Fetish meets fairytale in the form of black PVC knee-high boots laced with alternating black and purple satin ribbon. Guaranteed to stay put on your feet before, during, and after the ball.

Bone printed stockings showcase the pride you hold in your majestic and dignified man-devouring C.H.U.D heritage. For the C.H.U.D are a proud and noble race.

The updo is DEAD! Long live anything but…

Unless you favor the PedoBear-approved kiddie beauty pageant contestant look, I’d say that it’s time to give those overly crispy curls shellacked on top of your head a rest. In the kingdom of Lethal Style, loose waves hold court. The creation of which I’ve previously discussed in further detail here.

Alternatively, you can try this no fuss quick n’ painless straightener method:

Or pay some nice people in Hong Kong to send you a wig :)

Royal Blush

De-prissify dainty pinks and pastel purples once and for all with a punch of charcoal. Y’know, in case you were secretly worried about looking like an Easter Egg.

General Prep Work

You will need:

Moisturizer, Primer, Concealer, Matte liquid Foundation, Foundation Brush, Translucent Powder, Powder brush, Eyeshadow primer

1. Wash your face with a cleanser formulated especially for your skin type. Rinse thoroughly and pat dry with a soft cloth. Prep your skin with moisturizer before applying concealer in order to ensure a smoother, flake-free application.
2. Before proceeding any further, allow your skin to properly absorb the moisturizer. This should take about 10 minutes.
3. Since foundation worn alone often has a nasty habit of settling in the fine lines around your mouth, near your eyes, and on your forehead, I highly recommend using a primer after you’ve moisturized your face. Utilizing a small amount of primer helps to fill in unflattering expression lines, pores, and scars, thus allowing foundation to actually do its job!
4. Nix blemishes and skin discoloration by gently patting concealer over the trouble area. Follow by blending with your ring finger.
5. Apply a matte liquid foundation that best matches your skin tone to your face and neck with a foundation brush (A full dome shaped brush works beautifully). Start by applying small dots in the center of your face and then moving outward.
6. Set everything in place by finishing off with a thin coat of translucent powder. Use a full, round shaped powder brush for optimal results.
7. Prep your lids with eyeshadow primer to neutralize the colour of your lids, which in turn makes for brighter more vibrant shadow. It also prevents said shadow from creasing.

Eyes

You will need:

Eyeshadow Primer, Eyeliner that matches your hair color if you draw your eyebrows in, Makeup sealer (optional), Black eyeliner, Violet pigment, Charcoal pigment, Light pink eyshadow, Frosty off white eyeshadow, Eyeshadow brush with a round/tapered edge, Blending brush, Fluffy eyeshadow brush, Eyelash curler, Black Mascara

1. Prep your brows by filling them in with a pencil and softening the lines with a small brush or drawing them in if you don’t have them. Eyebrowless ladies like myself should make sure to use a pencil that matches their hair color. After you’re satisfied with the shape of your brows, feel free to seal them with a single coat of a makeup sealer. Last but not least, lightly coat your entire eyelid area with an eyeshadow primer, to build a smooth base for your shadows, pigments and liners.
2. Apply clear adhesive tape starting at the outer corner of your eye and extend to the end of your eyebrow. Press down gently with your finger to smooth it out. This little trick gives your eyeshadow an extremely pronounced hard edge, which creates a clean and defined shape.
3. Take an eyeshadow brush with a round/tapered edge and wet it a little. Dip your dampened brush into the violet pigment and gently tap — DO NOT SWIPE — the pigment across your entire eyelid from lashline to crease. Don’t worry if you get excess pigment on the tape. Once you’re done with your eye makeup and peel the sticky stuff off, I assure you that any messes you might have made will magically disappear.
4. Using a blending brush, add some charcoal pigment to the outer crease of your eye and bring it down to your lashline on the outer corner of your eyelid. This is also known as the “outer V”. Blend into the violet pigment from Step #3. If you shave and draw your brows on, you can extend the pigment past your crease and onto the lower part of your browbone, since you obviously have more room to work with. Once again, ignore any fallout that might have ended up on the area you previously taped off.
5. Starting at the inner corner of your eye, using a small fluffy eyeshadow brush tap some light pink eyeshadow outward toward the “V” of charcoal you applied in Step 4. Blend into the violet pigment you added in Step #3. Eyebrowless girls and boys have the option to extend the pigment past the crease and onto the lower part of their browbone the same way they did in Step 4.
   At this point, the outer part of your crease (and parts of your browbone if you’re brow-less) should be lovely shade of charcoal, while the inner part should be a light pink. Blend both shades into each other at their meeting point, which should lie somewhere at the halfway point in the crease of your eye.
6. Clean the fluffy eyeshadow brush you used in the previous step. Sweep some frosty off white shadow directly under your eyebrows (doesn’t matter if they’re drawn on or natural). Blend the frosty off white eyeshadow into the two colors that you’ve blended into your crease in Step 5, the charcoal and the light pink.
7. Line your bottom lid starting from the outer corner of your eye, slowly making your way toward the inner corner with your favorite brand of black kohl eyeliner. Most of the color should be concentrated in the outer corner. I find that it’s easiest to put on eyeliner after eyeshadow and before mascara. Curl your eyelashes with an eyelash curler and top off with 2 coats of black mascara.
   Now would be a good time to remove the tape and admire your eyeshadow blending skills!

Cheeks

You will need:

Blush brush, Rose pink blush, Bronzer, Highlighter

1. Swipe some pressed bronzer onto your blush brush.
2. Starting mid-cheek, going towards your ear, apply the bronzer into the hollows of your cheeks using short, up-and-down vertical strokes. Darker shades will give the illusion of the hollows of your cheeks receding.
3. Now, using the same technique, add a rose pink blush to the apples of your cheeks, which will cause them to protrude. Use translucent powder to blend between the two colors in order to avoid obvious lines. This ain’t Ru Paul’s Drag Race, where such things might be more acceptable.
4. For added glow, blend a small amount of highlighter powder into the tops of your cheekbones. This will enhance the definition of your bone structure.

Lips

You will need:

Rose pink liner, frosted fuchsia lipstick

1. Use a rose pink lip liner to fill in your lips, starting at the center of your natural lip line and moving toward the outer corners. Filling in your entire lip area will not only make an excellent base for color, but it will also prevent the bleeding and feathering of your lipstick.
2. For some delicious lips reminiscent of sugary baked goods, grab your frosted fuchsia lipstick and beginning in the center of your upper lip, gently press the tube into the flesh of your lip and then proceed to roll it over the entire top lip area, working toward the edges. Repeat the process on your bottom lip. Being spotted with lipstick on your teeth is considered a major beauty blunder! Prevent potential slippage by placing a finger in your mouth, closing your lips around it and then removing said finger. This will remove any excess lip junk.

Photography:Alas Vera

Model- “Princess Bea: Queen of the C.H.U.D”: Vanity Kills

Location: The terrifying basement of my old apartment in Buffalo, NY

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Vanity Kills

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