Posts Tagged ‘Stepford wives’

see full size in gallery below

I think it was about 3 years ago when I first met Mrs. Hendrickson. I was an amateur collector of all things Tiki, and new to town. I had heard through a colleague that she threw the absolute best Tiki-themed parties this side of Rapa Nui, so of course I could not turn down an opportunity to indulge in pseudo-Polynesian fare. It wasn’t long after I had moved that I was invited to one of her infamous shindigs. Her lounge was everything that I expected it to be: a densely packed space, filled to the brim with exotic foliage, strange & questionably legitimate artifacts, and all forms of carven Pacific rim deities big and small. In fact, the cluster of things was so heavy that no trace of the outside world had a chance of seeping in and ruining the experience. And what an experience it was. These wildly popular bashes were always crowded with new and returning faces, and there was no shortage of excellent rum-based drinks nor hedonistic activities to partake in. It was always a great place to go to escape the terrible events of the week and lose yourself in a strikingly realistic world of wooden gods, potted palms, hula dancing and of course the trademark of a Hendrickson party: the shrunken head drinking glasses.

Of course there were always rumors about the place, most likely spoken by those who weren’t adventurous enough to actually attend one of these alcohol-soaked affairs, and instead preferred to shit on other people’s good times from afar. The word on the street and resting on the lips of party-goers, though never spoken outright, was that Mrs. Hendrickson’s shrunken heads were just a little TOO realistic. She would never tell anyone where she purchased these curious vessels, or how she came to acquire such a collection, and instead insisted that their origin was mundane and the knowledge of it would ruin the mystique.

see full size in gallery below

At first I, like the other guests, simply brushed off these rumors as silly urban legends invented by petty kill-joys who were jealous of Mrs. Hendrickson’s success. However, after attending these suburban island getaways for several years I started to notice things that were in fact a bit strange. Mrs. Hendrickson would introduce a new shrunken head on the last weekend of every month, and I swore some of them resembled attendees of days past, for example: someone who’s hair you vaguely remember staring at on the way to get another Mai Tai. But perhaps this was in some sort of odd tribute to an honored guest who moved away. There were other things too; I couldn’t help but think that the gaunt, leathery features on these heads were a bit TOO lifelike. In retrospect, they were a bit scary until you got a few drinks in your system (luckily which didn’t take very long at all). And if you had the honor of using the newest addition to the collection you would notice that it was oddly warm to the touch. For all of these things I found some sort of rationalization to ignore them, and of course a slice of bright fruit mixed with rum was always helpful in keeping my mind on more hedonistic matters.

see full size in gallery below

However, after several years of enjoying the local interpretations of crab rangoon and pig roast, I came to know that the rumors of the shrunken heads was all too true. It was late in the year, one of the autumn months. I had been exploring the local dive bar scene while waiting for the next luau to commence and on several occasions had met a rather annoying young woman who attempted to wow me with stories of tribal life in Tahiti that were so full of gaping mistakes and inconstancies that she may as well have read me an amateur Hollywood script. The point is not that she grated on my nerves, but the fact that I knew her rather well and could recognize her juvenile countenance in any setting. Needless to say, when that fateful Tiki party I was rather pleased to get back to drunkenly arguing about the construction and transportation of the ancient Moai over Mrs. Hendrickson’s signature cocktail “Cannibal Concubine”. Since it also happened to be the end of the month, a new shrunken head was due to be announced. I had grown a bit weary of this tradition after bearing witness to it for so long, so I choose to talk with some friends rather than gaze upon yet another withered trophy. I thought nothing of this new cephalic chalice until it came into my field of vision later than night. Normally I would hardly have paid it any mind, but when I saw this ghastly abomination I couldn’t help but scream in fright. For the new head bore the exact visage of the girl from the bar!

Needless to say, that was my last encounter with Mrs. Hendrickson and her grandiose gatherings. I left town not too long after and never looked back. Sometimes I wonder about those parties though, as I am sure they continue in my absence. Despite everything, a part of me hopes that Mrs. Hendrickson is still there, throwing lavish soirees and pouring one of her trademark mixed drinks for a cute young girl with a memorable face.

Her most famous drink: “Cannibal Concubine”

Ingredients:

• 1 1/2 oz white rum
• 1 1/2 oz dark rum
• 1 oz pineapple juice
• 1 oz orange juice
• 1/2 oz fresh blood
• grated foreskin
• severed finger or eyeball wedge

When the word “luau” springs to mind, what sort of wardrobe options does your mind conjure up? Grass skirts and coconut shell bras? Bikini bottoms and flip flops? Or perhaps the ubiquitous Hawaiian shirt with an updated feminine cut? While that’s mighty fine for a pig roast on the beaches of Oahu, dressing the part of this hula homemaker with a vicious streak calls for a sexy spaghetti strapped frock that will leave her party guests drunk with desire. Accessorize it with care and the boys will simply lose their heads!

Scratch the seven seas itch with a mainland-friendly cocktail dress suitable for suburban hausfraus struck by island madness .Think sinister hostess with the mostest in this elegantly simple Lip Service 92-186-HT cut 17643 style made for Hot Topic.

A must for the modern day June CLEAVER, whose love for decapitation and head shrinking is matched only with her love of baking that perfect pie. ( I love when the jokes write themselves)

A black, wide elastic waist belt nips and defines your midsection (Note: When wearing a dress without a well-defined bodice such a belt aids in creating an extremely figure enhancing babydoll shape)

Forget those ridiculously overpriced cocktail rings. Try pairing wooden Virgin Mary and Memento Mori bracelets as a darkly kitsch and, quite frankly, cheaper alternative. Because every fashionable domestic goddess sure does love a bargain!

Nude Cuban heeled black back seamed pantyhose! Legs just don’t get anymore pinup perfect than that!

The lady of the house can’t be gallivanting about in some of those 7” inch stilettos that nudie dancers wear when she’s running around with a hors d’oeuvres serving tray in one hand, and a scorpion bowl in the other. But a pair of these adorable black patent 3” pumps will do just fine!

Head Huntress Hair

Straight, sleek and voluminous. Not a strand out of place.
Hotter than the fires of Pele lighting a volacano bowl. Cooler than a “Singapore Sling” on a blistering July afternoon. Deadlier than a “Scorpion’s Sting” chased by a “Zombie”.

• Coat hair with a layer of heat-protective spray.
• Grab a flat iron and clamp it down on your hair as close to the roots as possible.
• Pull flat iron through hair slowly and away from the head.
• Part hair at crown and proceed to pull up and away from the face.
• Place Bump-It under part.
• Arrange hair in such a way that it covers the Bump-It and pin it back into place.
• Place two black hair flowers in hair where the Bump-It begins.
• Use smoothing cream to keep the remaining hair, (which is not “Bump”-ed up) fly away free.
• Apply a liberal amount of hairspray to keep hair in place.

Orchids of Hawaii

Bring out your inner “Tease of the Seven Seas” and channel the beauties of Leeteg’s black velvet paintings with an eye and lip palette inspired by the perfect pinks and lush purples of a Polynesian paradise.

Skin

1. Meagan applied a tinted moisturizer all over her face using a cosmetic sponge to enhance her natural skin tone. This is a great alternative to wearing heavy foundations in the sweltering summer months!
2. Using a powder brush, she added a dusting of translucent powder to set the tinted moisturizer in place and nix any potential shininess.

Eyes

1. Dab some brown eyeshadow onto a small angled brush. Tap off the excess. Starting at the widest part of the brow, near the nose, and using short strokes, apply brown eyeshadow directly to the natural hair of the eyebrow. Repeat on the other side. Make sure to use a shade that matches your hair color (in Meagan’s case brown was used since she is a blonde). After you’re satisfied with the shape of your brows, feel free to seal them with a single coat of a makeup sealer.
2. Lightly coat your entire eyelid area with an eyeshadow primer, to build a smooth base for your shadows, pigments and liners.
3. Using a fluffy brush apply purple eyeshadow across your entire eyelid from lashline to crease.
4. Hold down your lower eyelid. Using a small eyeliner brush, dot plum (or any shade of purple that is darker than what you used in Step 3 ) shadow directly underneath the eyelash line of your lower lid, beginning at the outer portion of the eye.
5. With the help of a blending brush, add the same plum shade you added in Step 4 to the crease of your eye.
6. Highlight your browbone with soft shimmery beige eyeshadow applied with a blending brush.
7. For extra pronounced lashes top off with 3 coats of black mascara.

Cheeks

1. Swipe some peach blush onto a medium sized blush brush.
2. Apply the peach blush onto cheekbones and blend into temples.

Lips

1. Meagan applied a cotton candy hued pink lipstick straight from the tube all over her lips and then blended the edges with a lip liner brush.
2. She finished off the look with a coat of sheer pinky gloss she added on top of the lipstick.

Credits

Model and Photography:Meagan Kyla

Location: Buffalo, NY

<3

Vanity Kills

[Show as slideshow]

A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you.  ~Françoise Sagan

Congratulations, soldier you have fared well. Your humble abode is pristine (or at the very least stopped resembling a crackhouse) and while we probably won’t be seeing you on Iron Chef anytime soon, you’ve successfully managed not to burn down your kitchen. Whoever said that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, clearly has never met a Stepford Wife. Alas it’s oodles more fun to fuse the two as opposed to switching from one aspect of the female identity to another.

Okay, so we’ve established what a modern house trained pleasure model is and what tasks she excels at. I’ve also done everything short of showing up at your house with a Power Point presentation that illustrates the relationship between scrubbing floors and getting laid. So far I’ve waxed poetic about the joys of an immaculately clean home and the importance of serving special occasion food that you wouldn’t normally prepare for your partner in order to create your own little home front utopia.
Uhhh….this is still about getting some, isn’t it?
It is.
And now that the stage is set , what dress shall the poor girl wear?

What do you dress a harlot gone hausfrau?
Simple one word answer that takes the guesswork out of Stepford approved fashions: Rockabilly.
Rockabilly girls love sweetheart necklines, circle skirts enhanced with crinoline petticoats, polka dots, floral prints, gingham, sundresses and garments that a typical 1950’s Betty Homemaker type would naturally feel herself drawn to. If you’re blessed with a girlfriend who wears a similar size and favors threads with a vintage flair, become her own personal Barbie for an afternoon. Rockabilly/psychobilly/gothabilly girls usually have a knack for co-ordinating some killer outfits. They have an eye for detail and are known for their penchant for perfection, so if you are on friendly terms with a local wannabe pinup model beg her for a makeover.

Your town isn’t exactly overrun by girlfriends of modern day greasers, you say?
You do have the Internet, don’t you? Otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, genius.

Standard smartass suggestion: “50’s housewife” and “Stepford Wife” are excellent keywords to enter into a Google image search and are bound to yield thousand of results helpful and absolutely useless alike. For every person that’s reading this and saying “Well, duh” to themselves there’s 5 who are in dire need of the Captain Obvious answer.
However the Internet can be a scary place and googling doesn’t always prove itself to be the most simple and successful route, so allow me to co-ordinate a basic Stepford Wife approved uniform:
Try a swing dress in a cherry, gingham or floral print paired with a pair of thigh high nylons attached to a garter belt(or fishnets if you feel the absolute need to Goth up/tart up everything you own) and nice heels. Yes, heels are non negotiable. Keep in mind the role that you play, which is that of factory made perfection. Such a role requires killer legs. High heels will give you just that, darling. Save your stompy boots for the club, lucite stripper heels for hookertastic role play, flip flops for the beach and sneakers for the gym. It’s heels or bust, baby. Stockings and garters are non negotiable as well. Remember what I said a few paragraphs ago: We’re all about keeping the HO in housewife Your floozy like undergarments will remind your significant other that he has the both of both worlds living in his very own home. A lady in the street(dressed in Stepford’s finest vintage reproduction dresses) and a bona fide jezebel behind closed doors. Accessorize with a simple string of pearls worn around the neck. Bonus points if you find a way to do something dirty with them later. Although the goal of this whole operation is to wind up wearing a pearl necklace anyway. Store bought or otherwise.
Don’t forget the ultimate Stepford Wife accessory: the apron.
No “Kiss the Cook” barbecue sauce stained nonsense fished out from the depths of your garage please. That’s not going to give anyone “Wow..she looks so hot bending over to get that pie out of the oven. Wonder how long it will take me to rip that apron off her and fuck her on top of some kitchen furniture?” type of thoughts. You want something that gives you that over the top cutesy feel which in turn screams “Look how hard I’m trying to pull off this wholesome retro wife act. I’m really a ginormous whore. How about that hot kitchen furniture sex now?” When I think of the aforementioned over the top cutesiness, gothic lolita and cosplay style of aprons immediately spring to mind. Think circle aprons with scalloped edges, ruffled lace finishes or full on Alice in Wonderland style replica aprons. Any of those will do.

Keep in mind that you shouldn’t put any of your Stepford-esque adornments on until you’re actually done cooking and cleaning. Ironically, you should probably do all your dirty prep work in your grimiest of sweatpants and a Leaether Strip T-shirt that hasn’t seen daylight since 1994. You just don’t want your significant other to see you that way.
I mean, you’re fucking perfect, why wouldn’t you do the laundry in high heels while singing about how happy you are to be doing housework when your man is still out there with his friends drunkenly raping the King of Pop’s greatest hits. Hell, let him think that as soon as you open a window all sorts of woodland critters pour into your home and help you with the dishes and the mopping. Just like in a fucking Disney movie.
Let him think whatever, just don’t ruin the fantasy that you’ve worked so hard to create by dressing up prior to doing any real dirty work and thus messing up your oh so carefully planned ensemble.

Get’cha hurr did

I know that you love your mohawks, your dread falls and showing off your freshly shaven temple high undercuts. Nobody is telling you to stop loving them, but I’ll tell you that they’ll clash with your outfit horribly. Not to mention that the whole point of Project Stepford is to surprise your favored companion with something slightly out of character. Rockin’ your usual hairstyle would contradict the whole point of this carefully orchestrated little charade. Go all the way, or go home, I say.

Maintain the illusion with any of the following dos:
-Victory rolls
-Pincurls
-Fingerwaves

Fake flowers strategically placed in your locks give you added girlish charm.

War Paint

As a certified MAC junkie, who will use any excuse to wear over the top facepaint that screams DRAMA, it pains me to say this, but in this instance less is definitely more. Nothing helps you play the part of a woman full of naiveté whose only desire is to please her mate than shiny pouty lips first lined with flesh toned lip liner and then filled in with red or pink lipstick or gloss. An extra coat of lip plumper should be added to make your lips more kissable. Sweep some pale pink, peach of tan eyeshadow on your lower lids. Add a slightly darker shade such as mocha to your crease and highlight your browbone with a frosty pearl shade.Add two coats of black mascara to your lashes. Blend some pale pink blush into the apples of your cheeks. Subdued, yet not understated!
Stepford is as Stepford does…
You have the outfit truly worth of the ultimate domestic temptress, your hair is straight out of the salon perfect and your makeup looks like it was done by Kevyn Aucoin’s ghost. What to do now, you ask?
First of all , despite the fact that robotic roleplay is the name of the game indeed, it does not mean that you have to get all Fembot on your man the second that he walks through the door. Don’t walk all stiff jointed, do not make beeping sounds or anything else that might send him straight to “WTF territory”. Do act concerned. Ask him how his day was and sit through all the painfully boring details of band practice with a cheerful smile on your face. If you usually scowl at this sort of diatribe, he’ll be damn near stupefied to discover that not only you haven’t ran away, but are genuinely interested in his nonsensical rambling. Making bad EBM all day is both hard work and serious business, so offer him some food or perhaps a back massage. In the midst of any of the above mentioned activities, make sure to “accidentally” drop something so that you’re forced to bend over directly in front of his face. It’s the oldest trick in the book, but guess what, it still works. Beautifully, might I add. Or make sure that your cleavage is aligned directly with his face as you’re pouring his drink. In any event, the combination of the food, the attentive girlfriend/wife, the apparent interest in his desire to fuse the musical stylings of Michael Jackson and Feindflug should be enough to make his poor head explode by now. Just secretly pray to your deity of choice that he doesn’t make you listen to a tape of this past afternoon’s musical endeavors as you’re having sexy time right there in the kitchen. That’s the price one pays for an overabundance of forced enthusiasm. However, on the upside, you’re probably getting some with an equal amount of fervor.
Happy housewifing and robot sex!

<3

Vanity Kills